Question: My mom was cheating on my dad for two years. When i was in 7th grade they finally separated. I try to love my mom however she is the most vain person I have ever met. She has a serious problem with alcohol and jealousy. She’s always comparing me to her friends daughter. Throughout her whole life I don’t think she’s ever told me she was proud of me unless she’s trying to put on the good mother act in front of all her friends. I am not going back to college because i’m taking a semester off because my dad doesn’t have the credit for a loan. My mom doesn’t even know this since she hasn’t talked to me since 2 months ago. As much as not having my mom kills me my brother takes his hate for her out on me. I look like her and I have her voice however that’s the only similarities we have. My brother acts like im just like her and won’t even speak to me because of it. We live in the same house! When he does say something to me its about how i’m a horrible person and going nowhere in life. I dont know what to do because my dad thinks i’m the bad person in this situation and says I egg my brother on when I wont even talk to him first! For example today I went to the kitchen and made a sandwich and my brother started with me telling me no one wants me here and I should just kill myself. He’s even told my dad he can’t stand me because I remind him of my mom. He doesnt realize everything she did to him she did to me too and I was older and understood it all! I just want my brother in my life and I’m scared he wont be. C.
Answer: Dear C.: There is nothing you can say or do to change your brother. You are the convenient scape-goat for his hurt and rage, through no fault of your own. There is probably also no way you are going to help your dad see reason…he may be pretty overwhelmed by it all. You deserve so much better but you are going to have to give it to yourself. Try to stay our of their way until you can move away from something that isn’t your fault and on into the life you have a right to. Your brother may eventually see through the dynamics that are controlling him or he may not. Time will tell. Blessings, Luise