I’ve Never Met my Daughter

Question: Dear Luise: 18 years ago I had a child with a woman in a different state. We had tried to understand our lives at that time but the chemistry wasn’t there and we went our separate ways and she took custody of my daughter. It was a no legal matter as I bowed down and did not try to fight her knowing we could not live together. She at that time financially had all the upper hands on me and I didn’t want to fight her so I just let go and lived on with my life for the last 20 years. I’ve thought about my daughter all these years and wished I could see her and know about her but I have been intimidated by her mother and have let the years slip by. I have tried to find where she lives and found the town in her state. She has an unlisted number as I have searched the phone directory. I lived all of my life with out my mother and didn’t want my daughter to go through the pain I felt and that’s my excuse. I have changed and am 50 years old and just lost my father who was my last immediate family member. I now feel alone and would love to talk or maybe get the chance to meet her for I have family pictures for her and want to leave some of my belongings to her when I go. A picture of her would be fantastic and to know if she is a musician like her father. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Can I just call or drive there and try to talk to her mother? She needs to know who I am and where I am, as I need to know her. I’m her father and we should be in touch now. If it’s any concern I teach handicapped people to ski and live with a woman with adoptive children. Please help with any advice. Thank you. M.

Answer: Dear M.: This is, as you know better than anyone, a touchy situation.
And good for you for using the word “excuse” instead of “reason.”

I think I would carefully draft a letter to the daughter with a copy to her mother. Send the mother’s a few days later to be sure the original isn’t intercepted by her.
Since they don’t live at the same address; that should work. A call after almost two decades would be a big shock. Well, a letter could be, too, but there’s room for recovery when something comes in the mail. Of course the letters could both be dropped into a wastepaper basket just the way a phone call could be immediately terminated.

You say, “She needs to know who I am and where I am, as I need to know her. I’m her father and we should be in touch, now.” That’s a perception. Your daughter may have always wanted to know about you or she may not be remotely interested. Children who grow up with one parent missing can make up a lot of stuff. If you didn’t pay child support while she was growing up, that might be an issue no matter how well fixed her mom was. You need to face the fact that there could be issues coming out of the woodwork.

I’m with you, I think any clarification and any chance of reconciling is worth whatever it costs, emotionally, to initiate it and follow through. You may be blindsided but if you don’t try you will never know if you might have been well received.

I just want to add that I have a deep respect for the kind work you do.

Try to keep an open mind and not count too much on a positive result. Better to be pleasantly surprised than acutely disappointed. Blessings, Luise

29 Responses to I’ve Never Met my Daughter

  1. J. May 16, 2009 at 7:41 pm #

    Hi, Well here is some hope for you. I lost my daughter 1 month after she was born. I feel like I was kind of in the same situation as you. Well she will be 18 Monday and she found me on Facebook a few months ago. We have been talking online and I had my first phone conversation with her a couple of weeks ago. I now realize how much I do love her still. Hopefully one day your daughter will come looking for you. Keep your head up and try to find her. You`ll be glad you did. J.

    • Luise May 17, 2009 at 6:53 am #

      Dear J. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience. It’s worth it’s weight in gold. Blessings, Luise

  2. J. May 27, 2009 at 4:15 pm #

    I would like to add what I am currently going through right now. My daughter, 19, has been searching for her father for several years. We had an on again/off again relationship for a little over 2 years and when I became pregnant, he was going through some legal woes and wasn’t ready to accept his responsibility. So, my daughter found him and her grandfather. She and I saw them on May 2, 2009 and this was the first time she had ever met them. The reunion was more than hoped for, as not only was my daughter delighted with having found her biological father, he, and his father, were equally excited to welcome her into their lives and hearts. My ex came up again this past weekend and spent 4 nights and 5 days with us. He and I have had numerous conversations, specifically with him asking me how to be a ‘good dad’ to her after all these years. He is petrified of scaring her away. My daughter on the other hand is having a difficult time adjusting to having a ‘dad’ around and has sent him on his way. He is crushed and confused. She is confused. Both of them need time to meld as father/daughter and I have to give him credit, he did a better job of ‘bending over backwards’ for her than she did for him. I was apprehensive when she first announced she wanted to find him. Fear that she would get hurt. As it turns out, she is the one hurting him. I am extremely disappointed with the direction things are now going. I’m sad for her that she had him pictured as a knight in shining armour, when in fact, he is just a good hearted father, wanting to try to make up for lost time. I’m sad for him, as I know this man has a good heart and would never harm her, yet she did that exact thing to him… she broke his heart. Now where do we all go? J.

    • Luise May 27, 2009 at 4:32 pm #

      Dear J.: It sounds like you are being amazingly supportive and understanding to both of them. It up to them, you know. They will either work it out or they won’t. Your daughter is tripping over her own expectations and she’s the one in the driver’s seat. Blessings, Luise

  3. R. July 15, 2009 at 10:43 pm #

    Hi All, Just wanted to add another experience to the conversation. My daughter was born when I was 22, just after I had moved a few hours from home to finish my degree. Her mother and I were/are completely incompatible, to everyone’s dismay. For a very long time, things were so bad between us, we were not in contact at all, and I didn’t see her or my daughter. 6 years ago, after my daughter had just turned 6, her mother wrote me suggesting that it would be good if our daughter could know who her father was. I was working far from home then and was able to make a visit about a month after receiving her letter. After our first meeting, I was very excited and happy, and it seemed that my daughter was happy to meet me as well. Her mother and I tried to make an appropriate arrangement for me to visit, (two times a month or so, due to distance) and for occasional phone calls (6yr olds are not easy to have phone conversations with for long, haha.) After about 5 months of this, her mother decided that in fact it would be better for me not to be a part of my daughter’s life (due to her own expectations of my occasional presence having some meaning for her personal life- clearly not something I had in mind.) She explained that she would not like for me to see my daughter, and also that i should no longer call to speak with her on the phone. After trying through the summer months to contact them, and returning to live in our home state, I decided to pursue visitation and child support proceedings– even my paternity had never been legally established by this point. This process took about 4 months to become finalized during which I was granted supervised visitations bi-weekly, ending with a “standard” visitation schedule every other week/holiday with extended times in summer and at Christmas. This was about 4 and a half years ago. Two years ago, I moved out of the country due to work, and have explained in writing and arranged with my daughter’s mother that I would still like to maintain the child support agreement, and to have my daughter for two weeks at Christmas and the prescribed month in the summer until I am coming back to the states (with about 6 months to a year to go). I know that this has been difficult for my daughter,and for me as well, since we were seeing each other on a fairly consistent basis for some time. For the past couple of years though, it has not been as much, although our times we do have are at least guaranteed, even if spread far apart. My daughter is now turning 12 next week, and coming into her own emotionally. I am not able to be here with her regularly, and it is obviously having an affect on her and her comfort level with me, she is easily becoming more distant with me, where before she was quited happy to see me, now there is a distance which is growing between us. How can I help her to feel more comfortable with the fact that I am coming back soon, and we will be able to spend more regular amounts of time together, when it seems more often now that this is an idea which is very unsettling to her? I have no intention of abandoning her or dropping out of her life, on the contrary, I am anxiously awaiting my green light to come back home so we can get back on our previous track? It is so bad now, that she is not even comfortable hugging me or calling me “dad” as she used to. She is angry that I was not a part of the first half of her life, and this is not a situation that is so easy to explaining to a budding 12 year old. Truthfully it is becoming a little unsettling for the both of us, and I don’t want to lose her emotionally. Thanks for any thoughts and suggestions, R.

    • Luise July 16, 2009 at 9:45 am #

      Dear R.: I doubt that you can “get back on track” with your daughter. She has been subjected to so much on-again-off-again parenting that you may have to stat all over when you get back.

      It would probably be wise of offer her counseling, as well. Blessings, Luise

  4. J. March 29, 2010 at 1:24 pm #

    I just found out that I have a 10 year old daughter. I have never met her or spoke to her. She lives in another state and that state sent me for a dna test which came back positive. I have not seen her mother in almost 11 years. I heard threw the grapevine over the years she had a baby but she was living with a guy when I was seeing her. I have a 3 yr. old daughter whom I am a full-time father too. I think of all the sweet things she does and says and then i think of how i have missed all these moments with my 10 yr. old daughter. I keep asking myself why did i not go to her state to pursue it when people told me she had a baby. My family tells me that i was 16 when she was born and that i didnt know if she was mine, but this does not relieve the guilt that i have and deserve. I feel bad for her not knowing her father all these years. I have been able to find her mother’s information off the internet since I found out. I plan on making contact I just don’t know where to begin. I mean she is 10, she is old enough to have an opinion, she may not want to know me. But God-willing she does want to know me, where do i start? what do i say? Should I write her first? Call first? What do i say to her when i first see her? I am a strange man she has never met I want her to be comfortable. 10 years is a long time to make up for. i hate she missed out on that time of having the love my 3 yr. old daughter has from me, and the same for myself. And what do I tell my 3 yr. old daughter? She is not going to understand why all of a sudden she has a 10 year old sister. I just want to do what is right and best for both of my children. Please help. Sincerely, J.

    • Luise March 30, 2010 at 7:11 am #

      What a wonderful, sensitive person you are. Your 10 year-old daughter is lucky to have you turn up in her life. On the other side of the coin, you may have been included in her life because her mother wants money, not a dad for her daughter. There are endless possibilities here. What I would do is talk to a child psychologist, not just about how to break the ice after a 10 year absence, but about how to proceed from there. And I would stay in touch with that professional as this drama unfolds in your life so you can handle it in the best way possible. You need an advocate, to my way of thinking.

  5. J. April 4, 2010 at 8:54 pm #

    I have the doosey here, when I was 15 my girlfriend had a baby, and our parents separated us immediately. My parents filled my head with rubbish about how she was not with only me, she had other boyfriends, which I now find out was not true. She married when she was 17 and our son has always believed that man was his father. He adopted my son when he was 4. I finally found him and his mom on facebook this year. I contacted his mom, who was surprisingly happy to hear from me. She recently told him that his biological father came looking for him, but he has seemed uninterested, he has my phone and email, but is not contacting me. He is 24 now, I feel such guilt and remorse for not being there, but I was unable to find his mom until now. I am having a hard time waiting for it to sink in and for him to email me or call. I have waited 24 years, it’s only been a couple of weeks for him. I am having trouble being patient…

    • Luise April 4, 2010 at 9:57 pm #

      Your son may feel he has waited 24 years and not be remotely interested. The ball is in his court and I hope his curiosity gets the best of him, soon. I don’t know anything you can do but wait and hope that something comes of this.

  6. ashley April 25, 2010 at 2:50 pm #

    To all you dads out there that wonder if its worth “intruding” into you lost childrens lifes it so is. I am 29 and have never met my father. My mother told me he droped her off at the laundry matt while she was still pregnate and never came back. Later after years of feeling like he never wanted to know me she said he came back but she decided it would be best for me to never know him. The angry I had all those years directed at my father then turned to my mother. For her to deny me my father well there just arent words for it. She told me his name is George Walker and was a ranch hand but will not give me any other information. I know people will say there maybe other reason she doesnt want me to know him but I think I should have been able to make that choice not her. Im married, planning a family of my own and will never know what it would have been to have him give me away. Or to even know what a father is suppose to be to his child. Ive never seen a photo, dont know if the eyes I have are his. So to all you dads out there let your children know who you are.

  7. H. November 5, 2010 at 10:41 am #

    Trying to respond to this, I wrote a two-page essay on my experience. Instead of all of that, let me boil down my experience. One year ago tommorrow, I met and hugged my 18-year old daughter for the first time. It has been a strange, weird, painful and exciting year.
    Here is what I learned the hard way: 1) I see her as my daughter and all that goes with it; she sees someone else as her dad and often seems to treat me as little more than a curiosity. The difference being that she has always been my daughter, while I have been a faceless man in a child’s fantasy world. 2) I am 38 and have an unusually wide range of experiences; she’s 18 and just starting life. 18-year olds are by their very nature selfish, they care more about getting their daily wants met than about how they interact with the rest of the world. Ask any behavioral psychologist. 3) I did not adequately prepare myself for this mentally or emotionally because I naively thought our common ancestry would make up the difference; her mother did not adequately prepare herself or my daughter for because she hoped it would fail. How does her mother factor into all of this? That’s who my daughter went to for emotional support, and her mother admits to cutting me down after our first meeting. Its hard to develop trust when the person she trusts most is cutting you off at the knees behind your back.
    Lessons: 1) get yourself the proper counseling first to make sure you motivations and thoughts are consistent with a good outcome. Going into this thinking that common biology will carry the day will lead to nothing more than greater difficulty. If possible, communicate through letters or emails first, then get both parties into counseling. In this way, the first meetings can be in a more neutral setting with a third-party that is working to help both of you. 2) Don’t rush into it the minute your offspring turns 18. The teen years may be the absolute worst years for something as emotionally taxing as this. They are going through one of the hardest transitions anyone has to make, becoming an adult. When they are married and having children of their own may be the best time. Nothing connects a person to the rest of the world better than the inherent selflessness of marriage and parenthood. 3) Remember, you (we) left the parenting to someone else. They didn’t raise this child the way we wanted them to. Do not judge their skills as better or worse than you think you would have done. Just recognize it was different, and this person is not who you think she/he is. In reality they are strangers with your nose. In time, you will see your characteristics in their behavior, but it still won’t mimic yours because behavior = experience filtered through genetics. You share 50% genetics, but their experiences are very different from yours and the other 50% of their genetics was equally influential in their development. 4) Have an open mind, be patient, and be willing to accept any outcome before you begin – even negative outcomes. While there may be a genetic imperative to know and nurture your offspring, you begin as much strangers as any person you meet on the street. 5) Its hard work and emotionally draining. But like any parent/child relationship, there are moments that make it worth the effort. H.

  8. D. April 23, 2011 at 8:42 am #

    ON 6/1/11 SHE’LL BE 18, & SHE HAS KNOW ABOUT ME FOR YEARS {that I have been trying to get ahold of her} ANOTHER LIE SHE IS BEING TOLD THAT “I WILL GET BORED, & MOVE ON” BUT I AM SAYING THAT “IF IT IS WHAT SHE WANTS, JUST SAY SOMETHING {anything} & I WILL FIND A WAY TO DO SOMETHING, BUT SHE IS BEING TOLD “NO” & IS LISTENING TO HER MOTHER, {& I tell her she should, & won’t argue w/ her about that} D.

    • Luise April 25, 2011 at 4:29 pm #

      All you can do is hold out for a DNA test and follow though in any way you can if she proves to be your daughter. Her mother has the advantage and seems pretty ruthless about brainwashing her daughter. How sad. You deserve so much better.

  9. S. March 8, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

    When I was only a teenager my girlfriend and I had a baby girl in 1999. Other then being regular teens nothing was wrong. We were to young, Babys having babys as they say. My family was moving to San Diego and I had no way of taking care of myself and still under age so I had to go with them. My ex stayed behind, but wanted to go with. A few months go by and she starts to change her mind on everything we had planed.

    We both went are ways but stayed friends over the next year I started Dating and so did she. When we would talk on the phone she wonldn’t let me talk to my kid much but at the time I didn’t see anything bad about it seeing as she really couldn’t talk yet. Two or Three mins. on the phone with are kid and five or ten with the ex talking about things are daughter
    like to do, watch, ext.

    I moved to Vegas in 2001 and lost all contact with them as if they vanished. Four or five years go by and I dont hear anything from them. I sent letters and gifts to the address I had but nothing. Untell I think it was 2005 I was moving back to Washington State to try and find/be closer to my kid and I got ahold of the ex once again. She seemed vary happy I was coming back and I asked her if the first night I got there if we could go out for dinner. She said yes and then I left Vegas. I got ahold of her the first night I was there and she Said she’d meet me at the resturant. I got there and waited 3 hours and they were a no show. I was having a hard time getting a job there and putting in apps everywere. Doing so, I ran in to her once at the mall and she just kept walking even after I called her name. I also seen her walking in to a store with her sister and our daughter. But I didn’t follow them. I lived there for only a year before moving back to Vegas and didn’t get to see my kid even once. I’ve payed Child Sup. all this time. I’ve sent Birthday, Christmas and other gifts. Cards and more.

    A few more years go by and I can’t find them once again. This is about the time I heard about myspace. I don’t know if facebook was out yet. I couldn’t find my ex and was almost ready to give up looking when I got a new update on my Child sup. and I seen that she had gotten Marryed. So I put her new name in the seach bar on myspace and found her. I was so happy I thought I was going to get to see photos of her. But she had none up alot of the new kid she had but none of our daughter. I sent her messages and emails asking if I could talk to her or even see her in a photo. but all I got were nos. Over a few months I try to re-befriend my ex to see if I could get her to open up and let me get to know my kid but if I even asked about her she would get vary mad. As long as it was about the ex everything was fine. ((( keep in mind I this was about 2008, I had no clue what myspace was before that. and didn’t have a facebook untell 2010.))) So after a few emails and texting and video emails things started looking ok. she pand the camra around only once and let me see my kid and that was the only time. She stoped useing myspace or blocked me or something.

    In 2011 I found my dughter on facebook. Not her mom but her! she was only 12 years old at the time. I was so happy. without thinking I sent her a message. nothing bad just mainly saying that I loved her and wish I could get to know her and that I hoped she felt the same way. only bad things happen after that. The ex and her sister sent me messages calling me names saying she had a dad that loves her more then I ever could and would never leave her like I did. I didn’t understand. I was lost, 12 years of trying and I didn’t even make a dent. She made our dughter trash her facebook page and the ex and sister blocked me from there pages so I couldn’t send anything back.

    Well March 1, 2012 I found her again, my dughter. She has two facebook pages one with a fake name. and one with her real name but the odd thing is she has my name after her name like ++++++++ (Steven), I’m not sure what this meens, It could meen nothing for all I know. I havn’t done anything, and kinda afrade to send her a message as I could lose her all over again. I’m not sure what to do. and everyone is telling me somthing diferent. I’m also afade that her being only 13 she’s not to sure of whats going on. And I’m afrade to take it to the courts becouse her mom can be vary loud and meen. But it seems it’s almost the only way to go unless I want to wait untell she’s 18. S.

    • Luise Volta March 17, 2012 at 5:44 pm #

      S. – That’s what I would do…wait. It’s a very tough call but I think most pre-teens would find it too much to try to deal with. Blessings, Luise

  10. J. March 18, 2012 at 1:25 am #

    Glad I stumbled upon this……I was married at 23 and we had a daughter. To say the relationship with my ex was strained is an understatement. We divorced and I was put through mental hell with the proceedings. All sorts of accusations were leveled at me and ended up giving total custody to my ex of my daughter who was two. My family and I were devastated, but life needed to go on. That was twenty years ago.

    Recently, my ex-wife’s younger sister reached out to me through facebook as we have a few mutual friends. I was stunned and replied that given all the animosity from back then, I never expected anyone in that family to contact me. I have since sat down with her and the obvious elephant in the room was talked about. My ex-wife’s sister said that walking away from the marriage was probably the best thing I could have ever done. Apparently, my ex-wife has mental issues with compulsive lying that have alienated many of her family, including my daughter. She brought me up to date in my daughter’s life and I was shell shocked. The step father has treated her differently than her 2 siblings for most of her life. They also lied to my daughter about me until age 14 (she is 22 now).

    My daughter has spent a lot of time with her aunt as that is the only normalcy she has since her relationship with her mother is destructive mentally. My daughter wanted to try and find me when she was a senior in high school, but her mother became unhinged about it. Her aunt told her if she found me, to make sure a family member was there just in case I didn’t want to see her. I thank god, that her aunt and uncle have been there for her.

    My daughter’s aunt and uncle told her that they ran into me and if she wants to pursue meeting me, they will support her. My daughter has alot going on in her life right now and the last thing I want to do is make things more difficult with her mother. They also explained to her, that I am not going to get into a “he said she said” about what happened with her mother and that I will not insult or put down her mother and stepfather in any way. Her response was, “Unlike mom will do”. Her aunt and I have an agreement to not push the issue of a meeting if she doesn’t want to. If it does come about, we will be meeting at her aunt’s house where she may be more comfortable.

    One of the things she asked her aunt was, “What do I say? What do I do?”. I also have those same questions. I am giddy with anticipation to finally see her after all this time. Her aunt has filled me in on things in her life, so I don’t even know where to start. I hope we can start a relationship, but where do I begin? What do I say about the past with her mother? I could sure use advice on this one. J.

    • Luise Volta March 19, 2012 at 11:18 pm #

      I would tell her that I was unwilling to go there (the past) and that both you and her mother were very young and in your own way, you both did your best. Let her know that you would like to get to know her in the present and see if there is a possibility that you might find a connection after two decades. After setting that boundary I would be very careful to maintain it. She might agree and then get curious. If that came about…you would need to stand your ground to keep her respect by letting her know again that the present is all you have to offer…and that it means a great deal to you. Blessings, Luise

  11. D. April 10, 2012 at 4:20 am #

    hello, i know this doesnt really fit but i wanted to post here. I’m 19 living and working abroad, I had sex with a girl we used a condom but it broke i got her the pill but it didnt work and she got pregnant. I didnt know what to do but I know I am in no position to raise a child and 6 weeks in she told me she decided she was going to have an abortion. After this we still kept to meet up as I wanted to support her through that decision and then 2 months later she said she didnt want to meet me anymore cos it reminded her of the painful memories. 1 month later she suddenly text me to say she was going abroad to stay with her sister for 5 months to give birth. What do I do? The only way I have been able to contact her is through facebook. I said I was sorry but after what she did I couldnt be a family with her, I cant forgive this lie but I also cant let a child grow up without knowing who there father is. I have accepted that I am going to have to stay in this country forever now and said I wanted to help and meet the child at least twice a month. She then replied saying she thanked I offered her help but she can do this alone. She also said it was the last time she would ever speak to me and I have had no response since. What do I do? I dont know any other way to contact her and it’s killing me. I know she has a strong family who wont be happy now but will look after the child with her, she has also told the family that the father is a foreigner who has now returned home and that she doesnt want to contact him so they accepted. I dont want to be that absent father but I dont know what to do. I feel like I cant have fun anymore and I dont know how to get rid of that feeling, please give me some advice. D.

    • Luise Volta April 27, 2012 at 7:06 pm #

      D. – If I were in similar circumstances, I would see an attorney. You need to know what your rights and responsibilities are even though it may be too late to establish and carry though what you want; especially if it’s not what the mother wants. You are not stuck in that country. You have a life and you get to lead it. It may be a while before you feel like having much fun but it will come. We all make mistakes. Every time we come to a fork in the road…there are lessons no matter which direction we take. Blessings. Luise

  12. K. October 29, 2012 at 1:09 am #

    I have an unusual situation. I am the daughter of a man who impregnated 2 different women back in 1994 within a few months of eachother. He married my mother and raised me along with his pre-exisiting children. Thwe other woman had a son 3 months before i was born but moved out of state and did not tell my dad until after his son was born. When my brother and I were both toddlers, our dad did try to get custody of him. I am not particularly sure if it was because he legitimately wanted my brother or because he did not want to pay child support, or both. Either way, he lost the battle and has never tried to contact or meet my brother. I had no idea he even existed until I was about 10. My oldest sister (in her 20s) did contact him when he was about 14 or 15 and created a relationship with him. He later contacted me via Facebook when he was closer to 16. We had been talking via Facebook and texting for about 2 years until my siblings and I made a trip to actually meet him. My brother and I are now very, very close–best friends even. We live in the same state now and we are both 18. Our father still has not attempted to contact or meet him. This worries me because I want my brother to be in touch with his dad and not only his siblings. It’s awkward talking about our dad in front of him for me and I do not want them to have to meet on my wedding day or in some kind of situation like that. My dad is not very open about his emotions or feelings, so I have no idea how he feels. Ive talked about my brother on the phone with him and he makes comments like, “he doesnt want to go to college? Well ill have to talk to him about that”. I want to take a step further and approach him and tell him to get in contact with my brother, but I have no idea where to start. I want to be there for both my brother and our father seeing as how I love them both very much, but I feel like our dad is possibly uncomfortable about the idea considering his son hasn’t approached him at all either. I have briefly talked about it with my brother and his opinion on the matter is that he is mainly indifferent. He has no interest in meeting our father but is not angry or depressed over it. I asked out of curiosity how he would respond if our father tried to contact him perhaps via Facebook and he said he would approve and wouldn’t ignore him… I just don’t want to force a bond, but I really want them to create it on their own. I’m certain they would like eachother if given the opportunity considering their similarities. I love them both so much, and I know we can’t exactly be one big, happy, functional family, but I would like to get on the track to some how convincing my dad to make the first move. K.

    • Luise Volta October 31, 2012 at 7:55 am #

      K. My take is that you have the best of intentions and sound like a loving person. Your dad and your step brother are both lucky to have you in their lives. That said, this is their issue. Stay out of it and be careful not to even discuss it with either of them. Your job is to love them both without trying to resolve their estrangement. You dont’t actually know what is best for alll concerned. That’s for them to unravel without any interference, no matter how well intentioned. Blessings, Luise

  13. G. November 3, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    My husband and I have been together for six years when I met him he had a 4 yr old and a newborn by two different women we’ve had a very close relationship with the the oldest always but the new born was taken away her mother married a couple months after her birth moved away and cut all ties with my husband we didn’t hear about her or K. ( their daughter) for six years eventhough we looked and looked recently we found her on Facebook and she was fine with my husband meeting K. the problem was that all this time they made her believe that her step dad was her bio dad and never told her about my husband now here comes this strange man into her life and they tell her that he’s her father. We have normal visitations with her twice a month she spends the weekend at our house… Wishing he could see her more but it’s a three hour drive from our house to hers…. Anyway the problem is that K. has become attatched to me but doesn’t want her father to touch her or talk to her…. He is devastated it’s been seven months and its been really hard for him. How do u make a six year old understand all this? HELP! G.

    • Luise Volta November 20, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

      You may be asking too much of a little person who has been lied to. It probably doesn’t make any sense to her. I would see a child psychologist about this. Blessings, Luise

  14. A. November 16, 2012 at 11:35 pm #

    my story is too long….i was a real ass when i was younger and i need some prayers…just found out….even though i had a feeling that i have a 17 year old daughter…she thinks someone else is her father…he knows he is not the father but his family does not know that she is not his daughter….from what ive been told has done nothing for her and they do not have a close relationship…he has been out of her life since the age of 2 and lives in another state….she has stayed over to visit this man a few times but the mother says that the daughter has no interest in him….. the mother has remarried and her husband has been there for the last 15 years and has taking care of this child as if she were his own…i want to be a part of this young girls life… i know i was the one who created this mess, the mother says she is unsure if she wants to tell her daughter thinking that she might never forgive her. I told my wife and she is very supportive…so many things going on..dont know what to do. A.

    • Luise Volta November 20, 2012 at 7:34 pm #

      I would talk to a child psychologist about this. What you want is not the primary consideration. I seems to me that what is best for your daughter is the issue and a professional might be able to point you in the right direction.

  15. H. November 20, 2012 at 8:20 am #

    As I read I feel compelled to tell my story. About 10 years ago I got a friend of mine pregnant. I say friend because I realize now that we weren’t truly together. When I first found out that she was pregnant I was attending doctor’s visits with her for about the first 2 months. We signed up for a website together that updated us on the baby’s progression. Around her 3rd month of pregnancy she started disappearing. The few times we talked she would say things to me like “I need you to be a little more distant” and I knew that she didn’t want to be around me because I got her pregnant and she was sick and blaming me for it, typical pregnancy issues some women go through. So I backed off a little. Then around her 4th month she said that the child wasn’t mine and wrote me an email that she might abort, etc. I told her “fine” and went on with my life even though I was hurt, I didn’t want her to know this. Well, for about a month I would bump into some of her friends and family and they would tell me that what she was doing was messed up and for me to hang in there she will come around, etc. Around her 5th month of pregnancy I planned a surprise visit to her house just to see if she was still pregnant. I showed up, her mother answered the door, she came downstairs in a robe, I said “so are you still pregnant?” she said “yes”, I told everyone goodnight and I left. Needless to say I had to protect myself. So I waited it out to see if I would ever hear from her again, and when my daughter was three months old, I got a picture from her in an email saying she was mine and that she would bring her to see me, we even set up a day to meet (which never happened). At this point and time I decided to start a paternity court case in Maryland which was hell at the time because evidently not a lot of men were doing this at the time. I pursued the issue for about a year by myself without a lawyer because I couldn’t afford one at the time and through numerous mandated court appearances established by the judges, she never showed to any of them. Of course I was confused and was thinking “maybe she isn’t my daughter”. So I left it alone. Fast forward ten years to this year. Earlier this year I received a friend request from her sister on Facebook. I accepted. We talked and she sent me a picture of my daughter, and she looks just like I did at that age, so much in fact that all my daughter has is her mother’s nose, plus I have a 21 year old son who she looks exactly like except with long hair. So I had to go back to Maryland and re-open the case because I found out that it was closed in 2005 due to inactivity and they never enforced any of the court dates. In talking to her sister I found some things out. Ten years ago, my daughters mother started seeing her ex-boyfriend who dealt drugs. She even married him and he would take the car or beat her if she let me see my daughter. This year he got locked up and is now serving 14 years in prison. She gave my daughter his last name and everything. Since the court case was closed in MD I had to re-open the case in DC because my daughters mother moved back to DC where I have always lived. This year has been so trying dealing with this situation. When we met up I told her all I wanted to EVER do was have my daughter in my life. I told her we need to go to court to establish some paternal rights to which she said “the test is only a piece of paper”. That let me know that I was doing the right thing by going to court. I went to a couple of my daughters soccer games but had to remain incognito. At one of the games, my daughter ran up to me and hugged me like she knew me but her mother wasn’t there. My daughters grandmother was there, the grandmother, uncle, and aunt all LOVE me, they tell me everything because my daughters mother constantly lies. My daughters grandmother told me “she never does that, runs up and hugs anyone, especially a man and I don’t know where that came from”. But when my daughters mother found out that happened she got EXTREMELY upset and I haven’t been invited to any events that my daughter is involved in since. We both agreed that we would sit down and tell my daughter who I am TOGETHER. Of course that didn’t happen. We had 2 court dates this year in DC and my daughter’s mother didn’t show up to either of them claiming she forgot or she was busy. Well, this last appearance she missed they issued her a warrant for her arrest. I told her and she was FORCED to go to court to handle it. She was also forced to tell my daughter that I was her father WITHOUT ME of course. So she told me that it didn’t go that well because my daughter asked her “mommy if I meet him will I go to prison?” she told my daughter no but why would she bring up jail in the conversation at all?????? So now of course I look like the bad guy because I am out to hurt her mother and now my daughter doesn’t want to meet me. Well for the past month of my calling (I call her every week to see how my daughter’s week went) I have been asking to at least talk to her so she can see I am not the bad guy. I even sent a letter to my daughter and she never received it because the mother didn’t give it to her. I not only sent my daughter a letter I also sent her mother a letter saying that I apologize for whatever I have done to her and that I have to get the anger out of my heart for what happen which I have been working on. April of this year I sent my daughter a Kindle for her birthday and nobody told me she received it or anything. Well, I am suppose to meet her this Friday, I wrote down what I am going to say to her and I am trying to rehearse it so I can get it right. Is there anything else I should do to prepare for this event? I even bought a Kindle gift card for her so she can buy books because she likes to read. I appreciate any advice you can give me, thanks. H.

    • Luise Volta November 20, 2012 at 7:10 pm #

      H. I wish I had an answer for you but all I can think of is to be yourself. Her mother is making parenting impossible for you. That’s my take. I you can get any time with your daughter, she may see through some of the lies that she has been told and be drawn to your sincerity. Blessings, Luise

  16. Yolanda June 9, 2016 at 9:55 am #

    I am 32 and have never met or even seen a picture of my father. I don’t know anyone in his family. I have no contact information for him or anyone else that he may associate with.

    My mother claims to know very little about him and has no information for me except his first and last name and nickname. I fear that my mother was the mastermind behind me not knowing anything about him and him possibly never finding me. We are not on good terms over this.

    I struggled with living w/o a father for a very long time. I struggled with finding the strength and courage to find him.

    I think I am ready now.

    I have two kids and a spouse that I think would benefit in meeting him. I think I would benefit mostly in knowing my history and coming to terms w/ how I was raised w/o him. It would mean the world to me to meet him, see his face, and say hello.

    If anyone out there knows anything about how to start, who I should turn to, what i should do….please let me know.

    It would be nice to have closure after all these years.

    Than you.

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