Question: Dear Luise: I think I want to leave my wife but I still love her. The problem is that I no longer trust her. I recently found out that she had been engaging in an inappropriate relationship via texting. Although I feel that she never did go beyond this level I still feel violated and trampled. After finding out she said it was over and she was dedicated to me and our family. I then found out again that she was still texting back and forth with him. We dealt with it again only for me to find out some devastating news. I looked at her phone and saw that during a night out with her girlfriends that she had attempted to meet up with the guy. She went so far as to call him Babe which is a nickname she uses for me. She was trying to meet up with him for a kiss. This effort failed but I am still left feeling as if she would have completed her objective if the opportunity had presented itself. I told her it was over but I do not have the heart to leave. We have four kids together and I still love her so much. I just cannot shake this lack of trust and it is tearing me up. I know she loves me and was just having some weak moments, but I am living in fear of it happening again and I also fear life with my family torn apart. What should I do to either deal with my fear or deal with the unknown that comes with separation? D.
Answer: Dear D.: Loving someone and being able to live with that person are often unrelated. You are being abused. If you stay, you will continue to be abused whether your wife loves you or not.
We all deal with the unknown all of the time. When we go to the grocery store we don’t know if someone will cross the centerline and we will never make it home again. There are no guarantees.
You may want to look into counseling to get some help in working though your obvious reluctance to love and protect yourself. That’s where the core problem lies. It’s not about her; it is about your inability to value your own well-being. Blessings, Luise