How Do I Leave

Question: Dear Luise: I have been with Dan for almost 9years. We started out as an affair but we both divorced about 6 years ago. He drives truck and is only home maybe five days a month. I am fed up with not know from day to day what is going on. Our relationship has always been difficult. I am ready to walk away but find it very hard to find the words or the strength. S.

Answer: Dear S.: My take is that there is no easy or comfortable way for most of us to turn a corner and leave another behind. We have to leave our hopes and dreams there, too…or our need to hide. Whatever brought us there served a purpose. There was a time you must have needed a five days a month partner…difficult or not.

My personal experience is that relationships are where we learn and grow. That doesn’t mean that we both necessarily learn the same things or grow in the same direction. Of course it’s hard to walk away…it is also hard to stay. If it is still working for your guy…that doesn’t mean you have to continue until he gets to where you are. That might never happen.

What it boils down to is your relationship with yourself. You have come to the place where to honor yourself; you have to take a stand. He will recover. There’s no crystal ball to tell him that he may look back one day and thank you, but it’s a possibility. You deserve better and you know it. That’s the fuel that will take you through the fear, pain and perhaps guilt of being honest. It’s called self-respect. Blessings, Luise


3 Responses to How Do I Leave

  1. M. February 23, 2013 at 12:58 pm #

    Luise has given you her very best answer. It’s just hard to take the first “step.” M.

  2. D. February 24, 2013 at 8:28 am #

    Could it be you question your guy’s absence in that he isn’t trustworthy given he cheated on his wife to get to you suggesting, there’s a pretty good chance he’ll repeat the behavior by cheating on his current wife to get to the former you again??? I’m not judgmental; as Louise pointed out our relationships teach us something. I learned, by experience, because I’ve been in your situation. Fortunately I didn’t need to repeat it to get the picture, my hope is the same for you. D.

  3. M. February 24, 2013 at 10:00 pm #


    My post is more for a thank you to you – vs a comment for the poster. Although, I will say I empathize with the party not knowing whether to leave the “5 day a month” relationship.
    I am at a cross-roads in my life – I have gone through tremendous change in the past 24 mths and past 12 months specifically. I have lost both parents and one of those losses was very sudden (the last one to pass).

    I am now – I believe – being forced to deal with some “relationships” which have never been overall warm and fuzzy, but I’m trying to make sure I don’t make a decision that is more of one to “get away” from these relationships, than it is to help me carry on with my life. I will have to figure that out, and make sure my decisions are for the right reasons. Staying put or relocating for career purposes each has their pluses and minuses. My point overall was to thank you for all your good advice. I sat down to try and figure things out and one thing led to another and to here. I do more and more believe – although I don’t know his exact power – that there is a god. It’s through picking up on signals and things that I believe he is giving us the guidance. we just need to know how to pick up the signals. Thanks, W

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