Why Must It Be Lose Weight Or No Sex?

Question: Dear Luise: I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half, a year of it we have been living together. He is 30 and I’m 26. We had a voracious sex life until we moved in together. Around this time, I gained about 40 pounds.  Our sex life soon began to dwindle after moving in together and gaining the weight. I have brought the issue up of our lack of intimacy on several occasions. The first time, he told me it was my weight but that he loved me but no longer found me appealing. The second time, he told me that sex was too much work after I gained the weight and then he commented about my weight as being a factor in our lack of intimacy. I became very self-conscious during sex and less playful. The third time, it was my weight again. I want to lose the weight but I don’t want to have to go without sex until I lose the weight. Everything else in our relationship is perfect. We love each other immensely and make each other laugh every day. However, not being able to be intimate with my boyfriend hurts me and I want what we once shared to come back. He says he loves me and wants to marry me but I can’t commit to a marriage that will not include sex! What should I do? C.

Answer: Dear C.: Even if you lost the weight overnight, you wouldn’t be able to marry him because you have no idea what your weight might be over the years. People may start out slim but they don’t all end up that way.

I don’t see this as being about weight at all. To me it looks like superficiality and immaturity and I think you need to go back to the drawing board. Do some growing up on your own and work on your weight if you want to…but just for yourself, not for someone else. (Have you seen a doctor? That’s an awful lot to gain in a short period of time.)

And then look for a guy with deeper values. I have never seen marriage vows that said, “Until death or a forty pound weight gain us do part.” Blessings, Luise

7 Responses to Why Must It Be Lose Weight Or No Sex?

  1. C. March 30, 2010 at 11:19 am #

    Luise, There is more to the story. He says no matter how big I get he will never leave me because he is madly in love with me and never wants to be with anyone else. Also, last year we had starting getting things back on track, and then I got pregnant. We decided at this point in our lives we were incapable of raising a child. We both are new in our careers and we struggle somewhat now. So, I had an abortion. I have been seen by a doctor but I have no idea why or how I gained the weight so quickly, I gained it a year before I got pregnant so it wasn’t from that. The sex is not important enough that I would leave him becaue the rest of the relationship is so great, however, it does hurt my self-esteem and I really would like to be intimate with him. I am working out now trying to lose weight but not just for him but for me, I no longer like the way I look and haven’t for years. I want to try counseling and I think it will help but the problem is finding one we can afford. Your response sounded like I need to just walk away when I really don’t think that is the best choice. C

    • Luise March 30, 2010 at 6:09 pm #

      Dear C. Everyone has to make their own choices, of course. I am just a sounding board as you know. My response was based on my experience on my website. If you settle for a sexless relationship when your physical interests do not comply with that…losing self-esteem and pent-up sexual energy can actually cause emotional illness. And if the person who creates the moratorium on sex is still interested in it…it’s often sought elsewhere, eventually. It’s just a loaded situation and to go into it knowingly seems unwise to me. Blessings, Luise

  2. C. March 31, 2010 at 5:25 am #

    So you don’t think counseling may help? I saw many of the other posts concerning the same subject and you recommended counseling to all of them. I know it sounds cliche and naive but I really don’t think he is the cheating kind. He has had several opportunities to leave when I have asked him if he wants to leave.

  3. J. December 29, 2010 at 7:33 pm #

    Seems like a pretty simple fix to me. Have an affair. Let your shallow boyfriend know that while he may think he’s too good to have sex with you, other men will be more than happy to take his place. See how he responds to that–I’m sure it will be telling, and may even expose his own carousing. J.

    • Luise January 7, 2011 at 1:13 pm #

      I’m not sure two wrongs make a right.

  4. N. April 19, 2011 at 9:10 pm #


    I’ve never been to your site before but was doing a Google search when I found you. I am not ready to ask questions but I totally love how you are 100% honest with your responses to people. That quality is rarely seen in people. I applaud you for your honesty and the others for their candor.

    Thank you all!! N.

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