Question: Hi, my name is Milly and I have been married for 10 years. Now I’m 27. I have two children from my marriage, an 8 year old and a 1 year old. My husband has been cheating from the beginning of our relationship. I took everything and forgave over and over again. Around two and a half years ago, we separated for about 5 months. I decided to fix the relationship and we got back together and I became pregnant with my second child. We moved and everything was fine until I started hearing phone messages for a woman. I confronted him with it. He assured me it’s nothing and that he would not talk to her again. Months went by, sometime she would call him…I’d let it go. About three months ago I threw him out the house because of those conversations with her and other things he was doing. I spoke to the other lady and she told me she has a 7 month-old daughter with him. My daughter and hers are 9 months apart. I try to talk to him but he shrugs me off and offends me with things he says. He acts like he doesn’t care about anything that he’s doing. I recently found out he is still trying to be with the other lady while telling me he loves me. When he was with this woman, he totally neglects me and tells her, he is going to make plans with her while with me. I imagine this man had issues or psychological problems, what do you think? Milly
Answer: Dear Milly: I think it sounds like you are getting really tired of the merry-go-round you have been riding on. What a rascal that guy is!
There are people, both men and women, who either choose not to grow up or simply can’t. Whatever the reason, it is very hard to try to interact with them as adults. High school guys might flit back and forth between “chicks” but we all expect more as the years go by. You’re not getting more…you’ve got a perpetual “kid” flopping around, telling lies and messing with people lives.
We all have issues and psychological problems. No one sails smoothly through life without trauma. However, when we continually act irresponsibly and hurt others, it is the job of the one who is being hurt to change things, if at all possible. Do you see that? He can’t or won’t. Stop trying the change him or imagining that he’s going to change…it’s a lost cause.
If your belief system insists that you stay until “death you do part”, seek a legal separation if you can. To me the death of a relationship is justification for parting but we all have a different take on that. One way or another, it’s time for you to establish a new life without him in it.
How you go about it also has to do with your support system. Do you have family near that can give you a hand? A pastor who can direct you? Or can you get some counseling? Some people just move on and face the music without much help. The point is that you deserve better and so do your kids and you are the only person who can so something about that. Blessings, Luise