Question: Dear Luise: I married my current husband 14 years ago …i left a marriage of 23 years to do so as he swept me off my feet in the time we have been married our sex life has been terrible we have had sex once in the past 18 months and even then it was an effort on his part ..I think a few weeks ago he cheated on me as he says he got up at 4.00 am and went to get a hamburger and came home 3 hours later …i heard him come in and he went straight in the shower then came to bed he says he was reading the paper then i found an email from the person he met that morning …We have recently been over seas to thailand and every night he went out at 10 pm and came back to the resort at 1-2 am in the morning We recently went on a camping trip where he told me he didn’t love me as much as he used to , he still loved me but not in the same way …then the other day he said he would never cope if he had to come home to an empty house ..I feel a little used here i am 57 he is 56 i feel he cheated me from the start of our relationship and has been using me ever since i do not work and rarely leave the house i cook and clean for him and baby sit his grand children all the time ..this was not the impression he gave me from the start. Am i being unfair to want more than this? M.
Answer: Dear M.: You may want more and deserve more…but it’s my guess you are not going to get more. I would also guess that your husband is a dangerous person to interact with sexually due to his promiscuity and that no sex at all is the safest way to co-exist from your point of view.
You left your first husband for him, obviously after an affair. That may have been good for your guy’s ego. But your years with him have shown you that continued conquest is important to him and variety. You aren’t going to change that.
He may feel a little used if you don’t work and help out with the expenses. You feel a little used because you keep house for him and help with his grandkids. To me, that sounds more like a relationship than usury. (Yes, you contribute at home but many of us do both.)
If looking closely at what you have and where you are is distasteful, move on and support yourself independently. If not, why not try to get past keeping tabs on him and appreciate that he is providing for you and values coming home to you?
There is no perfect marriage because none of us are perfect. We all have to adjust and compromise. And each and every one of us has to decide how to do that in a balanced way. What works for one person may not for another. I believe that we create our own happiness and then share it with others. We also create our own misery. It depends on where we focus. Blessings, Luise