Question: Dear Luise: I am contemplating giving my ex-husband another chance. We have been divorced for about 19 years. I have been in contact with him over the years and he is now within the state that i live. We have two grown children 30 and 25 and a infant grandaughter. The other problem is: I have been with another boyfriend for 17years. I moved out two years ago after trying so hard to keep our relationship together. We had alot of fun at first up till around the 14 year. He always seemed to want to stay out with his friends. I used to ask him to do things with me and he always seemed not to want to so I just gave up. I have been doing things by myself for years. He is not close to my children at all. My ex and i have alot in common and it seems that our lives are very intertwined. We go divorced because, I believe we were young and I wanted more freedom. I was always home and never left the house. I am in school now full-time, for a nursing career. The problem is I have gone back to visit my boyfriend that I left two years ago. I live with my daughter, who I love but sometimes I just need space. i still pay the electric there and cable. I think I just go back for the apartment,( I found the last time I left him). We are not intimate at all. He’s unable to be. I am not judging at all, but we seem to have nothing left. On his defence, my ex-boyfriend, he has been soooo supportive of my schooling and he is really nice but…. I am sorry this is so long it is complicated. Thanks for any help. Love C.
Answer: Dear C.: I have found that going back is seldom the answer when it comes to relationships. Both guys have become good friends and that’s great but you have a history of dysfunction with each of them. On the other hand, it sounds like what you are describing is immaturity and we can grow out of that………(some of us.)
I would suggest that you put your focus and major effort on finishing your training and getting established in the medical profession. Staying with your ex-boyfriend instead of your daughter to be able to have “space” and to be able to live in an apartment that you remember and like, sounds like you may be using him. You need to move on. His supportiveness may mean that he is hoping for more…if not intimacy, coexistence. It’s over, there is no longer the deep bond that intimacy provides and he isn’t interested in your adult children and grandchild.
Look to see what you and your children’s father have to build a future on besides the past. For most of us, “going out” gets to be old and creating more depth and integrity within becomes the direction we are often drawn to explore. Blessings, Luise