Question: Dear Luise: A man I have loved for a very long time has come back into my life. I find that I’m not dealing well with how many female friends he has. We are happy together except for this. I know my insecurity is starting to bother him. Please give me a hand with this situation before I blow it sky high. I don’t want to do that. Sincerely, Martha
Answer: Dear Martha: This first thing you need to get is that this is about you…not your guy. From what you have written, I take it that he is committed to you and that his friendships with other females are no real threat. OK. This is going to take some serious honesty on your part. He can’t reassure you. There’s nothing he can say or do to help you out, because it’s you that has to grow up. First of all, you need to make sure that you find him worth all the hard work you are taking on. It sounds like that’s the case. If not…move on and find yourself a less sociable guy who doesn’t push your buttons. If, as you suggest, he’s “it”..then start working on your self -worth. Have you ever considered the possibility that you have created this difficult situation so you can stretch and become “more”? You don’t need to tell him you’re taking on this project…but you need to tell yourself what you’re up to.
Each time you get a twinge of jealousy, (let’s call it what it is), ask yourself to let him be the judge of who and what he prefers. Allow for the possibility that he knows what he’s doing and that he sees something, probably many somethings, in you that are wonderful. Think of one…and focus on that. Like how he likes your hair or your special brownie recipe or the way you laugh. Make a conscious deposit into your self-worth savings account. I find writing these things down and reviewing then to be helpful, but how you do it is up to you. Some people like to visualize or have inner conversations that build reassurance. He is with you for some very specific reasons. He picked you over those other women. Let that sink in and use that information. If you get a little smug, good for you!