Question: Dear Luise: in may i went to see my mom and found her on the floor dead no clothes on she had ben there maybe 2 days i talked her a couple of days before and she said she wanted to die i made her feel better by talking about my son whom she loved she was having lots of troublt brething my brother took her to the doctores 3 days in a row i guess her pulse was weak the doctor did not tell my brother she need ed to be in the hospital any way i feel so bad she died all alone and canot stop feeling guilty how do i get over the fact thta she had a massive heart attack. I miss her so much. C.
Answer: Dear C.: Losing our moms is something none of us is prepared for. Most of us can’t be there when they leave. Even when they are hospitalized, there just isn’t a way to know the exact moment. Doctors can’t always determine what’s wrong in advance and when they can, often nothing can be done about it. You found your mom, which increases the trauma and adds to your pain.
You just lost her four months ago and you had her with you for your whole lifetime plus nine months before that. There is probably no reality for you yet that she is really gone. And of course there can be no acceptance until the reality sets in. She lost her mom and your son will lose you. We can’t stop that or really understand it. All that’s left is acceptance.
She couldn’t stay any longer. There wouldn’t have ever been a right time to say goodbye and if you had been sitting right there beside her when she died, holding her hand, it would still have been beyond your ability to let her go. When you can, let go of the circumstances and the “what ifs” and know that she was free of her suffering in an instant. Free.
And when you can, think about what she would want for you. She gave you life. She wanted you to live it to the fullest with joy in your heart. Talk to her; I still do that with my mom and when I am very still, I know what her answer is. I don’t hear it, I just know…because I don’t think her spirit has ever left me. Blessings, Luise