Question: Dear Luise: A man I once loved for a very long time has come back into my life. I find that I’m not dealing well with how many female friends he has. We are happy except for this. I’m sure my insecurity must bother him. Please give me a hand with this situation before I blow it sky high. I don’t want to do that. Sincerely, Martha
Answer: Dear Martha: The first thing you need to get is that this is about you…not your guy. From what you have written, I take it that he is committed to you and that his friendships with other women are no real threat.
OK. This is going to take some serious honesty on your part. He can’t reassure you. There’s nothing he can say or do to help you out. It’s you that has to grow up.
First of all you have to make sure that you find him worth all the hard work you are taking on. It sounds like that’s the case. If it’s not, move on and find yourself a less sociable guy who doesn’t push your buttons.
If you feel he’s “the one” then its time to start working on your self-worth. Have you ever considered the possibility that you have created this difficult situation so you can stretch and become “more”?
You don’t need to tell him you are taking on this project of growth and expansion, but you need to tell your self what you’re up to. Here’s what you do. Each time you get a twinge of jealousy, (lets call it what it is), ask yourself to let him be the judge of who and what he prefers. Allow for the possibility that he knows what he’s doing, and that he’s found something, (probably many things), in you that are wonderful.
Think of one and focus on that; like how he admires your hair, or your special brownie recipe, or the way you laugh. Make a conscious deposit into your self-worth savings account. Why not write them down and review them often? Your guy is with you for some very specific reasons. He’s picked you over those other women. Let that sink in and use that information. If you get a little smug, good for you! Blessings, Luise