Question: Dear Luise: I gave my daughter five thousand dollars toward her wedding and she have left me out of her wedding invitation, taste caking, also she did not ask me to help her with the wedding invitaions. I have asked her on several different times if I could be of help she said that she and her finace will be doing the invitation. My feel is hurt and feel left out. M.
Answer: Dear M.: You are feeling left out because that’s what’s happening. My guess is that your daughter is feeling all grown up and is excited about starting a new family unit as an adult. Is that fair? No way! Is that normal? Yes. And it is also healthy. She is probably trying to create her independence. It often isn’t easy but breaking away from mother is usually the first step. She has gladly taken your money…she’s obviously not that independent! Now she wants to proceed without your input. That may seem thoughtless but for her, it’s progress.
I know how hard this is for you. It was for me, too. Being hurt is one way to experience it but being proud that she doesn’t want to stay under your wing is another. You did a good job or she would be clinging to you.
Not only is your daughter in transition, but so are you. You’ve done your job and now she will make choices…some wise and some not…and learn from them as she establishes herself as an individual. Your job, and I hope you are able to do it sooner and with more grace than I did, is to get that you were a whole person before you had children and you can be whole again. Start looking into what you want to do beyond parenting and move on. It’s a serious mistake for everyone concerned to try to continue to live your life through your children. Simple…but for most of us, not easy.
If you would like support, please come over to my Web-forum where other women are struggling with the same or very similar issues. It’s actually a community: www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise