Question: Dear Luise: My live in boyfriend’s mother treats him like he is her husband. She has never married and doesn’t date. She basically chose to be alone. His father passed when he was seven and they were never together. He doesn’t communicate with me about things going on in his life but he communicates with his mother, which makes me frustrated. He doesn’t get his mail at our home but at his mother’s. He calls his mothers house his home, anything of his she says is “ours” (his and hers), she even thinks she is getting his car when he gets a new one (he is not financial secure right now). They have their bills together (like car insurance, he pays her cell phone), when he moved in with me he didn’t tell her right away and when she found out she cried. We have lived together for 7 months and most of his clothes are still at her house. He has to take her on job interviews, to every family event, to the doctor. He has said to me in the past him and his mother are one! Which I can’t even understand what about when he gets married he can’t be one with his mom and his wife! He recently had his 30th B-day. I was going to have a party, then I wasn’t and so on. Our relationship has been rocky for months and I was laid off. I decided no party. I told him he wasn’t having a party; that I thought if anyone should do it someone else should. After his b-day passed in a fight he said I was wrong for not having one. I said if anyone is wrong it’s your mother! Who you have helped for years pay her mortgage, basically you have done everything for her your entire life and you just had a 50th for her. He said no she is my mother! She can do no wrong because that’s his mother. I try to explain how I feel and that the way he treats her is the way he should treat his wife one day. He has her on this pedestal I believe a wife should one day be on. There is no room for a wife because your mother sits there. I am in my late 20’s I want to get married and have a family. He always says he wants to marry me and have kids with me. If he asked me to marry him I would say no; I don’t feel we are one. I feel he is one with his mother. I tell him my issues and he thinks I am jealous. I have been one with someone once before and I don’t feel like one now. Do you think there’s hope? He’s 30. Can he change? I don’t want to waste my time if he can’t. Like I said I am looking for my life partner and I just think he needs to cut the cord! I know I can’t make him do that, and I don’t know how to make him see how I feel. J.
Answer: I would “get the heck out of Dodge.” The guy has a mindset and he simply isn’t interested in your issues. You aren’t docile enough to play second fiddle. Good for you…but that’s the only way it would work. Blessings, Luise