Is It Foolish To Give Up

Question: Dear Luise: I hope everything is well with you and all your loved ones. I’ve been following your site for months now and I enjoy your every post. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with my fiancé for 4years now, and he’s a great guy although he comes from a really messed-up kind of family. Everything was great between us until we were entering our second year. His parents got deeply involved in serious financial debt that they owed to a lot of people. His older brother had to cancel his wedding preparation because he had to help out the family. He also had to leave the States to our home country to help out his brother’s business. Things are very ugly between his family and my family/ His parents owed $45k to my mom and promised to pay back the following week but never did. This happened 2 years ago but I didn’t know about at the time. My family and I know that my fiancé is a really wonderful guy. He never loses his temper and he’s so used to putting everyone else before himself. Compared to the complicated situation between our families, none beats my hatred to his conceited twin sister. She never helps out with the financial situation, never tries to get a job (but talks about her dream job – modeling etc.). Despite my fiancé and her brother’s hard work trying to pay the bills and pay little by little their parents’ debts.. his twin sister only stayed in her bedroom everyday with AC on and played with her Blackberry all day.. She acts like she’s a local celebrity, and feels that every single soul on Earth wants to know what she’s up to every minute. Having a long-distance relationship, my fiance and I talk on the phone before I go to bed…and she will approach him and ask him to correct her poor grammar so she can update her status on her facebook frequently. One time when my fiancé had a plan on chatting to catch up with each other, his sister sabotaged his computer and refused to leave. She said she only needed a few minutes to check her facebook, but she ended up using the computer for hours and we canceled our plan. I’ve grown a strong hatred toward her that I never make effort to try to please her anymore like I did in the first 2 years. I’d feel really nauseous when I hear her name, see her pictures, etc. I seriously can’t stand her, but she tries to be in my life all the time by constantly bragging to me all about her and her and her, what she does, places she hangs out at, brands she uses as fashionsista, the overpaid gym place she goes to, etc.; all paid by her boyfriend. She acts like she’s the goddess I adore and pray to. I dislike her to the point it’s really hard to even pretend I like her a tiny bit. I’ve also made it clear and expressed all these to my fiancé.  He’s a really sweet guy and it’s hard to think of the possibility that I can find another nice guy like him, and I really want to spend my future with him…but sometimes when I think about our future and knowing that his twin sister will be a part of our lives, I just don’t know if I will ever be able to get rid of this hatred and disgust I have for her. I feel so foolish for walking out a relationship because I can’t stand his sister. I don’t know what I should do. Any advice from you will be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much, M.

Answer: Dear M. Thank you for your kind comments about my website.

You already know that your fiancé puts everyone ahead of himself. What you may not have realized yet is that he puts everyone ahead of you as well. And he always will. To put you first would be too close to putting his own interests first and he just doesn’t have it in him.

I’m really afraid his family is always gong to come first. That may be admirable if he plans to stay single but it leaves no room for him to start a new family unit and make it (you) his priority. Look at his brother and what happened to his wedding plans.

It is often hard to come from another country and try to mix traditions. If he feels responsible along with his brother to go back home and help dig the family out of the mess they’re gotten themselves into, then that will probably continue to be his main focus for some time to come. He wasn’t raised to see them as separate and able to face the consequences for their own mistakes. He wasn’t taught to say “no.”

If and when he returns to the States and to you…how long do think it will be before he’s called home again …(and again)…for crisis after crisis. You might as well move there yourself if you want to see him on a regular basis. And even then, how much time will he have?

And I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel for you regarding his twin sister. What you see is what you’re going to get. It’s a package deal and the pattern was set (probably in granite) long before you appeared on his radar.

You have two choices that I can see…go along with the whole thing accepting his split loyalties and tiresome twin or extricate yourself from their drama and get on with your life. He’s simply not available. If you can face and accept that, stay…but don’t hope for or plan on change. You will simply have to fit in and take whatever crumbs he is able to throw you. It wouldn’t appeal to me no matter how wonderful he was…and it doesn’t sound to me like it’s going to work for you, either. Blessings, Luise

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