Question: Dear Luise: i have two boys, 10 and 8 i separated from their father because i cheated on him and the guy was married. i am sorry it happens 🙁 now i am still in relationship with the married man. difference is he is living with me and has been separated from his wife almost two years. i am not happy i am sad and depressed. i spoke about my life to my friends and yes they helped to listen. i cannot seem to find a right anwser…the boys live with the father for almost 18 months and have been told that i am the one who broke up the marriage. at the start when the affair came out my boyfriend got beaten up in front of the boys. until today the father is not sorry for the violence. i love my boyfriend and i know despite that he tells me many times that he loves me i dont believe him. we have our moments. he is at the point that he is about to give up and i can sense that. i dont want to loose him 🙁 the last weeks the boys live with me for a week and live with the father for a week. they hate it here in my house and there are lots of tension all bad and cause my relationship to almost end. my boys are very disrespectful, rude and ignorance. the oldest yells at me and ‘challenges’ me all the time. in his eyes i can see how he wants to hit me. he is 10 🙁 i don’t want to loose him as a child. i don’t know what to do…A..
Answer: Dear A.: Your son’s have, with a lot of help from their dad, made up their minds as well as can be expected for their ages. The oldest is probably the most aware and so he is the biggest challenge.
My take on all of it is that you can’t let them be disrespectful. It is teaching them that it’s OK. If they are going to be with you, they have to obey the rules or they can’t come. If that creates their living without you, then that’s part of the whole thing.
You have made some choices…(we are always at choice)…that you are finding hard to live with. You can make other choices. If you feel you can rebuild your relationship and your guy wants to, then do the best you can…if not, you will soon be facing going on alone.
Your life isn’t over. You are young from where I am, which is 85 years old. I’ve had lots of things in my past that looked like impossible walls to climb. I got into some pretty awful messes and had to work my way through them. Most of us do. We all deserve to be happy and you are no exception. Don’t give up on yourself. Be your own best friend. That’s what I have done. It’s a mistake to expect others to fix what we created. Blessings, Luise