Question: Dear Luise: I’m very confused. I was with my ex-husband for 13 years. We have 2 children together, now 14 and 11. We divorced 5 years ago. We we’re like oil and water, and had bad communication problems, but also very young taking on a relationship and children. I’m now 35 and he is 40. When we split up, I started seeing someone within the 1st 2 months. We would do things with the kids despite my new relationship up until he got a girlfriend 1 year later. I ended up pregnant by my now ex-boyfriend, and my little girl is 2 years old. My ex-boyfriend is now in prison for at least the next 15 years, he went there when I was 3 months pregnant. Therefore, him nor his family are involved in her life. My ex husband was with his now ex girlfriend for 3 years. During that time, we grew close again. We built a great healthy friendship for the sake of our children then it ended up being wonderful for us. He always kept our friendship a secret from his ex girlfriend. He told me and the children he never loved her, even during the times they were together. Anyway, 3 months ago he broke up with her and moved out. He would come here and visit with them and we ended up being intimate 1 night, casually. The next week he moved back with her ( his dad lives at the house too) because financially he is going through hard times. He felt bad to leave her hanging and also having a hard time coming up with the money to get his own place. So, though I had a moment of “What if we got back together” it soon stopped because he went back to her. 2 weeks later I met someone and I’ve been seeing him for the past 2 months. This new guy is 6 years younger then me, no kids, never married, beginning his life. I love his personality, he’s funny, attentive, we’re attracted to each other etc. As soon as my ex husband found out I have a new boyfriend, he got very upset and 2 days later he left his gf again. This time, for good. I was being a friend and letting him come here to visit the kids, told him he could store some stuff here etc. because he is currently looking for an apartment to rent over by my house so he can be closer to the kids. My new boyfriend got upset and said I’m too close with my ex husband. We fought and then broke up for a day because I told him I will not change my relationship with my ex husband. Then my ex husband came over and we had a long talk. He opened up to me for the first time ever and said, not a day goes by that he hasn’t wished we were still together, that he feels there is a chance, to take it day by day, that he loves my new baby like his own (she calls him daddy) (this is an amazing step for him I see so much growth. He was so mad when I got pregnant)that he wants to move near by to help me while I’m in school full time. So, that night he came and hang out with a couple friends and we drank alcohol. He tried to put the moves on me and I was so upset of my boyfriend and I breaking up, I started crying. I didn’t explain, but he got upset and left. (this is something he always used to do. he has problems opening up, communicating, etc.) By surprise, he called me the next morning to apologize, he said he wished we didn’t drink cuz if we were about to be intimate, he would want it to be special. (another surprise). During our divorce and after all of these years, I have matured myself, grown spiritually, learned how to be independent. I see how he’s grown somewhat. My question is, I’m in love with my new boyfriend, and I see a possible future here, but I’m hungup on my ex husband. I never seem to let him go. I ended up getting back with my boyfriend, he was very persistent all weekend in trying to work things out, he has such a good communicative heart. I sat my ex husband down and told him, I’m back with my boyfriend, that I’m unsure of his motives etc. my ex husband cut me off, said he’s been through this before with me, and he will leave me alone, that we won’t even really be friends anymore. Should I try to work things out with my ex husband, is there a possible future? Should I let me new boyfriend go? I’m so scared that if I go back to my ex husband I won’t be emotionally happy, and that I will miss my boyfriend. But I’m also scared that I won’t be happy with my new boyfriend now, I’m a little resentful for his pushing me to stop my relationship with my ex husband. I’m also afraid that this is mine and my ex husbands chance to try something. Please help, I’m soooo lost. Thank you. D.
Answer: Dear D.: In reading what you have written, I get that you are growing up. You have a trail of guys and babies in your life, as do many who don’t know who they are or what they want. No one ever said growing up was easy and most of us do it after we leave home and supposedly have become adults.
My take is that none of the men you have interacted with so far are the right guy, even though I get your ex-husband would like to be. They blow hot and cold and mostly want you when they can’t have you. You need time on your own. That’s my take. If you would like some support in developing your independence, come on over to my Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you will meet a community of women doing their best to get through and past what stops them in life. Blessings, Luise