Question: Dear Luise: I am 35 yrs old and I’ve been passing through family losses for these past four consecutive years. The last loss was the most painful. My mum passed away five months ago. It was a sudden death. She was fine with no particular illnesses. One day my dad and I just found her lying dead in the yard while having a coffee. It was a shock which left us devastated and we still like living in a nightmare. To add my brother had his wedding planned for a fortnight after her death. Obviously the wedding had to carry on. I have never had friends but my mum was my only best friend and confident. I terribly miss her and sometimes, when I’m by myself i just burst into tears. I still live with my dad but we don’t have a good relationship between us so i don’t find him of much help. She was only 61 and we had so much plans for the future. I am engaged to be married and my mum was so eager to be a grandma. All these thoughts make me feel worse and worse. How can i cope without her? My fiancee’ is being so patient with me because most of the times i quarrel with him for nothing. I am missing her so much.Please help! N.
Answer: Dear N.: I am going to copy the answer I just wrote to someone else because it is all I have to offer. I hope it helps:
“That is so sad and yes, totally unfair. Sudden death keeps the person who leaves from pain and suffering but it is terribly hard on those left behind. I lost my eldest son that way when he was 52.
The way you feel right now is normal and there is nothing you can do that I know of but tough it out. After a while, you may want to do what I did when my own mom died. I wrote to her. I know that sounds dumb but I just had so much to say and being disconnected was too painful. I wrote her letters and told her how I felt…even if it was angry. And eventfully, and this will sound even more weird, I started writing myself letters back from her. I knew they weren’t from her, don’t get me wrong, but I knew her heart and I knew what she would say to me if she could. It really helped me. I have no way of knowing if it will help you or not. She has been gone now, for 58 years and once in awhile, I still do it when I want to talk something over with her.
I honestly don’t think love has any boundaries, time or space. It’s just love.” Blessings, Luise