Question: Dear Luise, I am glad to find your site and see their are other sons who blame their mothers for everything. My 42yr old son is no exception. His father is southern Italian and we were married for 30yrs before I got very ill from his treatment of me and finally walked out. My son married not long after and both of us parents attended. Oh, my son, is the second eldest of four children. He married a girl with almost the same name and birthday as myself. The marriege lasted 2 yrs and he had a breakdown when it finished. I rarely saw them during this marriage as I was busy trying to get my life back together and form a career in nursing. He used to tell everyone I made an idol of my studies? After years of not working he finally picked is life up again and got a business.This went bust after 4 years and he came to visit me where I had moved to another state. The visit prolonged to years and he tried to run my life. I worked, and after a few work attempts he gave up and sank into depression again. After three years of him I sold my home to make him move. He got into another relationship with another woman named, with almost my name again. While this lasted, with him living with her, I hardly saw him again. Once it finished I was the blame once more. He has gone through another woman since then and again blames me? I am fed up. I married again and he moved in with us, he comes for a visit and made my husband feel sorry for him. I worked out a job for him and pushed him to take it after he kept saying he couldn’t find work. He is currently still in this job 12 hours away from where we live. He sends me constant phone messages telling me I am to blame for this or that. His last message which I almost cancelled without reading commenced. “If you ever want to see me again you had better be accountable and…” This was in regard to the last woman, I didn’t read the rest as it turns my stomach. I have become a diabetic and have thyroid problems which I believe are not helped by all this stress.. I feel like reporting him to the police yet don’t want him to loose his job and end up outside my house sleeping in his car again, as he has done in the past.. Your wisdom is needed. God bless. C.
Answer: Dear C.: Sometimes we have to divorce our children. It sounds like your son needs to face the consequences of his poor choices. You are not to blame, he is.
His recurring dependency on you may be undermining his self-worth. That’s for him to figure out and fix. You raised him and gave him your best. The rest is up to him and you may have to tell him that. Blaming you isn’t solving his problems and he isn’t fooling anybody. Not even himself.
You are no longer his “mommy”, nor are you his whipping post. Blessings, Luise