Question: Dear Luise: The Untold Story That Awaits A Son or Daughter. Where does one begin? OMG. The Pain. I guess I’ll say, Mom, I Love You, I Am So Proud You Were My Mom. WOW. You’re Awesome. Well, I am here at this site because like most here, my mother has departed On April 17, she departed on Her Birthday after a hard fight with numerous complications. This year alone has been a living nightmare for me, TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT. Mom starting getting worse early in the year, and I knew in my Heart, that Mom wasn’t going to make it much longer. As January came, she began to get worse, multiple hospital visits and days and night staying there, it was tough. She always stayed Positive, Mom never showed weakness, Her Love was her strength and her eyes were her passage into glory. March Came and I thought mom was going to go on my B-day, she didn’t and fought even more, All the while I was with her as much as I can. Over time I was with her so much I lost track. She was my mom, she gave me life, she gave me herself over and over, what better way to pay her back than to tell her, I love you mom. April came; we spent like what seem every day in the hospital. That is where I was able to sit with mom and tell her how I felt. Mom, I said. I am so proud of you, you were awesome, I am proud you were my mom, not someone else’s. I told her I could not have asked for a better mother. She was everything that god could have made into a mother. We brought up old stories of us fishing, and going on trips and so much more. It was mom and her baby, as she always referred me as all the time. I was her baby, that was who I was and never stopped being. Mom, never cried, though she came close once and I grabbed her hands and said, don’t worry, you will be fine. We are all going to be fine. Mom knew she was leaving us. She knew and I wanted her to know, that I was so proud of her and I had no regrets. I lived in her eyes as she brought me up, with love and respect. Though I will stand up if need be “Moms strength”. A week prior The Week of April 10th, she was getting much worse. I had informed my 2 Uncles that mom was not going to make it another two weeks; they got things together on their end as far as getting family ready. I knew, I knew and the time was drawing, I didn’t tell anyone that she was nearing her time, but when April 14 came; it was time to notify everyone. Mom was now hospice, been informed, not much they can do for her, we are to make her comfy and make the best of what she has left. Mom went downhill his so fast. It must be the hardest part in a sons life to know, Mom, the women that gave you life was about to lose hers and no longer walk, cook, call or sit down with you to laugh. It was hard, but somehow I manage to gain a strength I never knew existed. Moms health went downhill so fast, so fast, by Saturday morning, it was very obvious mom was leaving us that day. That is where I called all the strength I could muster and ask God for a blessing. In silence I knew who my strength was. I used the Power of True Love to lift me to a place I never been to. Saturday came 12pm noon, I was there, I took moms hands and held them, I sat there from 12pm Saturday April 16th at her side holding her hands, Singing to her as only I could, I hum to her like you would a child, I spoke to her when she barely had voice to ask or say something. It was I who held her for the FINAL 16 HOURS OF HER LIFE. I held moms hand and I sat there with her. The one promise I made my mother was this, I will never leave you, I will be here with you and I am never ever leaving you. She had ask me a week before not to leave her alone. I informed work I was taking FMLA leave to be with my mother and if approved or not, I was going to be with her regardless. My Promise was her asking me to never leave her alone when she needed me most. 16.5 Hrs From Saturday 12pm to her Passing Sunday 4:30am I stood hand in hand with her. She was a fighter and never shed a tear; mom went with the Grace of Love and Her Kindness still intact. I was pleased that mom, didn’t suffer as we had some medication for her pain. Mom knew everyone came to see her and she waited for the last member in her family to see her. Mom went at 4:30 Am; she was born on April 17th and Rested April 17th. My mother I love you, how does one get over a women who brought life to him and was the world to her. I cry and I feel devastated. I hurt so much, Tears flow from just several to rivers and I am drowning in them. My head spins so fast sometimes I feel like I am going to fall. There is so much pain, I know everyone says they understand but its imposible for anyone to understand such love can bring such a powerful pain to ones being. How does one even begin to cope? Where, How, WHEN, so many questions and all lead to more questions. My pain is everything described here and 10 fold more added to it. MOM, You were strong and right now I need your strength. Maybe talking to those who have lived this pain can I learn to maybe, just maybe, cope with it enough that I can try to live a decent life without MY MOM. MOM I LOVE YOU. Can’t wait for you to hold me again when you come to get me, your son. My First Tears For My Mom Came 3 Weeks Later, Small They Were But Hers All The Way. My Day Will Come When I Will Truly Hit The Floor With All Her Emotions I Have Been Holding. So Far They Are Smaller Rivers. The Ocean IS Growing Inside Me. Oh Boy. D.
Answer: Dear D.: None of us understand death and all of us have to face it. It is also true that those who don’t face it, suffer the most. It is normal and healthy to feel like you do this soon after such a loss. The job at hand is to not get stuck in self-pity and to eventually let healing take place. I still miss my mom and she has been gone for 57 years. I still talk to her. I sometimes write to her and then I write down her answer back to me. Do I make it up? Sure. Is it what she would have said? Of course.
When our moms give us life…they give us the task of facing death…theirs and then our own because life and death go together. There is no one-size-fits-all way to get through loss. We have a “shelf-life. We are “perishable items.” It just is.
What I did…when I lost my mom, was to try to determine what she would have wanted. And what I knew when I went there…was that she would have wanted me to go on, as she did when she lost her mom, with dignity and yes, joy. She gave me my life to live in joy…with or without her. I can only hope, that my beloved son does the same thing and as soon as possible after I pass. I hope he celebrates his life instead of focusing on my death and dismissing the value of the life I gave him. No, not right away, the separation is too stark and appears too final…but as soon as he can. Life is a gift and death isn’t final, just different.
So, know that how you are feeling right now will not last unless you nurture it and perpetuate it and refuse to let it go. And that’s not what your mom wants. She wants to hear you laugh again…and somewhere, somehow, she will laugh with you. Blessings, Luise