Question: Dear Luise: I have been dating a separated man who has been separated from his wife for almost 18 years .We have been together for nearly 2 years but sometimes I just can’t put my finger on our relationship, We also have an 8 month year old son now, together. He also has 3 older sons in their 20 who are living with their mother, Lately we have been arguing a lot because he’s having problems about the baby. He’s afraid that if his sons find out that they won’t talk to him anymore. I think he’s right though…at the same time, this deprives my daughter and I from going to his house! (I forgot to mention that I have a 13 year old from a previous relationship, although I’m single). He also does things without discussing with me and sometimes I feel lost in our relationship and when I tell him he says I always cause problems and make us fight. I really love this guy and want things to work. Please help! A.
Answer: Dear A.: I don’t see much stability in your life. You have a “sort of” relationship with a man you don’t live with…who isn’t free to marry and who doesn’t want anyone to know he has fathered your child. Of course he makes decisions without your input…you have no status whatsoever.
If your relationship with him means so much to you that you can accept being incidental in his life…then you will have to accept the consequences and remain someone who is not taken into consideration. It’s that simple.
I don’t see you holding yourself in high regard and it seems to me he is throwing you crumbs from his table. If that’s OK with you, don’t ask for anything more. You need to call it what it is, which isn’t much…and then you need to put up with it without complaint. He isn’t going to change…why should he? I personally think you deserve a lot better but the choice is yours. Anything that you might call “better” isn’t going to be with him. Blessings, Luise