Question: Dear Luise: My daughter married a man that did not respect me before they got married. Now I have two beauttiful grandchildren. A 4 year-old grandson and a 2 year-old granddaughter. I live with my sister who adopted a mentally handicaped boy. He is seventeen but acts like a 5 yr old. My grandson was spending the night with me the Friday before father’s day 2011. My grandson was in my sister’s son’s room playing. My bedroom is next to his and I can see his door. I was sitting on my bed and saw someone push the door up. So I got up and open the door and ask what they were doing. My grandson said thatmy sister’s son licked his stomach. I told him to come to me and we had a little talk. He said that his cousin did not touch him in his private parts, just his stomach. My sister also question both boys separately. I did tell my daughter and she was not upset. When she told her husband he came over to my sister’s house. Busted in the door and grabbed the mentally handicapped boy and choked him, dragged him across the flood and sat on him with his hands around his throat. Thank God he wasn’t physically hurt. Now my grandchildren can’t come to see me here and it seems like they are always busy when I want to see them. My daughter never spends time with me anymore. She always has an excuse. They even stopped going to the same church where we all attened. This situation has not effected my son-in-laws family. They get to see the children all the time. My daughter treats me like a stranger when I am around, but has so much to say to her mother-in-law. I know this is long, but I need answers. I was over there today and hadn’t eaten. They ate in front of me and didn’t even offer me anything. I am so hurt! I haven’t done anything wrong. Help me please. R.
Answer: Dear R.: You can’t change people and you can’t change their minds. Your daughter and son in law are adults and get to make their own choices, raise their children as they see fit and associate with whomever they want to befriend.
I think the incident you referred to would be enough to worry most parents. The challenged cousin is fully matured, physically, and probably totally confused. He probably shouldn’t have been left alone with your grand children.
The other side of the coin is that someone should have called 911 when your son in law attacked him. What your son in law did was against the law and he is a threat to society no matter what church he belongs to.
The whole thing is something you are not going to be able to unravel. They have pretty much disowned you, which I agree is beyond unfair. They may feel guilty and are trying to by-pass that by blaming you or they may have thought you put their son at risk. Perhaps both apply.
In truth, to be raised by a violent father is much more dangerous than anything that happened at your house. Blessings, Luise