Question: Dear Luise: I am engaged to be married this year but I feel as if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life. We have been together for almost five years and the sex has never been great. One day one of my colleagues called me to show me pics of my boyfriend naked on a sex site.I read the things he said to the woman on the site and it hurt like hell! Of course I said some not so nice things to him, I felt cheated and humiliated! He promised it would never happen again and deleted his profile. I still don’t trust him. When that stopped, so did the sex in our relationship. He has never been interested in me sexually, or that is what it feels like. He is loving and loves to kiss and cuddle but that isn’t enough for me. The last time we “tried” to have sex was more than four months ago and that ended in a disaster with me feeling even more frustrated than ever. I promised myself I will never try and initiate anything with him again. His excuse is that it is because of the things I said to him, the truth is, it has been like that forever. It bothers me that we are more roommates that a couple. Lately I would wake up with him touching me or him using sex toys on me while I’m sleeping. That makes me sick to my stomach, he is not interested in me but he has no problem using my body as a “Kleenex” for his dirty mind. Then comes tomorrow he ignores my needs and just pretends that everything is okay. It bothers me because I usually wake up to the slightest sound. Why when he is doing this is it almost as if I passed out, why do I feel so thickheaded after that. I asked him why he does that, his only answer is “I didn’t hear you complain”, even though I’m not even aware of what his doing and only sometimes wakes up, if I do he stops. It’s obvious he sees nothing wrong with this, so my guess is he will do it again. In my view, if I don’t give consent for him to do the things he does to my body, in my mind that is sexual abuse or some will even call it rape. I am not willing to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage with no passion. I just feel so stuck I don’t know which way to turn. I love him, but not the way I should love him, and looking back on this after I finally put it in writing, I’m sure he doesn’t love me and may just be using me. I feel ugly and a complete failure as a woman. In fact, I feel completely alone and lost. How do I get out of this, it feels as if I will never be happy! Please help me! L.
Answer: Dear L. You get out of it by leaving. ASAP! You aren’t going to be able to construct a relationship of mutual respect with this guy and you are not the kind of person who will thrive or even survive in an environment of corruption and pathology. Repeat after me, “I am fine! It’s not me!” Say it over and over again until you believe it..because it’s true! Blessings, Luise