Her Mother’s Driving Me Nuts

Question: Dear Luise: My girlfriend and I have a problem that seems to get worse around the holidays. Her mother basically is the problem. Two years ago she moved in with me and her mother called me to threaten my life. Literally the first words between us was “You are Dead.” During the same day she locked her daughter up and refused to let her leave. My girlfriend managed to get away and moved in with me that day. Since then we have repeatedly had words about little things. Recently her mother started in on me about how I was unfair and asked why I did not like her daughter being alone with her. This is not the case I have a small amount of fear she will repeat past actions, but I believe my girlfriend has the right to do what she wants. My girlfriend has forgiven her, but I feel her past actions dictate the need for care. The most recent event and why I am writing is simply that my girlfriend had to go to the hospital, and I was exhausted due to spending time finishing homework. Her mother came to get her and came in stating that “She did not want to hear me complain about being tired, so I could not come along if I would.” Then she walked out to the car while I grabbed my phone and drove off. I feel she is being unreasonable and I should not have to put up with this behavior (driving away while my girlfriend and I were planning on me going with her, threats, etc…), I do care about my girlfriend and she will end up moving back in with her mother if I was to ask her to leave. I acknowledge I am not happy with the mother, and this may be clouding my view, but I feel she is being absurdly unreasonable. During one of her more reasonable phases the mother was given a key to our place. I want to ask her to keep her mother away, basically only dealing with her on public neutral ground, and keeping our (my girlfriend and my) house separate from her mother so I have a private space to go to. I however do feel that telling her that her mother is not welcome here is going to create problems between us. What should I do? M.

Answer: Dear M.: I would create distance and let them work it out. They may not be able to, you know. Some mothers and daughters stay locked in combat permanently.

There’s no reason on earth for you to have to take what your girlfriend’s mother is dishing out…and has since day one. And being in the middle looks like a dangerous place to be…to me. Enough with the threats, intrusions, judgments, attitudes, attacks and endless crises.

I would suggest that you focus on getting your life back. Be pro-active regarding your own goals the way you were before this all started. Give your girlfriend her life back to do whatever works for her. What she’s doing at present, doesn’t work for you.

It is easy to fall in love. However, living with that person can prove to be something else altogether. When it’s right…it isn’t a continuous struggle. Blessings, Luise

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