Question: Dear Luise: Today November 29th has been 1 year since my mother has passed. And I have cried every single day, sometimes it hurts so bad. I lived in Seattle and my mother lived in Maryland, and when i heard she was sick, i was trying really hard to get back to see her before she passed, but it did not work out for me to get home to see her, everyday life, work, and some illnesses i am dealing with my self just did not allow me. I feel so guilty about that, I was also trying to make a decision if i should leave my job to go home to take care of her. When i got the call she was gone my life has not been the same since. i am angry, i am mad with myself and sometimes God. please any advice will help. i just a total mess today. P.
Answer: Dear P.: You are saying your best wasn’t good enough, if I am hearing you correctly. You had all kinds of things to deal with and now you wish you had somehow transcended them all. Your mom was in touch with all of that and she stayed heart-connected to you. Distance didn’t matter.
You have a choice about how you want to hold this…and beating yourself up is a poor one from my point of view. Your mom loved you and she understood. The last thing she would ever have done would have been to lay a guilt trip on you and it wouldn’t make any sense to her if she knew you were doing that to yourself. Her life ended and yours was complex. She understood that…past tense…she understands that, now…present tense. All she wants for you from where she is now is peace of mind. When you go there in your heart and soul…you will find her. I believe that.
You may want to do what I did when my mom passed. I sat down and wrote to her because I couldn’t stand not to be in touch. Some letters were filled with rage, others grief. I was hopelessly lonely (even though we didn’t even live in the same state) and I went on and on about how much better a daughter I could have been. As time passed and the letters continued, they softened and I started to recount the good times and feel grateful. Finally, and if this didn’t sound nuts before, it will now, I started writing answers to me from her. I knew she wasn’t writing them…but I knew what she would say and so I wrote it. That was 57 years ago and I still write to her once in a while. It worked wonders for me. I have no idea if it will for you. We don’t know anything about death. Not first-hand. I just made up what worked for me without knowing what I was doing, really. I share it with you because it’s all I have to offer. Blessings, Luise