Why Can’t I Manage Without Sex?

Question: Dear Luise: I have been in a sexless relationship for almost 9 years with an older man. He is 63 and I will be turning 40 on the 28th of March. I just recently became friendly with my ex-boyfriend I had in high school, and I’m now thinking about having sex with him. But my partner is very caring and will not harm me in any way and we don’t drink or do drugs. Just a happy couple. But can’t help what I am feeling for my ex-boyfriend because we are close in age just a year difference. I don’t know what to do and not the type to cheat on my partner. D.

Answer: Dear D. First of all Happy birthday!

Your situation isn’t happy, of course. There is no simple answer to wanting to stay and wanting to go. Most people have a hard time, eventually, when there is an appreciable difference in their ages. I know because my husband is sixteen years older than I am and I’m now his caregiver.

As hard as it may be to face up to this, you may need to tell your partner that what you have is no longer enough. Having an affair isn’t the answer. I get many letters from people who thought that was the way to go and then learned that it made everything worse.

It’s a sad situation but he is asking a lot of you and if you can’t continue after nine years, then that’s the truth of the matter. If it weren’t a former friend from your school days, it would be someone else. You are in personal need of sexual expression and that’s not a bad thing. Some people can live with that and some can’t.

It sounds to me like you are going to have to move out and pass on a wonderful relationship. I’m assuming that you have both worked at trying to resolve the issue or at least seeking some kind of compromise and have failed. If the cost is too high, there’s no other solution that I am aware of. Blessings, Luise

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