Loss of Mother

Question: Dear Luise: I lost my beloved mother on January this year. Since then I am lost. Her death was so sudden and unexpected that I still can’t accept that she is no more with us. She was just 59. She was ill but we never thought that she would leave us so soon. I just can’t forgive myself for not being able to do something for her or evade the death. I feel guilty, miserable,angry and helpless. I have a beautiful family and I am going on with my life but life seems meaningless to me now. I look forward to your suggestions to make my life more meaningful. Please help. T.

Answer: Dear T.: I wrote my mom when she passed on. I think the hardest thing for many of us is we have no idea what to do with that level of loss. The more I focused on it the larger it became and the more I tried not to focus on it, I got the same result.

The writing thing was not a conscious plan. It started out with my “wailing on paper” because no one else wanted to hear it or understood. (Well, I didn’t, either.) I don’t know if it would help you or not…we’re all so different. I poured out my anger and my hopelessness and my helplessness at first. I really wasn’t writing “to” her…I was more protesting and giving up ever finding a way to go on. After a while, I realized I was addressing her and that was OK because no one saw my rantings. Little be little my writing, which started out as many comments each day, slowed down and I began to tell her what I was doing, not just how I felt. And eventually, she started answering me. No, it was not automatic writing, or voices in my head…there was no “woo-woo factor.” I just knew what she would say back to me and starting adding it to my daily “connecting.”

I still sometimes write to her…and yes, she still writes back. Why not? Love doesn’t die unless we say so. Blessings, Luise


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