Question: Dear Luise: I am confused about my boyfriend’s female friend. He met her – long before we were together – while he was in a different country. They never became intimate, but I know that she has remained his “fantasy”, (probably because nothing really happened.) Well, they remain in touch – not often, but maybe 3 times a year. Recently she had emailed several times to ask why he is not responding to her emails. She said that even though they were far apart, keeping in touch made it seem like he was there. He responded to that by saying that has been extremely busy – he asked her a few questions about her life – nothing sounded remotely intimate or romantic…but then he signed it, “kisses” followed by his name. Is this just an affectionate term to someone who may have a crush on him, or does he have deeper feelings for her than I thought? Is this something that I should worry about? We have seen each other off & on for 3 years – we both wanted to take things slowly, but the last 9 months, we have gotten serious – very serious. He has asked me to move in with him, we are buying furniture & a car together…what is your opinion? Thank you, LP
Answer: Dear LP: This could be leading to nothing. I don’t know of any way to determine that. Your boyfriend may be just be finding it difficult to close the door and fear appearing unkind. Also, he may not have looked at the fact that his continued kindness to her is probably an unkindness to you. What’s the point? She is his fantasy but you are his reality.
In the future the two of you will hit your bumps in the road as all couples do. You need to know that he will work things out with you, not turn to her by email. The best way to set that up is to end the flirtation, which seems to be there on both sides…not only in her comments that she wants to feel like he is there but in his singing off with “kisses” after no mentioning you in his response. Has he successfully not mentioned you for three years?
She seems to be hanging onto whatever she decided they once meant to each other. I certainly wouldn’t recommend that for her, if she wrote to me about it. Time, distance, and the fact that it never really went anywhere when they met all suggest that she needs to move on. He can help her to do that by getting totally out of the picture.
It’s clear that you don’t want to come across as possessive or insecure. Why don’t you just tell him that it feels like some kind of emotional intrusion and you would prefer that it not be in your space.
He has been open with you, he stopped emailing, and when she inquired, he said he was “busy”. I think it’s time for him to be open with her and tell her that he is “taken” and is ending their e-relationship.
If the shoe were on the other foot, how would he like it if you continued to support being that important to some other guy…and what if you signed your emails “kisses”? Would it be OK to have another guy be your fantasy? Ask him. If he says that wouldn’t bother him a bit, he’s lying. Blessings. Luise