Question: Dear Luise; I find this to be very silly but yet I am still writing you. I have no answers for anything I feel the last two years, however I have two amazing blessings which are my two children that i have gained. My mother passed away two years ago. I had no idea how difficult it would be to lose a parent. At the time, I was so concerned about my father, brother that I didn’t grieve. I was just taking care of my father and my own family and going on with life like it never happened. My daughter was born june 1st and three weeks later my mother had died just for no reason just like that. we went from talking about our plans of her and family being here to my family hiding the fact that my mom was very sick worse then what she told me. I remember her telling me that she wasnt going to make the birth of my daughter and that she would be up the following week well with that said I was down there when my brother called me telling me my mother was dying. My mother she was my best friend we talked 3, 5 times a day told eachother everything with her not being 110% honest with me with the health problems hurt me and hurt me even more with no one else telling me. They said that she told them to not tell me that it was important to have a good delivery and be able to be strong for a new born. Everyone knew but me and my husband. when i went the night to see her, i can still see it. I wanted her so badly to meet my daughter thats all she ever talked about. when i saw her she was a different person but still there if that makes sense. her organs were failing which she was starting to see things, talk funny, and then come back and be normal. i remember her holding my daughter she was so happy and then the moment she started talking funny i took her and my husband stayed in waiting room. she thought the whole night that my daughter was in her arms, it broke my heart but in the end it saved her. few days was with her she started getting better she told me to go home i was tired, a new mommy, i lived 3 hours away i wanted to stay but yet i feel guilty that i was tired and left to go home. i talked to her every day then out of no one the calls were no more i was talking with my dad through him to her. they were lying again. the day of fathers day i woke up i just knew i was going to get a call something just told me. i got a phone call from my brothers wife telling me that my mother was in hospice and they said she had only few hours to live…..i just left no questions asked dropped my daughter off at my inlaws and went to see her. she was sleeping so peacfully when i saw her..ask in sat there talking with her she knew i was there her feet moved more and so on…what kills me the most is i was going to stay with her that night so i told her i would be right back not even 20 min and so on 18 minutes im pulling back up and they are running out telling me she woke up…i got to the room and she was gone…i wouldn’t leave her and then they said the people were here to take her and i just left i couldnt be there i was in so much shock yet so upset…..i have no idea why she lied to me i cant get over any of it i feel robbed of time with her i could had been there i could had told her things i wanted her to know…..I’m just so lost. N.
Answer: Dear N.: Relationships and love, to my way of thinking, are not about how they end…they about the years of caring and sharing and the memories that we retain from all of that. You have end-of-life logistics that didn’t’ work for you when you lost your mom. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t know what you wanted her to know because you had and still have a heart connection. It doesn’t serve you to get stuck in how you wish it had all played out. It’s over. Regret and anger are not the legacy your mother wanted to leave to you.
Here’s what I did: I started writing to my mom after she passed. That may sound ridiculous but that’s what I did. I poured out to her what I wanted to say and hadn’t gotten a chance to say…or had failed to say. I kept it up until I felt like trying to write answers to me from her. No, she didn’t write them, I did. There was no “automatic writing” or extrasensory stuff going on…but I knew what she thought and how she felt and I just wrote what she would have. It took time…but I healed and I totally believe she helped me do that.
When you can, let go of what is causing you pain and seek what will bring you peace. That’s what your mom wants for you. Blessings, Luise