I’m Heartbroken

Question: Dear Luise: my name is Leah, a proud Mother of one son, that I raised as a single mom. He is now 30 yrs. old, has been married for 16yrs. Has 3 beautiful children, out of the 3 he found out that only 1 belongs to him, and now the daughter in law is now preg again with another man’s child, my son has had a visectomy..I was band from seeing my grandchildren over a year ago, when I caught the dauther in law running around then, so I have not been apart of done of their lives for awhile…I found out about her being preg by another man, and have spoke with my son, he tells me I’m no longer aoart of his life or the kids, and for me to stay out of his life, I’m so heart broken that this daughter in law has and is the cause of me and my son relationship to be a hardship, why does he blame me for past things, I was a great mother to him, and raised him good, why am I getting the blame for everything she is doing, why does he mistreat me?…please help me with this…I know the man that she is carring his child..Please I need you r help…I’m Heartbroken. L.

Answer: Dear L.: People who conduct themselves the way your DIL does and people who enable them the way your son does, need someone to blame for their behavior. You involved yourself in your DIL’s life and made your judgment about her known. That made you a handy scapegoat.

Your son probably decided you could no longer be a part of their lives to save face. He’s staying with her…so you, (because of your knowledge and attitude,) had to go. I know you want the best for him but if he thinks she’s it, you become expendable.

If you are truly sorry you interfered and took a stand, let them know that. It may not change anything but it might. Don’t apologize if you’re not sorry. You are right but sometimes being right can be a lonely place.

Beyond all of that, is the opportunity to create a life for your self that lets go of parenting. They are adults no matter how they behave and have a right to follow their own path. You, in turn, can move past parenting and grand parenting to a life of your own. It may not appeal at the moment but it could develop into something really satisfying if you chose to expand into it. Blessings, Luise

2 Responses to I’m Heartbroken

  1. K. January 14, 2011 at 4:25 pm #

    I am numb. My 19 year old is pregnant but going to abort the baby. She rejects any help we have offered her in order to keep the baby. My husband says that he doesn’t want to see her or talk to her again.

    She wants to meet a boy from another country right after the abortion and pretend like this never happened.

    I am besides myself… we pay her rent, do with out to try and get her back on track but nothing is working.

    should we just cut her off and let her flounder? Will she come back…K.

    • Luise January 15, 2011 at 4:30 pm #

      Your daughter is a young adult and needs to make her own decisions even if they are totally wrong from you point of view. It’s her life. At the same time, her being dependent on you is unrealistic. If she’s going to make her own decisions…she needs to pay her own way. Floundering is often part of the process of maturing into adult status. I wouldn’t call it cutting her off…she just ready to leave the nest with your love and best wishes.

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