Question: Dear Luise: I love my husband, we just recently got married in June of 2011 but have been together off and on for 17 years. Together we have a 16 yo, 8 yo and 9 week old baby. He is 41 and I am 34. I fell for him back when I was 15, however we were from two different world, he was older a ladies man and had women falling at his feet (latin lover of sorts) the sex was AMAZING! Throughout our relationship he has struggled with drug as well as other women addiction, even had a child with another woman on one of our off times. I finally got sick of my obsession with being with him and decided to let him move on… ofcourse this is when he chose to see the light. We moved in together and have been living together for 2 years. Since that day he has not touched drugs or other women he did a complete 180 and I no longer about him cheating or using drugs. He’s a great father and husband. So now you have the background, my question is… he wants to have sex regularly and I do as well, but I always push him away. I’m still attracted to him and I truly love him but I just can’t seem to bring back that fire we used to have. I fear he will leave because he tries and I constantly push him away. I know its not the baby either because this was happening prior to the pregnancy and birth. The sad thing is I want sex, but now he asks permission and it’s always the same thing. He used to be creative but no more. And yet he wants me to be. I am so confused and don’t want to lose the relationship now that its finally good please help what should I do? C.
Answer: Dear C. My take is that you need to get divorced. That may sound weird but some people, both men and women, are not happy without the challenge of a non-committed status in their relationship. You say you don’t want to lose the relationship now that it is “finally good” and then you tell me how bad it is. Take a good look at that. Your guy seems to have settled in for the long haul and appears to be demonstrating that he no longer has to be sexually inventive. (It may be unconscious on his part but the evidence points strongly to that possibility.) You push him away because you want and miss his former enthusiasm. It’s pretty clear that you can’t have it both ways. Blessings, Luise