I Don’t Hate Her “Ex”

Question: Dear Luise: My only daughter hates me because I don’t hate her ex-husband. C.

Answer: Dear C.: I can really relate to that because I still dearly love and am very close to my ex-daughter in law. If my son took exception to that, it would be terrible for all of us.

What’s so, of course, is that you can’t change how your daughter thinks. She wants you to buy into her experience and perceptions and be loyal to her. She has the ”my enemy is your enemy” attitude that often goes with getting stuck on being right. You both know there is no totally right and no totally wrong person in a marriage break up. There is only “we both tried.” True, some try harder than others…but it’s always a two-way street.

If your daughter is so adamant that she will sever her relationship with you if you refuse to hate her “ex” then you need to get it out into the open. You may decide to let her tell you who your friends can be or you may take a stand that will alienate her further. I, for one, can’t be dictated to…but it’s your call. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

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