Question: Dear Luise: My now husband cheated on me when we were dating with his Ex girlfriend. ( I found this out on our first vacation) he cried and swore he was sorry. He had never cheated on anyone (other than me apparently) I agreed to try to work it out and then our lives became a whirl wind …. we got engaged, then married, and had a child. I had twoo children from a previous marriage that he is amazing with……however, I still feel so insecure. I found out then that he is a very persuasive lair. I worry that is what I have fallen for. He still gets very defensive if I ever bring it up saying that I have to get over it if we are ever going to work. In many ways I know he is right. I love him very much, but I am still so hurt. I can’t seem to get over it. I know we were “just dating” when it happened two years ago and it still feels like yesterday. I just don’t know if I can trust him. Or if I ever can. Help, A.
Answer: Dear A.: You have set out to destroy your marriage and it looks like you are going to succeed. The issue isn’t about your husband; it’s about you and your refusal to see him as a human being. You can’t be trusted to be compassionate. Can you consider that?
He made a serious mistake telling you about what he did (which I am not defending) because he thought you would understand. Now, no matter how many wonderful things are attributable to him, you insist on focusing on his imperfection. What we focus on expands. Did you know that? Can you see that makes sense?
You say he is an accomplished liar. You picked him. And you are an accomplished grudge holder. If you want a mate that is above reproach you have to be above reproach, too, and you aren’t. Can he change and become less manipulative? Who knows? That is entirely up to him. Can you change and grow up to the point that you can focus on what is positive in your life? That’s the question to address because you can do something about that. Do you want to teach your children to expect more of others than they can offer and less of themselves than they are capable of? You are their role model, remember.
Work on yourself and you will find that life will “work out.” Your guy deserves some peace and so do you. Blessings, Luise