Question: Dear Luise: I can’t cope with the death of my mother! She got diagnosed with colon cancer in dec.2010, And passed away June of 2011. She was not only my Mother she was my best friend! She was only 71. She lived with my husband & I which my husband has expected me to get over it! Not very supportive. I have a daughter that is 27 & a major drug addict which I know it is in God’s hands but fear every day she is going to die! I have hardly no friends & the rest of my family keeps to themselves. I can’t function!! I feel so empty, so alone, so sad! I miss my mom soooooooo much!! I can’t bare the fact of her gone! I am under so much stress!! I don’t know how to cope anymore!!!!!!!!!! I also, would like to add that I am a breast cancer survivor but at 46 still dealing with lots of medical issues. K.
Answer: Dear K.: We get hit with these blockbusters and feel so alone with them. I suppose that’s because we all experience grief and loss differently and even when someone understands, they can’t help us. Not really.
I had a horrible time when I lost my mom. We don’t know a world without them in it. We “knew” and loved them nine months before we saw the light of day. To add to that most of us don’t understand death. Many think they do and it brings them comfort…but when the time comes, most of us can’t seem to hold ourselves together.
Death is part of life. It can come moments after birth or any time thereafter. My eldest son died of a sleep apnea stroke at age 52. He wasn’t even sick.
Our job it to get that it is part of life, really get it, and to learn to accept that fact. Everyone and everything that experiences life, looses it.
What I did when I lost my mom was to start writing to her. I suppose that sounds silly but we had a relationship and then, suddenly, there was nothing. I was so lost and I knew self-pity would finish me off. I also knew my mom would have hated that. So, I poured my heart out on paper…sometimes weeping and sometimes furious…but I felt “connected.” After a while I did an even stranger thing and I started writing answers back from her. I knew they weren’t from her but I also knew what she would say to me, if she could and I found it comforting. That was my path to healing. It happened 60 years ago and I still do that every once in a while. It sooths me and gives me a sense of balance that nothing else can. I get that she’s “here” in my heart. It may work for you or it may not but if you can, give it a try. Blessings, Luise