Question: Dear Luise: I am a mother of 2 adult children, a son 30 who still lives at home and a daughter 26, who moved in with her boyfriend 5 months ago. I am a grandmother of 4 beautiful girls, and at this point I am not allowed to see any of them. My son has 3 daughters, with 3 different women and he doesn’t see them and has no communication with them at all. Other than the child support he sends them. I cannot understand why he allows things to be this way and it breaks my heart that I don’t get to see the girls. He has told me numerous times “to butt out of his life” and that his life shouldn’t affect mine. The situation with my daughter is that I do not approve and havnt for a while, of her life. She dives in head first into all of her relationships, this one she jumped into the same day she found out her other boyfriend cheated on her. This time because of our fighting over how she was putting her daughter’s needs aside, she moved out. And now, she is not allowing me any contact with my granddaughter. It breaks my heart that I was the primary caregiver for her from 3 months to 7 years and now our ties are severed completely. My daughter says she will not allow me to see her until I approve of her life and am happy for her. I don’t know that I can be a hypocrate to my religious beliefs and “pretend” to be happy for her. Pretend that I approve or condone her way of living. I know it’s her life and I have told her that I realize she’s going to do what she wants and live how she wants, all I want is a relationship with my granddaughter. I feel that my granddaughter is headed for a life of abuse,emotionally and mentally and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel badly for her, because on her visits before I was banned from her life, she would cry and tell me she wanted to come back “home”. I told her that I would always be here for her and that no matter what I love her and will always be her grandmother. But I am afraid that isn’t going to be enough. She too has told me to “butt out” when I have expressed concerns over the way her daughter cries and the things she says when she was here. I feel that I was made a grandmother by my children, and now for different reasons am not being allowed the pleasure of being one. Any suggestions? Y.
Answer: Dear Y.: Our adult children get to make their own choices and we have to abide by them. It’s terribly hard when we see damage being done.
Please come over to my Web-forum where you will find support and direction. It was established for women with issues with their adult children and extended families. You deserve so much better. Blessings,, Luise