I’m Frustrated and Confused

Question: Dear Luise: I’ve been with my guy 6 years come mid-September, we’ve lived together for over 2 and a half years, and held a mortgage together for a year. We are talking kids within the next 3-4 years, and are just working on saving up for the future together… one thing that bothers me… we aren’t married. We aren’t even engaged, I want to be, I actually thought last year he would pop the question on our anniversary… nope… I’ve told him it bothers me, and that I want to be married before kids, he thinks there is no rush, and besides, we don’t have the money to do a wedding anyway. I don’t want a fancy ring, I don’t want a big wedding, some of my favourite rings have been under $100 dollars, though he is very set on that silly 3 month wage rule. I would be happy getting married at city hall and having a small family gathering afterwards, he thinks we need to do it properly since my family can be a bit weird about weddings (extended family more than parents, but them a bit too, nothing that would make or break any important relationships) I just want him to put a ring on it darn it! We are ridiculously committed to each other but it feels like he is holding back big in this one area, I don’t know what to do, am I overreacting? S.

Answer: Dear S.: This could be a deal-breaker. You have a huge gap in beliefs and values. The word for that is incompatibility. Engagement and marriage to you are the foundation to build a relationship on and are not for “show.” That’s a heart thing. To him is has to be done “right” or not at all. That’s an ego thing.

I have a friend who is getting married this month after a 12-year, live-in relationship and two great kids. My son has been with his lady and unmarried for 15 years and I know they will be together when they are my age (84.) However, that is them, not you. Marrying or even getting officially engaged when both people aren’t into it 100% is a real mistake.

I have another friend who just went to Hawaii and “officially” made a lifetime commitment. They had a beautiful ceremony but didn’t marry.

You are arguing about something that doesn’t matter…not really. Lots of couples marry and fail…lots of couples don’t marry and succeed. What matters is how different you are. Meet in the middle, now, or call it quits. He’s had his way for six years, that’s more than long enough. Blessings, Luise

One Response to I’m Frustrated and Confused

  1. S. February 1, 2012 at 11:55 am #

    Fair enough, thank you Mom 🙂

    And for the record, he does matter more to me than being able to say husband and wife. S.

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