Question: Dear Luise: I am having a problem with both my Adult children. both moved back home recently. Whenever I have a disagreement with my husband, our son steps in and starts yelling at me. My husband just sits there and lets my son battle it out for him. I try to tell him this is between his dad and myself, but he continues on. What started out as a disagreement ends up being a great big fight. I don’t understand why he feels he needs to step in…and how do i stop this? The other problem is our daughter. She has had drug issues since she was 12. We have had her in and out of treatment over the years, which has helped with the drug problems but now it is alcohol that has got her. She has Lupus and other health issues and says she wants help, but when i try to help her she just shoves me away and tells me I am a bad parent. Then she will call me crying and depressed. the cycle starts all over again. I am at my wits end with this. I am tired and frustrated and scared, especially for my daughter. What do I do? Thank you. J.
Answer: Dear J.: It sounds like your husband is enjoying having his son as his advocate. There’s no way I know of to interrupt that dynamic except to not fall into the trap of taking them on. Talk with your husband alone about such issues or just plain give up and have him be how he is…since that’s what’s going to happen any way.
Regarding your daughter, you appear to have used the resources available without freeing her from addictive behavior. There is no answer that I know of except to go to Al-Anon and get help for yourself. She appears to have made choices that are taking her down. Some believe there is no choice where addiction is concerned. I don’t know.
You are what matters. If you can turn away from the entanglement all three of them offer and focus on your own healing, I sincerely believe that Al-Anon is the place to start. Blessings, Luise