He Is Terrified of Her Tantrums

Question: Dear Luise – My fiancé and I are having real issues with his mother.  She’s a classic Passive Aggressive, she’s very spiteful and manipulative, and tried to guilt her son into doing whatever she wants, even though most of the time it interferes with our plans, rules for our home, or boundaries we have set for our relationship through counseling.  He simply lays down and lets her walk all over him.  She blames all of the decisions we make together on me when they don’t suit her, and has even said downright nasty things about me to her son and others, but won’t tell me the same things.  I am so fed up with her manipulation and emotional blackmail that I no longer want her in our home or around me or my child, but my fiance can’t seem to stand up to her.  He’s terrified of her tantrums and that if he says anything to her she will blow up like she’s always done.  Can you offer any advice? F.

Answer: Dear F.: Well, you can’t give him backbone if he doesn’t have it. The woman has him cowed and that is so sad. My thought would be that you have to excise her from you life. She can’t be allowed to control it the way she does. I think she needs to know she has burned her bridges. Your husband has to back you up on that, though. No email exchange, no phone calls…let her know the door is closed and then stick to it, both of you. If she has a key…change the locks. Get a new cell phone and, if you have to… move…I would advise you to take your lives back. A counselor can help you set things up but if your guy caves, the plan is a bust. It’s an either/or, isn’t it?

In addition, I would suggest you come over to my Web-forum: www.WiseWomenUnite.com. It was designed to deal with problems like yours, i.e: people who are bent on the destruction of other people’s relationships. I think it would help for you to brainstorm with other DILS who have faced and are facing the same thing or something very similar. Blessings, Luise

One Response to He Is Terrified of Her Tantrums

  1. F. July 9, 2010 at 11:20 am #

    Dear Luise – Thank you so much for your advice. You’ll be happy to know that even before I read your advice, his mother once again pushed her way through our door. She screamed and cursed at him and she broke him down emotionally, again. But this time, he stood up for himself. He requested her outside to talk, and he set a clear boundary, up front, by telling her “if you curse, yell, scream, or disrespect me or my family in any way, I will ask you to leave.” Well, she rolled her eyes at him and went on about her normal lunacy, tearing him down with cursing and name-calling (she has lots of bad names for him). He stood up for himself! He told her he loved her very much, but he would no longer accept her verbal and emotional abuse in his life and he would no longer give her access to his family to hurt us too. He made her leave! Just when I had lost hope…
    Luise – I love reading your advice to others. You are very warm and accepting, but also understand that there are people whom no amount of advice can or will change. Thank you so much for your kindness. F.

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