Question: Dear Luise: How can a son discard his mom? Years ago I was married to a severely abusive man. Many hospital stays; surgery; Russian Roulette played with me when I was pregnant; guns shot at me; knives at my throat; etc etc. A horrible man is an understatement. He was friends with the cops, so need I say anymore about how he got by with so much? I had two sons with this man, I had to lay over them and take beatings that he meant for them. I could not work, I was on a 24/7 watch to protect my babies. The good news is that he gave them up, and when I remarried my husband adopted them. Although through the years he has tormented my family, even to the point of the FBI being involved because he was under watch for the death of his step son, that “supposedly” committed suicide. I have one son who ran to him as a teen, and as much as it broke my heart I forced myself to understand it was curiosity. However, the man turned on him too, called his cop friends to try to hurt my son. As the years passed, this man got a tight hold on my son. Took advantage of my sons compassion and even stayed in his home for a while. I saw a big difference in my son. At one point my son cussed me like I was a horrible person and went into a rage at me. I have made it very plain that I can’t handle this man in my family’s lives. My son just says “get over it”. I found that nothing I said helped the matter, so decided to just stop trying. My son added this man to his facebook no matter how it hurt me. As much as I hated it, I loved my son and communicated with him, but never addressing this man who left messages that were “in your face” statements. Perhaps wrong of me, but I added my sons wife’s mother as a friend, who is a controlling person, and who my son hates very much. I just wanted him to see how it feels, however on a small scale, but someone he didn’t like. My son not only blocked me, but had his entire family block me and will have no communication at all with me. I asked him how he could discard me so easily, and I could never do that to him. He said “good-bye”, and said I would suffer for this. I can’t understand his “double-standard” behaviour. I would appreciate any input on this matter. If I have to ‘get over it’ about a monster, how can my son throw me away? D.
Answer: Dear D. Yes, it was probably unwise to try to try to teach your son a lesson. He grew up in violence and instability with a lot of mixed emotions and confusion. He may be pretty fragile and unpredictable.
He has closed the door and there doesn’t have to be any wisdom behind his act. Don’t look for logic or fairness. That’s how it is. That’s what he chose to do when you showed him how it feels.
You have done your best against some very tough odds. That’s all you can give…your best. Move on without him. You don’t have any other choice that I can see even though you deserve better. Blessings, Luise