Question: Dear Luise: my youngest son was in a bad marriage both were at fault but the wife was a little worse. my son ask me to come help. i came and eventually lost my job to help out. over the year he ended up with full custody because i was in place to help raise them. the ex wife got nothing had to pay child support ect. I spent all my money over 36 thousand dollars and had to go back to work. had to move to another state for eight years my life was my little grandchildren and work. I put them in Christian school and all the while my ex husband and i had agreed to help our son get his degree. He went to school but partied most of the 8 years when he wasnt at school he was out most every night with friends and women he met. I was always with the children. He met on the internet a woman that was very loose. she had two children by two different men and says she is pregnant with my sons. IHe had an off and on relationship with her before this happened (pregnancy) he told me and his dad the girl was crazy he had tried to break up with her ect. He told all about her including the above. that is how I know about her. He has a habit of lieing he lies all the time about any and everything. He had mentally hurt me with lieing..me believing only to be finding out he was lieing (he is very good at lieing. He at one time even told me thats why he didn’t want his girls around her because she was the way she was. This went on and on it would take a book literally to tell all he has done. These little girls were like my own. I was always there for them he never was out of 8 years he maybe spent 1 month total with the girls. that is pushing it. it was so seldom. He spent his money from school loans and grants and a part time job on himself and women. out of 8 years it would push it to say he spent maybe 500 dollars total on the girls. I had alot of financial trouble as did his dad. But we helped each other out. and the girls never wanted for anything. I became disabled my health went down. I expect to eventually get better one doctor told me it would be at least a year and I would have to take baby steps to get better. I was still able to watch the children. the youngest I had raised from a 5 month baby and the oldest was 3 when I got them. They are now 8 and 11. He took them and moved in with this woman and her two kids from two different men. He is mad because I do not like the woman. He refuses to bring the girls to see me. I do not know where they live. he has not told me or his dad except the city name. I love those girls with all my heart they are my heart. He brought the youngest one by for about 10 minutes. and then brought both for about 15 and keeps on saying he’ll bring them. He did this after several weeks of not answering calls and text. It is doubtful the baby is even his. only time will tell. But thats his life. His dad and I had always bailed him out of every trouble he got into..we have been helping him financially for many years. He has never had to do anything. Yes we have now realized that he is selfish as he is because we always swept up after him. This is not an exaggeration. He has been in all kinds of trouble and situations that we picked up the pieces for him. We have done this in love when we know now it should have been tough love and let him fend for himself. The girls I love with all my heart and they love me. They called me mama becasue I was the only mom they ever knew. The oldest one I told the story of her birth mother and would have told the little one at the age I told the older one. Children are different and the oldest one was more mature minded and she knew I was her grandmother and mother based on the fact I care for her like a mother. When he took them out he has been angry and then when things started getting tough for him started trying to be “friendly” But at different times he would text me nasty things when I would beg him to please let the girls come spend time with me. One night he text me in filthy language. I need to also tell you one day a couple of years before he took the girls. He was dating another girl and one of the children told me he had brought her here while I was at work and she and her baby sister was told to stay downstairs. She sneaked up the stairs and saw the girl (as she put it) take her bra off mama. There is no telling what else she saw before she sneaked back downstairs with her baby sister. He has done so much of the same only with this particular girl he ended up walking in on her and another man that was the only way he woke up and left the relationship. But before he did this and between the bra incident I had spoke to him about this he cursed me and I said do not talk like that to me again. He got right in my face and said it again and I slapped him. He then slapped me back and knocked my glasses off. This is the type man he has become. I have always helped him as his dad also did. We have another son who is a little older but is a responsible caring son but is many miles away (several states) and we don’t get to see him very much. Now I am here unable to work (I pray to be healed and be able to work again) I have took a back set because the stress from him taking the girls stress makes my condition even worse. But I have great faith in God. I am praying He heals me as well as fixes this mess. I cry all the time these girls were like my own. I wanted my son to eventually find a good woman but he has always gravitated to the same type woman. He reads the motorcyle and tatoo mags that show the women half dressed and that is the type woman he gravitates toward. I have only told you a few details because as I said it would truly take a book to tell all . Bottom line isI am hurting for those girls. The brief times (1 both of them 1 just the youngest) came they hugged me and squeezed tight they are scared of their daddy because he has a bad temper and they do love him, but don’t want to have him holler at them. They told me how much they love me and miss me. All the while looking over their shoulder to make sure their dad didn’t hear them (he had went outside to use his cell phone) This is not right but I never had legal guardianship..but I was more of a parent than him but as you know you have to have legal guardianship to do anything. I need help but I don’t know what…I am hurt to the core. T.
Answer: Dear T.: You did your best. That’s all any of us can do and you deserve so much better. Your FAITH will get you through this. Remember one thing, you were whole before you ever became a parent or a grandparent. You can be whole again by accepting the unacceptable. You have no choice and to let it ruin your health and life is too high a price to pay. Blessings, Luise