Question: Dear Luise: I happened upon your site in hopes of answer. I’m 21 and frustrated. I entered into a relationship having sex for hours everyday. Then we moved to a new state and I was stressed all the time. Bills weren’t getting paid, so the stress from that knocked my sex drive down. Then we moved again and since we’re stable I want to be intimate with the man I love. (Yes I did explain all this to him.) The subject of sex is touchy for him, in ways that confuse me. I think of it as a special bond with him, this is something I can do with him that no one else can. I enjoy those intimate times with him. Now he gets mad because, and this is what he says, all I want is sex. Our relationship is always about sex. I love him, I really do. But I’m tired of arguing because, and this is another reason, he doesn’t want to have sex because all our friends are getting pregnant. I’m on birth control and have been ever since we’ve been together. I haven’t gotten pregnant. Granted the possibility is there but it hasn’t been and the way I see it is if the good lord wants me to get pregnant it WILL happen no matter what. He used to be the same way but now it’s almost as if he’s become a total prude, or if he’s disgusted with me. Please…help me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to approach the subject. I just want my relationship fix. Any advice will be welcomed. T.
Answer: Dear T.: You can sometimes change things about yourself but you can never fix another person. When there’s a problem in a relationship, it takes two to work through it in partnership or it’s all over. One person can’t do it.
There is no other way to approach the subject than to approach it, and you have tried that. My guess is that your guy has no idea himself what is wrong and is making up excuses that he thinks will get him off the hook. Blaming is the standard approach when doing that.
As a couple, you have had a lot of stress. Multiple moves can be very traumatic and so can financial issues. You lost interest for a while, which is understandable. In the meantime, your guy shifted his perceptions rather radically so that what he appreciated about you, your sexual enthusiasm, and what didn’t worry him, pregnancy, has been unilaterally restructured. No wonder you’re confused.
Wait a while to see if the situation is temporary. If it’s not, you may want to move on. Loving someone and being able to live that person can be two very different things. Blessings, Luise