Question: Dear Luise: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. It has been filled with ups n downs. He has cheated on me a few times in the relationship in the past…(when we had a fight or broke up for a few days) I have problems with him going out to the bars to have a drink 1-2 nights a week with his guy friends. He is not an alcoholic, as he’ll only have a couple drinks and rarely gets drunk. I still have trust issues though. He calls me controlling. I think that it is ridiculous for him to go out with his friends. They will sometimes go kayaking but most of the time they go out to the bars. Am I over-controlling or do I have the right to have trust issues and should he try to appease my insecurities if he loves me? Z.
Answer: Dear Z.: It sounds to me like you are not well matched. There are guys who really enjoy the company of their male friends on a regular basis and there are others that want to keep old friendships active just to make a declaration of independence. Whatever is going on, it works for your boyfriend and it doesn’t work for you.
It isn’t his job to appease your insecurities. Working through them is your job. And how he expresses his love for you is a reflection of his beliefs and conditioning. Your expectations reflect your beliefs and conditioning.
It is a “never-ending-story” for you to tell him how you think he should be and for him to tell you how he wishes you were. No one is right or wrong. You are different and you don’t agree. No one can make another person into his/her ideal. The person is who the person is. What you see is what you get.
He may need a girlfriend who is so wrapped up in her friends and hobbies that his absences are of no consequence to her…and you may need a guy who is more interested in staying at home and enjoying your company. Blessings, Luise