I’m To Blame Either Way

Question: Dear Luise: My son recently graduated from high school and is now living with his girlfriend and her parents.  I don’t need to get into the details of what led up to him moving out, but after several attempts to make contact with him, he sent me an email telling me not to contact him, unless someone dies.  He said that everything is my fault and I am to tell the rest of the family (an extended list of grandparents, aunts, uncles, nephews, etc…) that it is all my fault.  He said that I should know what the problem is and if I don’t, I had better figure it out.  As any mother does, I have gone over all of the would-haves, should-haves, shouldn’t-haves, could-haves, etc. MY concern is that if I respect his requesnt not to contact him, it will look like I dont’ care.  I want to let go and let him live his life, making his own choices, but I don’t want him thinking that I don’t care.  If I continue to make attempts to contact him, it will annoy him at the least, and push him further away.  I have read some of your other posts about moving on and accepting that your own child won’t speak to you, but I am afraid that by doing so, it will appear as if i just don’t care.  This all started when he met a girl in grade 11.  Ever since he has slowly become distant with all of his family and friends, and quit the activities that he used to enjoy.  It escalated after graduation because he was working full time, spenind any spare time at his girlfriend’s and completely ignoring us, all the while expecting to live rent/responsiblity-free in our home.  When confronted, he said we owed him rent free accomodation because he had to save his own money to go to college. He had a choice of paying or helping or moving out.  He felt that because he was a responsibile person, did well in school etc. that he was entitled.   He decided to wait until nobody was home and moved out.  He hasn’t talked to any family members since.  It is hard enough to deal with my own pain, but it is heart wrenching to watch my parents and other family suffer as well.  We were a close family who spent a lot of time together.  Noone understands why he is doing this.   It would be easier to accept that he was angry at me and didn’t want to talk to me if he at least kept in contact with someone in the family.  Again, I know I have to let him go, but it would be easier to greive an actual death, than not seeing or talking to him.  At least a death would be final.  I can’t help but feel like I have to do something. T.

Answer: Dear T.: Please come over to my Web-forum to get some much-needed support as you learn to accept the position you have been put in. You know it’s about your son, not you, and it is going to be his lesson to learn or not learn regarding how convenient it is to deny responsibility and blame the blameless.

We are at: www.WiseWomenUnite.com

Leave the door of your heart open…because there is no way to close it. He may come around. You know you gave him your best. Now it is time to heal your self from within and find peace. Blessings, Luise

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