My Son Hates Me

Question: Dear Luise: My son is grown, married and has grown children of his own. Yet he seems obsessed with what a bad mother I was. He tells his wife and kids stories of how I upstaged him at his birthday parties, and gave unsolicited advice. He constantly reminds me of phrases I repeat and is always ready to think the worst of me. He tried to poison his brother against me but hasn’t succeeded. I love him dearly and always have. He was a planned for child and a great little kid. I just can’t understand why he can’t let me live in the land of humans, forgive me my trespasses and get on with his life. Will this ever end? Betsy

Answer: Dear Betsy: How incredibly painful to be reminded of every failure without any references and thanks for every success. Parenting, for the most part, is a combination of the two.

You ask when this will ever end…for whom? It may never end for him if he’s really become attached to making you the evil force that was ever-present in his childhood. It can end for you when you’ve had enough. Put him on notice that you are not going to listen to any more of his pitiful, attention getting childishness.

Your son is an adult. His job is to keep what he liked from his upbringing and change the rest. He’s responsible for remaking himself, honing off the rough edges and standing tall without whimpering. If he doesn’t choose to do that, know that you did your part and let it go.

You are not his punching bag and you are not the root of all evil. You did your best and that’s all anyone can expect. There are people out there who were not welcomed into a family the way your son was. There are those who never knew a mom…perfect or otherwise. There are moms who never should have taken on the job and who were really abusive. I’d be willing to put my money on the fact that you’re not one of them.

Make it very clear that you will leave his presence any time he starts in on you. Let him know that you’ve heard all the bad stuff, and he now needs to devote equal time to relating every caring and wonderful thing you ever did. His only other option is silence. Stand by your guns. Blessings, Luise

286 Responses to My Son Hates Me

  1. Clarice Comer November 29, 2006 at 5:32 pm #

    I feel for you because I have the same thing. My son’s father left us when he was 18 months old, he never came back, didn’t care if we lived or died. He’s now 41 and the hell he has taken me through is unbearable. He was the love of my life. There is not enough paper in the world for me to write on as to how bad he has been to me. I loved him more than anyone could possible imagine. He later met his father and has had some relationship with him, very little because there are too many step sisters and step brothers who seem far more import but my son has treated me so bad no one will ever know. It breaks my heart. He now has a two year old little boy and the woman he had him by did never marry my son. They are both so sick and I see they are going to destroy this precious baby. Now my son has cut me off from this precious baby. His girl friend already. She has a 14 and 17 year old. This is so screwed up. I love this baby and neither one of them want my husband I me, to be with him. Particularly, me, it’s always me when it comes to anyone hating. I have been so good to these two no one can believe it. Bought everything on earth they could have wanted. I’m miserable. I can’t believe this is how it’s supposed to be when you love your child.

  2. Luise December 3, 2006 at 4:43 pm #

    Answer: Dear Clarice: It certainly isn’t the way things are supposed to turn out. It’s terribly hard to accept and it looks like changing it isn’t in the cards, either. Once your son became an adult and had his own family, it’s not your family unless they decide to include you…no matter what you buy for them. He and his wife have made their choice painfully clear and you have no grounds to interfere unless you can prove overt abuse in court. It’s more than cruel, it’s heartbreaking. Blessings, Luise

  3. Elaine December 9, 2006 at 3:09 am #

    Hi Betsy. I hope it goes someway to comforting you to tell you that I know how this feels. I was dragged up in a horrendous and abusive family so wanted to do it all so differently with my son. I brought him up alone but gave him so much love and time. It didn’t work for me. He’s 26 now and seems to want to sabotage any progress i make (I’m suffering with anxiety and depression). He seems to enjoy hurting me and it tears me apart. I know now that I don’t have to listen to this anymore or put up with it. However hard it is, we have to accept life doesn’t always give us what we want – I am working on keeping him separate from my life because I really can’t take his cruelty on top of everything else. I wish you much luck and happiness. Elaine

  4. Luise December 9, 2006 at 1:16 pm #

    Beautiful, Elaine! Thank you! Blessings, Luise

  5. Shahrazad Ali January 15, 2007 at 1:15 pm #

    I have spent over 15 years trying to figure out why my son (now 36) hates me. I have went so far as to ask my 2 other children, childhood neighbors and other relatives if they know of anything that happened to my son that would cause him to hate me like he does. He feels entitled and that I owe him a living, he damns me to anyone who will listen, he curses me, keeps me from seeing my granddaughter, and is (I have heard) addicted to porn and sex. He cannot keep a job, and although he is not on drugs, he is irrational in his thinking, has literally ruined relationships with over 15 good women that I know of, and is ungrateful. Over the years I have on occasion, when asked, tried to help him out financially, and he seems to hate me more after that. I have asked him why does he put all of his failures in life at my feet and he has multiple exaggerated reasons. He had a good father who died from a sudden heart attach when he was 15 and I don’t think he has ever come to grips with that either. He had little or no relationship with 2 of his children until they were about 10 and 11 years old. He says I never change, that I am outdated and don’t know whats happening in the real world. While, he who is perpetually homeless (living with various girlfriends until he ruins the relationship), and then takes his anger out on me. I will never understand his sometimes almost psychotic ramblings and behavior. I plan to move to another city and puruse visitation with my grandchildren through the courts. I have found out that his condition is very common regarding men and their mothers.

  6. Luise January 17, 2007 at 5:15 pm #

    Answer: Dear S.A.: What a sad story. I have heard many like that but I have no idea what it’s all about. In my own life, I raised two sons. One is sure I am the worst mother in the world and the other is positive I am the best mother in the world. I don’t think I am either. I just did the best I could, like you. I think sometimes that kids are born with some issues that have little or nothing to do with us. If that sounds like a cop-out, so be it. I still think so. Blessings, Luise

  7. lisa May 1, 2007 at 4:36 pm #

    having to raise kids as a single parent has been the biggest challenge in my life. personally I think we need a support group. married couples have each other. but when your alone, well we all needs someone to talk with, tell us were doing ok from time to time. nobody has all the answers, if we did it would be a perfect world.

  8. Luise May 1, 2007 at 4:49 pm #

    Answer: Dear Lisa: There are such groups in some places. I know of one that is called: “Parents Without Partners”. You’re right, support can be a wonderful and very valuable thing out there in the uncharted waters of single parenting. Blessings, Luise

  9. Inge May 2, 2007 at 8:38 pm #

    I thought I was alone and have carried this pain with me for years. I was 20 when I had my son and was in an emotionally abusive relationship with his father, who was wealthy. He had the financial resources to raise my son, while I worked minimum wage jobs-so he lived with my husband and stayed with me for the summers. My ex-husband said terrible things about me and rewarded my son with money and expensive toys when he berated me. My son is now and adult and has made the decision to not have a relationship with me or talk with me.

  10. Luise May 3, 2007 at 8:39 am #

    Answer: Dear Inge: How sad that it has turned out the way it has. Please know that it may still not be over. An “adult” is not necessarily a fully mature person and your son may become wiser with the years and come back to you. One thing he can’t take away, you chose to give him life and beyond that you chose to unselfishly give him what you felt to be the best.
    Blessings, Luise

  11. Inge May 13, 2007 at 8:16 pm #

    Thank you, Luise.
    Your insight eased a little bit of the pain this mother’s day.

  12. RENA PYLANT July 2, 2007 at 11:35 am #



  13. Luise July 8, 2007 at 8:17 am #

    Answer: Dear Rena: I honestly feel that when we see such a difference in how our children choose to react to us, we need to let up on ourselves regarding taking the blame. It often looks to me like kids come in with their own agendas and we don’t have as much influence as we had thought. You son’s negative behavior says a great deal more about him than it does about you. How lovely that you have another son to relate to in a positive way. Blessings, Luise

  14. Sheryl September 2, 2007 at 7:42 pm #

    I am dying inside and have been for quite sometime. I have two grown sons. One hates me so much and the other is indifferent, and I think, if he decides to like me his brother won’t be his friend. Neither one has remembered me on Mother’s Day, birthday or Christmas and my son and his wife didn’t want me to come to my own family’s Thanksgiving.

    My heart is so broken and I’m and living in hell.


  15. Luise September 3, 2007 at 9:31 am #

    Answer: Dear Sheryl: Your story, including the specific details that I didn’t include, is one of survival and strength. You are living your life with dignity and you know the truth about yourself in your heart. Blessings, Luise

  16. Luise October 11, 2007 at 8:23 am #

    Answer: Dear Sondra: Your son seems to be controlling the situation. When that happens, any move on your part will probably been seen as a military tactic and initiate another battle. The only thing I know of to counteract it is prayer. I have seen prayer turn around the most hopeless situations…and it offers deep comfort. Blessings, Luise

  17. 0Rebecca King October 31, 2007 at 6:29 pm #

    I thought I was the only hated Mom, I struggle with the pain everday for the last 14 years, my son, now 34, hates my guts and he even emailed me a nasty letter telling me I was the worst Mom on earth, that he hated and could not love because of me, i never corrected him or knew whether or not he went to school, I raised 3 sons on my own, very diffucult, but I was proud of me for keeping it all together. sometimes we had no food we moved lots no birthday or christmas presents it was all i could do to pay rent food and utilities, my mom and sister lived in the same town both are very well to do, they would ride by me on my way walking to work in the rain and never stop. i loved my boys more than life, they had everything tv’s sets game systems in their rooms and i sat and talked and listned. now my son lives with my sister, the one who would not help us even when we were evicted in the dead of winter, she is rich and he loves material things, now they make fun of me and laugh.i have pleaded with God over and over how can this be happening to me, I loved you praised you kissed the ground you walked on. I just wrote to my son saying, no, i am not perfect, but God knows I did the best I could and said maybe you will forgive me someday, NO response. My mom calls they all live in the same place and makes sure on Mother’s Day she lets me know my son takes my sister to expensive places to eat. That hurts. My own Mom never loved me, i felt so ugly growing up, she hated my guts, i was fat ugly, my other sisters were prom queens so that pleased her, my mom is total materialistic, she can’t love, anyway i know what pain is. i feel like i am dieing inside each day. i hope someday my son will think, but i have long given up.

  18. Luise October 31, 2007 at 6:57 pm #

    Well, it seem that for some of us it is open season on moms. I have no idea why except we all start out seeing our moms as bigger than life and then as we grow, sometimes they seem to shrink. We see them as omnipotent and then we find feet of clay. As I’ve said before, I had two sons, (one passed on at age 52.) One of them held me personally responsible for every problem he ever had. I can’t say he hated me because we both did out best to stay connected. The other son gives me far too much credit most of the time. Go figure!

  19. Laura November 5, 2007 at 4:37 am #

    I cant believe I found this site. So relieved to find mothers who are experiencing the same horrible situation that I am. Me? Same scenario.. raised two sons alone. Divorced their father when they were 5 and 9. I loved my sons more than anything on this earth. Made every sacrifice ( Gladly) Yes, I made some mistakes ( we all do) and have admitted it, and apologized for it, over and over again. I am so destroyed by what is going on, that I barely have the strength to write. My oldest son just turned 27.
    He has decided that he does not want me in his life. He is in therapy and he fabricates.. totally fabricates stories about his upbringing. He claims that he was physically abused, by me and called names. He told the therapist that when I was supposedly out working a night job, I really eas sleeping with men. Tells anyone who will listen, that I hate my beautiful grand daughter. He has also tried over and over again to turn his 23 year old brother against me. I am so stunned by this out come that I get up every day wondering why I bother to continue living. We live in a tiny country town. I sit in a small apartment alone. No visits, no holiday dinners, or happy times. Which is all I ever wanted, as a return for all the commitment, and all the hard times. Some years to enjoy the company of the boys as men. The dad was and is a horrific alcoholic who didnt pay child support, and totally ignored the boys when they were young. This son travels to see him, and has him down here as a guest. I do not attempt any contact with my son. If you really love someone, you try to give them what they want, and I would never push myself down anyones throat. There is so much more to tell, but you get the picture. One last thing, is that he tells these things to other people. Family, friends, business acquaintances of mine. I walk through the town, and want to hang my head, in shame for things I didnt do. What IS there to do about a situation like this? It is probably the most horrible thing I have ever experienced in my life. I will be honest and say this…. As much as I love this child, his cruelty has brought me to the point where I ask myself ” Is this someone that I want to know?” My only hope is that I pray to God that he will miraculously wake up one day, see the light, come to see me, and explain and apologize. But I guess I could wait forever……………………

  20. Luise November 5, 2007 at 10:47 am #

    Answer: Dear Laura: I read such compassion in your comment…for your eldest son, for yourself and for all of us. I wonder sometimes, honestly, if some kids don’t just arrive with their fists up, ready for a fight. It would be the worst kind of cosmic joke if it had nothing to do with us at all. Love him from a distance and know that you don’t have to like him. We are lucky, you and I, to have nother sons, as well. Enjoy your younger son and you life and, when you can, pass on the “whys”. Blessings, Luise

  21. Toni November 10, 2007 at 1:14 pm #

    Like Laura, I, too, cannot believe I found this site.I am a mother of 4 children and now sit here and wonder if I should have never been a mother at all. My husband and I split up 18 months ago and the 2 youngest (boys, 15 and 19 at the time) went to live with him since I was unable to financially afford to raise them. Yesterday, the 19 year old who is now 21, informed me as to how he and his siblings really feel about me. To say that I was stunned is an understatement. We all had our difficulties in our relationships, but I thought that if you loved someone you forgave them for their faults. My ex husband was held up as the standard bearer of wonderful while I was thought of as controlling, abusive and horrible. My ex was never home and I was left alone to raise 4 kids. When he was home, he was the “good time” dad. I was put into the role of disciplinarian and authority figure. My ex was the “friend”. My son informed me that they all get together at my ex’s and they hide that fact so that I’m not aware of the get-togethers. He almost seemed satisfied in letting me know that they sit and compare “war” stories of growing up. My husband was unable to keep a job for long, we were always in debt and in one period of time; on welfare.(a fact that I’m deeply ashamed of) We eventually lost our home which precipitated the split. My husband and I are both college educated and I can’t believe that my life came to this type of existence. I tried so hard to shield my children from their father’s inadequacies as a provider, I spent money when I shouldn’t have on clothes and toys so that they wouldn’t have been singled out at school and mocked and yet no credit is ever given to me for the good that I did do. I was always there for them. Always worked jobs that involved night hours, so that I could be home with them. Always involved with them with sports and activities. My God, I was a Girl Scout leader for 7 years and homeroom mother for all 4 kids in their classrooms. After the split, depression followed and my doctor placed me on Prozac. The pain that I am in is too much to bear. I am thankful that I have found this site so that I know that I am not alone. I am willing to reach out to anyone who is willing so that maybe we can help each other.

  22. Tami November 19, 2007 at 11:10 am #

    I am so grateful for this site. My stomach is still turning from the things my son said to me yesterday. Ok- I was the WORST mother, according to him. So why do you keep coming around to tell me that?
    I had to kick him out for throwing a chair. He is one of twins, age 21, and says that I had no reason to do that. So, the guilt gnaws at me. I have so much support but not from mothers who are getting this kind of treatment. Many people have been through it but not right now, at the holidays. He told me my whole family hates me and they don’t want me at Christmas, which is nonsense. Why does he need to blame me for everything, NEVER do I hear ONE good thing and I raised them alone, no child support and their father died last year from drug and alcohol abuse. I am so sick of this. HELP!

  23. Luise November 21, 2007 at 7:27 am #

    Answer: Dear Tami: Healing often has to do with getting that we need to move on without knowing where other people are coming from and without being able to influence them. Adult children can and do make their own choices but abuse is never an option for the person being abused. You can’t change your son or his illusions. Blaming you lets him off the hook. But you can love and respect yourself, see yourself as human and therefore not perfect and turn toward those who simply make more sense to you. Blessings, Luise

  24. mary November 30, 2007 at 11:19 am #

    I am having difficulting with my 14 year old and have come to the conclusion that I am the one who sends him into rages and hateful comments. There’s something about me that brings out the worst in him. Like you all, I’ve loved this child and been through with this child a lot of difficult things with a genetic disorder and also Aspergers. And it’s me who most of all irritates him. Many people have said that it’s the parent they most love (and know that parent loves them unconditionally) that they trust to treat the worst — to release all of their anger on. As I read your letters, we’re going through a lot of counseling and my son’s just left a hospital stay. I realize that my son may never choose to forgive me my shortcomings or want to have a good relationship with me. If that happens, I’m going to promise myself today that I will not spend holidays, etc., alone. There are plenty of children who would benefit from the love we have to give who don’t have anyone. If you’re able, I would lovingly suggest to all of you great moms out there, to visit your local children’s home or residential treatment center or whatever is in your area, and give those children the love your child is rejecting. They need it and will appreciate it, and I think you will feel appreciated and like you have a wonderful purpose in life. God bless you all!

  25. Luise November 30, 2007 at 11:47 am #

    Answer: Dear Mary: Thank you so much from all of us! Blessings, Luise

  26. Deborah December 1, 2007 at 10:19 pm #

    I can’t believe that I found this site. Like so many of you, I’ve felt completely alone in my sorrow for years and my heart reaches back to each of you. I’m so sorry for those of you who know this pain that only a mother’s heart can feel. I haven’t seen my son for almost 10 years and the pain has become unbearable. I’ve searched my heart to the point that it’s raw and torn apart. Was my son’s childhood as horrible as he says it was? I did make mistakes which I’ve admitted and have asked his forgiveness time and again. Although his childhood was far from perfect, I know in the very depths of me that it wasn’t as horrible as he says it was. I have asked if he could be more specific about what I did that’s so unforgivable. He can give me no answers. My son and I shared a close bond when he was growing up. I loved him and always gave my best to him born of that love. I began to struggle with depression in my late 20s and I know this was difficult for him, but I was diligent with my therapy and healing. I also made sure that he saw a therapist because I was so worried about how my depression may affect him. I was assured time and again by his therapist and church councelor that he was fine. Showed no symptoms of depression, was secure, happy and well adjusted. He did very well in school and is now happily married and has excelled in his dream profession. While he was growing up, I remained active in church, his small private school, and in life! I was highly functional. (Unlike now, as I’m disabled and barely surviving.) I took my role as a Christian mother seriously and worked so hard to create a home filled with love, comfort and peace. I miss my son and I’ll never understand why my daughter-in-law abhors me. I loved, gave and was always there for both of them. (Only my daughter and I went to their wedding. They had no support, financial or otherwise from the “bride’s family”.) I happily helped them with financial obligations, made their wedding cake, etc., as both of the kids worked and saved for their special day. I was given the honor of helping my daughter-in-law into her lovely wedding dress. She asked me to be there for her. I never interfered in their relationship when they were dating or after they married and moved far away, yet I’m now treated almost like a criminal by both of them. Things were truely wonderful during this transition of “losing a son, gaining a daughter” phase of life. My deepest pain now is knowing that my precious daughter has suffered throughout her childhood as my health, both mental and physical, has declined. I’m recently diagnosed with early onset dementia. My son’s childhood was heaven compared to my daughter’s, and her heart aches for her missing brother. There have been many deaths in the family, those closest to my daughter and I, so this needed extension of love and support doesn’t exist for her. She will turn 17 tomorrow and so much is missing in her life. Though distant and often unkind, my son and daughter-in-law always remembered her birthday. Not a single word or even a card from them this year. She received only one birthday card from a very distant relative. Am I a terrible person to wish that family could have helped with my daughter and shown her love in times of need? Maybe ice cream or a movie? A trip to the mall even if just to window shop? A few days of summer vacation with her 30 year old brother? I feel pain and admittedly anger at the same time. I love my daughter more than life itself and my heart crys out to God for her every waking moment. Dear God hold her so near. God help the heart of every mother. Life hurts those with the softest of hearts. My love to you all, Deborah

  27. Luise December 1, 2007 at 10:50 pm #

    To All: This is so confusing to me sometimes. I have also seen kids who were really neglected and abused who thought their moms were just great. When adult children create an “open season on moms”, I see it as cruel. Even total strangers are often treated with more respect. There are no ready answers that I know of except for us to support each other and care. Blessings, Luise

  28. christina December 21, 2007 at 6:00 pm #

    I am so thankful that I found this site. The last six months have been a nightmare with my son. He left the house at age 16 because he didnt like where we moved to. He is now living in a flat of his choosing. He absolutely hates me and I keep getting horrible texting of him. I cry constantly. I feel as if I am the worst mother ever. I have gotten to the point where I do love him but want nothing more to do with him. What can I do? Nothing. It’sa no win situation. I’m at my wits end with him. Any suggestions? C.

  29. Luise December 22, 2007 at 5:39 pm #

    Answer: Dear C.: You do not have to suffer this abuse. No one has ever had a perfect mother…your son included. However, it is time to stop this. Get a new cell phone number. He may think everything he says about you is about you but it isn’t. A great deal of it is about him…his choices and his need to blame someone else for them. Love him in your heart but for your own peace of mind and health, turn away from what he is dishing out. He is grown and independent. You did your job. Now, retire from it. If he ever comes to his senses, that’s a whole different story. Right? Blessings, Luise

  30. maddiemae January 1, 2008 at 8:06 pm #

    As most of you, I feel very much the same. It seems that most if not many of us were single parents. I know that I did not come from a loving family and began college and my own life with extremely low self esteem. I have four children from three fathers. I chose to leave these men due to circumstances I felt were not right for myself or children. I always walked for their sake while I could have stayed, kissed a**, and been taken care of. I moved back to my birth state hoping that my family had healed and grown up, however it was the largest mistake of my life. I have struggled and always put my children first financially, emotionally, and literally as many here, made them my life. Upon moving back “home”, I immediately gained 35lbs began to experience panick attacks and depression. I was always thin, attractive, athletic, and self assured otr West. My son seemed to instantly draw from my families disrespect for myself and “other” divorced siblings. He began to disrespect not only myself but became extremely cruel to his siblings (female) as well. This past summer he moved back out West where I had raised my children and in with his older sister who he had nothing but disgust with for years. Now she is Miss Wonderful as is his father who had nothing to do with them for over ten years as I raised him alone. His father is an alcoholic, and has slept around for years and continues to do so. I’m in the middle of law school, quit a 60k job to return to school three years ago. I’m visiting right now for the holidays and he has been told by all his sisters to leave me alone and quit disrespecting me. However, it continues as usual. My older brother molested me as a young child, physically and emotionally abused me my entire life. I’m beginning to feel the same pain from my son that I felt for years from my brother. I was always strong enough to walk away from abusive men for the sake of my children and self. However, this is a pain that I cannot describe. I’m always worried that one of us will die before we make peace with whatever is bothering him. Help please. Why can I be a brilliant law student but such a terrible mother. As most of you, I struggled to raise these children with unconditional love and support. My children are all incredible well respected by their peers and teachers. However, they disrespect me.

  31. Luise January 1, 2008 at 9:15 pm #

    Answer: Dear M.: Oh, if I only knew! Family dynamics can be a bear and most of us enter into adulthood and motherhood without a clue. We learn as we grown and grow as we learn. The problem is none of us can do it perfectly and our kids can be pretty put out about that. Your best bet is to give your son room and hope he too will learn and grow. If that happens he may be able to eventually see what you did right, instead of focusing on where you didn’t measure up. He has, like all kids, a rude awakening coming when he finds out he isn’t perfect, either. Blessings, Luise

  32. jill January 7, 2008 at 7:56 pm #

    I am also grateful I found this site. To imagine all I had to do was type in ” My son Hates me”
    My tragedy happened this recent Christmas. I had cooked a big meal, had all the relatives over. It was a lovely evening, until something triggered a memory in my son- who is 26. And he admitted that because of me he had always felt like he couldn’t breath as a child. This was completely new to me- I had never heard of this before. I told him we needed to talk about this, but he took his 2 beautiful babies and young wife, and they all packed up and left. This put me in such despair. I seem to cry everyday now. Again this has a familiar theme to it, as the other mothers writing in. I raised my son alone, I have no other children. We were always very close. I regret the daycares, I regret the few relationships with men that I had, that he was exposed to. I always tried to give him a good home, healthy food, the clothes he needed. Now, he doesn’t talk to me, won’t return my calls or letters. I pray to surround him with love, because that is all I have ever done – is love him. Thank you mothers who have shared your pain. I never thought I would be in this situation. I hope to find a support group in my area. With Love Jill

  33. Theresa February 4, 2008 at 5:54 pm #

    I too am in the same boat. I have called my son for two years and he doesn’t call me back. I write to him, tell him I love him unconditionally and he still does not want to have anything to do with me. I tried to do the best I could but nothing works. He is always angry, blames me for everything that happens to him and is very abusive. He has a sister and a niece and he doesn’t even bother with them. I sit here in pain and pray that some day the Lord will bring him back to me. As for now I take one day at a time and try to lead a Christian life and be the best person I can be. As for all of us, we can’t go back and change the past, we can only live for today. God Bless all of you.

  34. Luise February 4, 2008 at 6:10 pm #

    Thank you. When this happened to me, I thought I was the only person in the world who had somehow messed up what mattered to me most. We all know that there are moms out there who didn’t try half as hard as we did and who are revered and respected by their sons. I gave up trying to understand it years ago. You are right, we can’t go back. And I don’t honestly know what I would do differently. Blessings, Luise

  35. Carolyn February 15, 2008 at 9:16 am #

    Wow!…I can’t believe other women have the same story as me. I love my son so much and he hates me. He is 24 and the oldest of 4 children. His dad and I were married until he went away to the Navy at 18. His father was always manipulating and punishing him, He even shared pot with him. That’s the parent my son loves. I am extremely close to my two daughters who see their brother as a liar over past events. Our family is torn apart by my son (and his wife who believes his lies). They also will not let me see my granddaughter. As sad and crushed as I am, I know I have to move on with my life. I have exhausted myself trying to open a line to communication with this man. I am sorry for you all and relieved to know that I am not alone in my pain.

  36. marguerite February 19, 2008 at 2:15 pm #

    thank you for this site I want to say so much but I’m feeling so emotional right now because Im not alone and these storys are so similar to what i’m going thru with my oldest son . It helps so much but makes me sad cause I know that it hurts alot. my heart goes out to all of you and god bless your hearts for he will help us over come and except the things we cannot change and give us the courage to change the things we can ..

  37. Luise February 19, 2008 at 4:24 pm #

    Answer: Dear M.: Yes, it feels very supportive to me, too…to know that I am not alone in this painful situation. And we are all gaining the wisdom to know the difference between what we can change and what we can’t. Blessings, Liise

  38. Catherine Todd March 5, 2008 at 4:31 pm #

    This site has made such a HUGE difference in my life… Each story could just about be “my story.” So many abusive young men out there… makes you start to wonder, doesn’t it? Each story is the “same story,” isn’t it. Could it be that the abusers out there start out young like this, and never change? Please keep writing. You are helping to keep my spirits up. I pray every day for God to grant me the “gift of forgiveness” and teach me “how to love.” Amen. Say a prayer for all of us.

  39. Linda March 18, 2008 at 2:58 pm #

    Dear Catherine
    I found this site by accident and yes I wonder too why there are so many young men like this My only son I lost in effect when he was a young child I left him with his father(abusive manipulator) who made my life hell He has recently (my son) decided to contact me Says he’s moved on(he hasn’t) and forgiven me??? for the past (he hasn’t) The pain I feel is worse than the death of a loved one and I have experienced that too.But I know I have to move on for my sanity for my health but its so hard.

  40. Catherine Todd March 19, 2008 at 11:45 am #

    My Son Hates me


    Dear Linda, I know exactly how you feel, and I have to accept that losing my son” is what is really going on, and give it a decent burial and grieve in the “normal ways.” I have to “learn to let go and let God” as there’s nothing else I can do.

    I too recently rec’d an email along the same lines except that I haven’t been “forgiven,” in fact the “list of my crimes” just goes on and on. My son’s real father is a liar and manipulator (I don’t say this out of cruelty, just fact) and my son shares his genes and my own violent, cruel alcoholic father. Sometimes I think that we don’t realize the amount of weight “genetics” play in personality development. My son is exactly like my father, and alcoholic to boot.

    I have to protect myself from him and any other abusive relationship, as I would if I was leaving an abusive husband. I’ve finally realized that these men don’t just “appear” full-grown, they start out that way when they are young! It just gets worse the older they get.

    Your son contacting to you saying he has “forgiven you and moved on” is confusing and potentially cruel, in my estimation. I have written some similar type letters to people, but always dealt with SPECIFICS. What brought this message on?

    Accepting the end / death of a relationship “as we know it” is just like a “death in the family.” In a way, it is, and even worse since they are still alive and we can’t see them or share anything with them anyway. And we don’t know why?

    You wrote:

    “I know I have to move on for my sanity for my health but its so hard.”

    I understand completely, that is exactly what I am trying to do as well. Many people I know have pointed out that alcohol and drugs alter people’s minds and personalities. I couldn’t accept for the longest time that my son could possibly be an “alcoholic,” he knew that I NEVER had alcohol in the house because of what it did to so many of my family members.

    When I finally learned how much he was drinking, at age 35, and how long he had been doing this, I was just horrified. I talked to him about this in an email, and he was so angry he attacked me over and over and has hardly spoken to me since. He and his girlfriend are “drinking buddies” and I believe she is truly his “alcohol demon,” and he wont’ stop until he hits some kind of personal bottom.

    I have to accept that I can’t change him, his personality (which has been angry, irritable, self-centered and cruel since he was young), his drinking, his behavior, or his feelings towards me.

    He hardened his heart a long time ago – looking back, he was born with a hard heart, really, and he has blamed me for everything in his life that didn’t turn out the way he wanted it to. He wants and needs to believe this despite all evidence to the contrary. After years of trying, I have finally had to accept that there is nothing I can do to change his perception; his personality and the chemical changes that have gone on in his brain have more power over him than I do. He’s just like my own angry, abusive father. There is nothing I can do about that, but pray. Pray for us all.

    You can’t imagine the things he leaves out and makes up about how I have “treated him” (“mistreated him” as he would say). Nothing about me being a single mother and working and going to school at the same time so I could provide for him, nothing about marrying later on so he would have a decent “father figure” who didn’t beat him the way I was beaten as a child; nothing about me providing everything he wanted that money could buy and building my entire life around him, regardless of the cost… or the fact that in my day when he was born, and unmarried single mother was lower than a prostitute and I kept my child in spite of the stigma that was heaped upon us both. That’s why I got married, so he would have a better life, and does he appreciate any of it? Of course not!

    How he has treated me is unimportant, and whenever he hurts me and I say “what are you doing, stop!” he says “There you go again, always playing the victim,” and I “deserved it.” Classic abuser, isn’t it? He treats all the women in his life this way. They don’t seem to understand that the way a son treats their mother is the way they will treat their wife. These girls have all learned the hard way, unfortunately.

    I have prayed and prayed to ask God to help me and to help him… previously when all this was shattering like a landslide down on me, I cried nonstop and thought I was losing my mind.

    Then I finally realized that my own son had me “by the ***” just like all the other abusers in my life, and no matter who they were, father, mother, son, sister, brother, friend, whatever: If they were doing damage in my life, to my personality, for whatever reason, I had to cut them out of my life. Easier said than done, but yes, it has to be done. Tina Turner said it best in her book about finally leaving her abusive husband Ike, and how she had to change herself to turn her life around. I read that book at least 20 years ago, and have never forgotten that line. It’s only now, little by little, I can see that my son is one of the last abusers in life, active and impacting my life.

    My son did me the greatest favor of all by cutting ME off almost two years ago, after I brought up his drinking and he went off on me. You can’t imagine the things he accused me of! Many people who know him said he was probably drunk at the time, even as he was writing these horrendous emails. I could hardly believe it, or the phone calls, but in the context of a “mean drunk” it all made sense. I just could not believe that this was my “real son” for he had hidden it so well for so many years, with very brief visits every few years. We always had enough contact for him to get plenty of nice gifts and money when he needed it… and he never even had to “ask.” All he had to do was say “Love You Mom” and those three words would get him ANYTHING, no matter how dear. Then he could throw it in my face that “he never asked me for anything, so you don’t deserve a thing, you B***.” He is a real piece of work. I would NEVER accept this kind of treatment from a “grown man,” so why did I accept it from my “grown son?”

    That’s my problem in a nutshell, not anything that this alcoholic phantom is dishing out. I taught him how he could treat me by letting him get away with it. Now I have to teach him that I won’t accept cruelty and disrespect, no matter how much I might want a “good relationship” with him. He knows my weaknesses and knows just where to strike, like all abusive manipulators, and I cannot allow my own loneliness and pain to allow me to “reach out” to someone who simply CANNOT GIVE BACK. I have to go to God and ask God for the healing that we both need. I have to ask God to give me the “gift of forgiveness and show me the way.” That’s all I have to do, and the rest will follow, if I practice patience in the meantime and keep my feet on the Path.

    So over the last two years, and after each toxic contact (99%), I thought I was literally losing my mind, it hurt so badly… how could my son be treating me this way? Well, there is no end to it. You can’t win when it comes to a personality disorder or active addiction that is standing in the way.

    I cried the entire time and tried to come up with ways that would resolve the problem… since I was doing all the work, I could effect positive change for a very brief period of time, but as everyone pointed out: It has to come from both people, or it’s useless in the end.

    The best DVD I ever watched on this very subject came last night: “Becket (1964)” with Richard Burton and Peter O’Toole. Rent it right away!

    O’Toole is the King of England, and behaves EXACTLY as my son does, and blames his mother and everyone around him in EXACTLY the same way! He abuses his own son, his wife, mother, courtiers, advisors, Richard Burton – as his friend and advisor, Thomas Becket… everyone who comes in contact with him, but he still expects them to “love him” unconditionally and they NEVER “love him enough.” His loves turns to hated in the blink of an eye, when he doesn’t get whatever he wants no matter what the cost.

    It’s the best description of the alcoholic / borderline / narcissistic personality type I have ever seen.

    Personality types are not made, they are BORN. We have very little to do with it no matter how much we were raised by Spock and Freud to believe it was “all the mother’s fault.” I think this is the greatest crime of all… we were never raised to recognize abusive children, as it was always “our fault.” When my son blamed me, well, why not? Everyone else was blaming me for his behavior, ever since he was a child.

    No more. Now I have “God on my side” if I can only remember to pray. All I have to do is ask God to replace the anger and suffering in my heart with forgiveness, gladness and joy. I can’t get to the latter two yet, by any means, but I can ask to come to some kind of “peace and acceptance” and realize that all I really need to ask God to do is to show me “how to love.”

    Not how to “get love in return,” but truly “how to love” with no thought of love in return. To send those “good vibes” and “positive thoughts” out into the universe, and to know that someday they will circle the globe and be returned to me.

    In the meantime, to find those people and places that do welcome me, and develop relationships that are sustaining for me. That’s a new and very welcome thing in my life. Letting go of grief for what I cannot change, letting go of the “old days” no matter who is in it, and moving on to accept those “good things” that are being offered to me, now that there is room for them since I am clearing out all the past.

    That is probably the greatest gift my son has given me: teaching me that I have no control over others, I cannot change the past no matter how much I might want to, but I can move on and find love from those people who wish to share it with me and are capable, eager and willing to do so.

    Those people and that one inside MY SELF is where I want to be.

    Thanks for writing… you can write directly to me any time, at

    I don’t know how to get an email notice from this website to notify me that add’t comments have been made. I just came upon it today by accident!

    Yours, Catherine Todd

  41. Luise March 20, 2008 at 9:56 am #

    Answer: My site is open for comments, as you all can see, and sometimes when the subject is a powerful one, it feels a bit like a chat room. However, there is nothing in my software that notifies anyone of additional comments. Maybe it would serve you all to create a chat room, Catherine, to provide the kind of loving support you have offered to others above. Blessings, Luise

  42. Luise March 20, 2008 at 10:06 am #

    P.S. to Catherine…and I would be happy to publish the URL for your chat room, if you decide to do that.

  43. N. March 23, 2008 at 3:15 pm #

    For many years I coped without my son in my life and I thought I coped pretty well. Denial is pretty persuasive I guess. The truth of the matter was of course that I wasn’t coping. I dreamt of the day when we would be “reunited” but thats turned into its own nightmare. My son via his emails, which I have read a number of times, set out to lay all the blame for any of his misfortunes squarely at my feet. He has a lot to learn.
    At present I am surrounded by so much negativity in my life and I’m dealing with this by repelling it, almost physically, as I feel it draw closer. I’m sending it back to those who would seek to undermine all that I have worked for. If I don’t do this I would surely falter by the wayside. The power of prayer is another powerful tool thats available to all of us. And Karma? Oh yes, I truly believe that what comes around goes around. I’ve seen the living proof of that already in this lifetime. So, to those of us who are mothers -I say hold you heads up high. Be proud of yourselves. Our sons chose their paths and their actions. But they can only undermine and destroy us if we allow them to do so. N.

  44. Luise March 23, 2008 at 5:56 pm #

    Answer: Dear N.. Well put! As I’ve said before, I raised two sons. One blamed me for every problem and every failure and the other credited me with every success and evry win. Neither can be true. I fit in the middle someplace, I’m sure. Blessings, Luise

  45. leslie parris March 27, 2008 at 7:16 pm #

    I keep returning to this site, intrigued to hear your voices, and for the support I so desperately need. What is so painful is having no way of stopping the pain. Like being addicted to something we can’t get hold of or fill ourselves with. The worst part for me is letting go of my son. It’s a joke, really, because I still have hope, and if I have hope then I still wish for him and that keeps the pain alive inside of me. I want a crystal ball so I can see inside my son’s head and heart. All I keep telling God is that I don’t understand. I don’t. I don’t understand one thing about my son’s hatred of me. There are no success stories I can find about mothers holding on to their hope and having their son’s coming back to them. It is the hopelessness and despair of truly letting go that drags me down. I can’t explain my son’s hatred to myself. My father beat me from the time I was 4 years old until I turned 15, yet, I still loved him. Even convicted murderers are still loved by their children. My son is 17 and lives with his father who has poisoned him against me in a way I never knew possible. It has been 5 long years and my son will not have ANY TYPE of contact with me, wishes I will die and calls me ugly names if he sees me on the street. Thank you for this place. I feel like I’m walking dead until I read your letters. I know I can get up and move on. L.

  46. Luise March 27, 2008 at 8:58 pm #

    Answer: Dear L.: Yes, some continue to love against all odds but not everyone does. And some hate without tangible provocation but not everyone. Most of us can’t begin to understand the dynamics and the undercurrents. That your “ex” would use your son as a weapon is horrible. That your son would buy it is sad. And again, it’s all about them…not you. You gave him life and you will always love him. Whether you let go or not doesn’t change things. For now, at least, he’s gone. That may not always be so. We just don’t know. I never actually reconciled fully with my eldest son but we did attain a truce of sorts when he was a grown man and a grandfather. It took a lot of work and we never stopped walking on eggshells. At 52 he had a massive stroke in his sleep and never woke up. He had no idea he was ill and had just had a great day at work. When my grandson, then in college, called to tell me, I wasn’t home. He left a message to call him and said “Grammalu, something terrible has happened.” I turned to my husband and quietly said “Dwight is dead. Nothing else could shake Ben up like that.” And at that moment…I heard Dwight’s voice very clearly saying to me…”I’m fine, Mom.” That didn’t happen to anyone else. It was his gift to me and it got me through the days that followed. I was at peace because of it. I’d never had an experience like that before and I have never had once since. Can it be that hate doesn’t “cross over?” If so, love is the one thing we can count on beyond all of this. Who knows? I feel that I do. Blessings, Luise

  47. leslie parris March 29, 2008 at 2:42 am #

    Dear Luise: What a beautiful and loving experience you had hearing your son after having his massive stroke. Thank you for sharing this because it reaffirms my deepest belief that I will always be bound to my son through eternity and that my life with him today is just one of many more to come. You said to me “Whether you let go or not doesn’t change things.” This struck me to the core. It doesn’t matter what I do, and I’ve done everything but bring the moon to my son. It’s knowing that I don’t matter which equates to non existence which turns into forgetting all about me and becoming invisible that is the most painful of all. I would drop to my knees and wrap my arms around my son if he came to my door. He knows this and he makes fun of my pain. I can’t understand his cruelty. I can’t understand how he forgets his entire life with me. I wish I could hate him and try to, but it’s not what I’m made of. What is God’s lesson for us? Why are we the ones to suffer and not our sons? Why are we punished for loving with all our heart? Are we to learn to separate ourselves and love God and that loving God alone should be enough for us? L.

    I’m deeply sorry to hear about yor son, Luise. I’m grateful for your strength and that you sent this to me.


  48. Luise March 29, 2008 at 12:10 pm #

    Answer: Dear Leslie: I have never told that story before. Maybe that’s because it was especially for you. And of course if it touches others, I am grateful. Also, I try not to step on the belief systems of others and any reference to an afterlife has that potential. I think we all find different lessons in our life experiences. What I learned from Dwight is that part of my life is about parenting but is is not all about parenting. Many people never have children and they still make a difference and are fulfilled. My lesson was to not get stuck in seeing my self-value in anything external and that includes my family. My identity and self-worth are about who I am within not what my reactions are to the choices made by others. It was/is a hard lesson for me. Also don’t be too sure that your son isn’t suffering. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t be doing any of this. He wouldn’t be interested one way or the other. I have found that for me at least, it is a total waste of time and effort to try to figure out why other people, including my children, do what they do. I have enough trouble trying to track my own attitudes, reactions, opiniona and behavior so that I can be as responsible as possilbe. Your own answers lie within and you are doing a great job of confronting the questions that are plaguing you. Combining sharing with others and introspection is or can be a prayerful experience. Blessings, Luise P.S. If you would like to meet my younger son, Kirk, who designed my website and is my webmaster and best friend, go to my Bio. There is a picture of us together there. 🙂

  49. Linda March 30, 2008 at 3:19 pm #

    Dear Leslie: I feel and share your pain. Only those of us in this position can possibly understand. Those with what I call “normal”, (if there is such a thing?), families will never understand and I avoid all discussion on this subject with them. I believe that your son is suffering in his own way. Otherwise, yes, he wouldn’t bother to react and to say the things he does. He knows deep down that he is acting cruelly. For some reason he has set out to punish you and he’s doing a great job just as my son is punishing me. Now its time to call a halt to it. He cut you out of his life and you have to do the same,(for now.) For your well being…your sanity. I mentioned in an email to a friend that this is psychological warfare that is being used upon us and thats exactly what it is. One day hopefully he will become a “real” adult. That may take years but I pray he “sees the light” but if he doesn’t you have to rise above this…survive it. Thats what I’m teaching myself at present, (or trying to anyway.)
    We have no control over how others perceive us in this world. The abuse I suffered as a child has served to only worsen this. (I suffered to at the hands of my mother.) That abuse, I believe, “set me up” in many ways to be easily moulded into this role of believing I deserved this, deep down. It’ taken me many years to see what damage was inflicted both upon myself and others and only now, in my 50’s, am I realising I have carried this all my life in all relationships. So Leslie stand tall. Rise above this. You didn’t deserve this and take heart that you are not alone. L.

  50. Luise March 30, 2008 at 5:17 pm #

    Answer: Dear L.: Thanks so much. Our dynamics may not be the same but they are often very similar. A psychologist once told me that a very tiny child sees the parent as all-powerful and God-like. The mother often gets the brunt of this unfair image because she is around more than the dad. In addition, for a little boy, his mother is his first love. These can be two totally loaded concepts. Our sons must eventually see us with “feet of clay” and as being unsuitable for a “love-match.” This is all unconsious stuff. Some sons weather the transition well and learn to stand alone and seek loves of their own…even choosing to build lifetime friendships with their mothers based on equality. Others never get over the shock of our humanness and unavailability…and hate us for it. Blessings, Luise

  51. leslie parris March 30, 2008 at 9:40 pm #

    Hi Everyone: Your’e absolutely right. I need to step out of this psychological warfare and let go. It’s heartening to know that all of us in this situation understand how painfully difficult this is to accomplish. I wonder if I’m normal because my grief goes in cycles. I feel happy and able to put my son way back in a cloest in my head. But subtle things eventually trigger the lock on that door and out he comes and down I go. I sleep for days until I can get thru a day without crying, then I know I’m good for a long stretch of happiness. But he always comes back and it hits me so hard I can’t control the wave of grief about to crush me. Does anyone else experience this process? L.

  52. Luise March 30, 2008 at 9:47 pm #

    Answer: Dear L. Well, I know feeling are never constant. We are always the riding waves. What you are describing sounds like the grief process to me. And if this isn’t about grief, I don’t know what is. I think is some ways it’s harder than having someone die. Perhaps a grief counselor could help you. Blessings, Luise

  53. Linda March 31, 2008 at 3:02 pm #

    Dear Leslie: I know what you mean, exactly. It comes and goes. When someone negative hits us, it can rise up and hit us in the face full on. But knowing that, you can arm yourself not to think negatively at that time. Remember who YOU are! You are the good person and again we have to rise above it not let “it” defeat us. It’s a battle and one I feel can last a lifetime but we women are strong. If we weren’t, we would have gone under a long time ago. Stay strong. L.

  54. Luise March 31, 2008 at 3:19 pm #

    Abswer; Dear L.s: Way to go! Luise

  55. H. April 13, 2008 at 5:14 pm #

    Thank you all. I felt like I was the only one. I had 2 children and divorced by the time I was 19 years old. My mother. who has a borderline personality disorder and other mental issues, convinced me it would be best if she took them and I agreed. When the kids were 10 and 12, my new husband and I took them to live with us/ Things were hard but we managed to make a family along with another son. Our middle son is married to a woman who constantly makes me out to be a horrible person because of choices that I made when I was young. I apologized. Things were OK. Now, all of a sudden, he will not speak to me. He blames us for everything. At every family function he brings up past events and tries to hurt our feelings in every converstation. I feel guilty and dont know how to get him to understand that I have done the best I could. We all went through a hard time. I feel like he wants me to pay for the rest of my life for things that happend 20 years ago and things my mother did that I was not aware of. Thanks for listening. Any advice? H.

  56. Luise April 13, 2008 at 6:57 pm #

    Answer: Dear H. What we seem to be seeing over and over again is how handy it is that we weren’t perfect. Blaming us is so easy. Our parents weren’t, perfect either. It’s not a perfect world. We start out young and inexperienced, often with two strikes against us. That’s just the way it is/was. Some kids seem to come into this world with understanding and compassion and some seem to have a chips on their shoulders and an axes to grind. How much do we add to that? Who knows? The truth is, that was then and this is now. Why live in the “then” forever and miss the possible joys of the “now?” For one reason and one reason only, to not have to be responsible and to be right at the same time. How sad. Blessings, Luise

  57. WRONGLY ACCUSED PARENTS April 26, 2008 at 8:41 pm #

    This is a sad world when today’s children grow up who were lavished with love and anything he needed only to grow up & diss their parents for no real good reason. I know this wonderful lady who was a single mother (of 16 years). I was very close to her and watched the way she raised her son. Later about age 16 he began the disrespect toward her until she finally had to ask him to find another place to live (after age 18). He’s going to be 27 years old and for 8 years ignores her as well as his own 7 yr old child he chooses not to ever see. Is is possible that some kids hate the fact that they have to grow up?

  58. Luise April 26, 2008 at 8:50 pm #

    I have often wondered that, too. The transition from boy to man happens at the same time that the mother must change from saint to human. For some, it just seems to be too much to cope with and rage and separation are what surface. It is truly sad. I have been there, as you know if you have read the previous posts. My eldest son and I came to a “sort of” truce before he passed on at age 52…eight years ago. Too little, too late. Blessings, Luise

  59. A. May 14, 2008 at 6:54 am #

    I can totally relate to all your stories. My son who is almost through law school has an unexplained hatred toward me. In his last e-mail, he told me that he hopes I die and that he fantasizes about the day he will come to pee on my grave. I can only pray for him and those around him (spouse and child) and hope to God that they are never victims of his anger. I feel sad at the loss of my son who has refused to see me for 2 years now and I am sad at not being able to see my first grandchild. I am grateful for the loving relationship I share with my 2 daughters and I try to focus on the positive aspects of my life. A.

  60. Luise May 14, 2008 at 9:49 am #

    Answer: Dear A.: What a lovely statement of inherent dignity. What other adults, including our own children, do is about them…not us. Blessings, Luise

  61. E. May 14, 2008 at 9:07 pm #

    I go between really wanting to die and wanting to live. Why would my son, whom we adorded turn around and treat us, not with hate so much as with apathy? Apathy is the opposite of love, not hate. I think he used us to further his life, still does in fact. We fall for it every time. He is very well set financially. He married very well…a rich wife. We are not as well fixed as they are. We’re kind of his dumping ground. Take care of the dogs when they go on vacations, keep the grandchildren when they need us. He said to me after I said he was so cold to me: “well, I’m happy”. I don’t understand what that means. It must mean that he wasn’t happy here and now he is. He never calls us, his wife does but not him. He never comes over here. We were so close. Where do parents go to bury their hearts? Mine is dead. I heard that when someone acts out, it’s THEM, not you. I know that is true but in this case, he just gives nothing to us. We gave him everything. Help. E.

  62. Luise May 15, 2008 at 7:42 am #

    Answer: Dear E.: What you are experiencing may last forever or it may change. You have no way of knowing. Some children become adults and let us down completely regarding how they think that should look. I have also seen interested and devoted young adults that are just wonderful to what look like totally undeserving, demanding and complaining parents. It would seem that our job is to adjust to whatever they make up. They grow up and leave and then that’s the way it is. If a satisfactory relationship surfaces, it does and if it doesn’t, we have to set aside our pictures of how we thought it was going to be and create meaning in our lives beyond parenting. As I have written previously, I have one of each…a thoughtless and accusing son and one that is attentive and deeply respectful. I have no idea what that is all about and you are right, I don’t think it has very much to do with me. They just took different paths. When you can, move past wanting to live or die because of your son’s attitude and focus on being motivated by other things…hobbies, friendships, volunteering, church or club work, etc. You get to have a life that you find rewarding. Don’t let him ruin it for you. Enjoy the other aspects availble to you. You are more than a parent. People who have never had children can and do lead full lives. Blesings, Luise

  63. E. May 15, 2008 at 12:02 pm #

    Thank you so much. I am doing a lot of things plus running a business so I am involved but with such a heavy heart. These postings give me hope, though, that I’m not the only one out there. I hate for others to be going through this but with them comes comfort to us all.

    A study was done years ago asking if people had it to do over again, would they have children. A resounding “no” was the reply! I couldn’t believe it. I guess I understand it now because when they’re little they step on your toes and when they’re grown they step on your heart.

  64. Luise May 15, 2008 at 12:28 pm #

    Answer: Dear E.: You’re welcome. We belong to a rather large group. I often think about how hard we work to make sure our kids are happy…while very little thought goes into whether “mom” is happy. So, we produce kids that think all that matters to us is whether they are happy or not and your son has reassured you that he is. Maybe he thinks that is supposed to be all you want and need. Parenting is about giving with no guarantee regarding how it will all turn out. That’s a pretty lopsided concept for those of us who are discarded like a pair of old shoes…and then blamed for the calluses of life. It’s easy to get into self-pity but the victim role just makes it worse. Better to pull up our socks and move on. Would you do it again? Interesting question.
    My youngest son is my dear friend and I still have no idea why. You can see his picture at the end of my bio on this website…which he designed and maintains for me. You have your business. That’s great! And you have your dignity and self-respect knowing you gave it your best shot. Blessings, Luise

  65. E. May 15, 2008 at 2:25 pm #

    I looked at your darling picture of you and your son. How precious that is! What a blessing for both of you.
    I see your point in the statement, “well, I’m happy”. I wish it had had the feeling in it that I just wanted his happiness and that he was and he was telling me that.

    But, that wasn’t it. It was something in his tone after treating me very coldly. I told him that he was being so cold and that’s when he said he was happy.

    I got the distinct feeling that he thought either I didn’t want him to be happy or that he wasn’t happy here. I can not talk to him. He will not allow it.

    Thanks so much for your insight!

  66. Luise May 15, 2008 at 3:16 pm #

    P.S. to E.: Some doors stay closed and some don’t. We have no way of knowing. Certainly no conversation means no relationship at this time. Been there and done that with my eldest son but we did get back to a variety of “walking on eggs” before he died. It wasn’t much but it was still better than nothing at all. My site is place where those of us who know this pain can support each other in healing. Thanks for your contribution.

  67. Y. May 15, 2008 at 3:44 pm #

    My beautiful daughter died at 24 from cancer. She left a note telling me it was a blessing to have me as her mother.
    My son now 33 told me he has hated me his whole life, and now wants me out of it. I have a granddaughter that I will never get to see. I am so broken. Y.

  68. Luise May 15, 2008 at 4:13 pm #

    Answer: Dear Y.: Your story is so sad. Some of us do get broken in the process of livng through what comes our way from parenting. When I lost my eldest son to hate, he was a teenager and when I lost him again to death he was 52 and a grandfather. All I can remember clearly at the time of his death is that it seemed so wrong to outlive my offspring. We are supposed to go first in the grand scheme of things. I believe we can heal if we are willing to and can find purpose beyond our roles as parents. And we can help each other by listening and by caring. It can take way some of the terrible aloneness. Blessings, Luise

  69. Catherine Todd May 15, 2008 at 5:22 pm #

    I have been reading quite a bit about “Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)” and have come to the conclusion that this may be a major contributor to the question of “why does my son hate me when no one else does?” and can include other family members. If depression and diabetes “runs in families” why not BPD?

    There’s a ton of videos on YouTube that describe exactly what is going on with young people with this disorder (made by the young people themselves) and I swear, it sounds so much like my son it’s scary. The unexplained rages, constant irritation, hatred, not talking, blaming, crazy conclusions and comments, drinking, gambling, all around negativity and nastiness. Directed first and foremost at “Mom” and then at the rest of the world, when it suits his fancy. He knows how to behave in public (most of the time) but why not use Mom for a punching bag as long as she will let him? Just like an abusive husband, which he was also, until his wife left him.

    Now he has a BPD alcoholic girlfriend so they drink and fight together. Match made in heaven, apparently. She is his alcohol demon, I firmly believe. But there’s nothing I can do about it, since I am “out of the picture” completely, especially since I no longer send checks and there’s nothing left to do but attack me whenever I try to make contact to say “how are you, still love you.” I have had to work very hard to stick to the “no contact rule” and let him come to me, if he ever decides to do so. Very unlikely at this point, especially with the drinking going on.

    I’m also reading a lot about BPD and substance abuse (my son, again) and am wondering if this has something to do with it. As sad as I still am, I am starting to see the Light at the End of the Tunnel and am no longer blaming or questioning myself, for the very first time in thirty years, and am not disappointed or angry at my son. If he is ill with this disorder, then this explains everything. Just about. Now, it’s just “how do I deal with it?” There’s a book on Amazon called “Walking on Eggshells,” but it puts a lot of the blame / responsibility on the people having to deal with the BPD person, but it’s something to start with. There is also a website that has a discussion list, which has been very informative. Some of the stories are EXACTLY like mine.

    Thank you so much for this website, and for everyone who is here sharing their stories. It has helped so much for me to stop blaming myself and learn how to accept things as they are (no matter how difficult that may be), accept that I am powerless to change the way he acts or feels (no more codependent behavior on my part!) and most importantly, learn how to pray. When I feel sad (most of the time) I ask God to watch over me and my son, and everyone else in my life and in the world, and I �put it in God�s Hands.� What more can we do? And what a relief to do so.

    Thank you thank you thank you, I try to always look around and remind myself of �here and now� and what do I have to be grateful for right now? I can usually find something right off the bat, and that moment in time, in �present time� can change everything if I just remember to do so. has another great website with an emailed �Word for the Day� that I just love, as much as I love this website. Thanks again, Luise! I.

  70. Luise May 15, 2008 at 5:59 pm #

    Answer: Dear I.: We need to be realy careful when we start diagnosing. At least I do. It’s natural, of course, to try to make sense of our situations. Your last paragraph is so inspiring. We share the major benchmarks of our “stories” and then, if an when we are ready to do it…we can move on into the “Here and Now”, looking for and finding cause for gratitude. How lovely! And thanks for the URL. Blessings, Luise

  71. E. May 15, 2008 at 6:32 pm #

    Dear Y,
    Your words break my heart. I know that it is “HIM” and not you but those words don’t mean a thing when you’re in the midst of this hell on earth.

    I have found if I don’t react at all at anything my son does or says, the better he is. At first, I was suicidal and now after many months, years even, I steal myself against anything he might say. I act and now almost feel a sense of “I don’t care” when I’m with him. It’s starting to take. I can see him now as a kind of a sad person now that I’ve backed away. I can view him now as he really is. E.

  72. J. May 18, 2008 at 9:46 am #

    I’m so glad to have found this site. I am a “hated” mother of a son, my only child. Friends have often told me that it would be easier for me had I had other children. It would be more apparent that it was him that had the problem. It would certainly be easier if it was I with the total problem because then I would be able to addess it and hopefully correct it.
    I look back for answers constantly. The best I can do is reconize that my son started actly poorly towards me (we use to be very close) when I refused to reconcile with his father. His father and I had been divorced for 9 years and many court battles. His father later died of cirroshis and now my son had made him a saint and I the one responsible for his death because I divorced him all those years ago. I divorced him BECAUSE he was heavily drinking.
    My son is now 33. His father died when he was 21. Last fall I told him I would no longer be his verbal punching bag. That at 33 he could no longer blame his father or me for any of his problems real or imagined. He’s really angry that I wouldn’t keep playing his game and several months ago he took “charge” which is what he always wants and said I was not to contact him or his family. I am relieved in a way. No contact is better than what it was. I actually worry now that he will contact me again and want some kind of relationship which I think would only be him pulling me back in like abusers do. Mother’s Day etc. cause heart aches so I am thankful there are no occassions til winter to feel badly about. None of us deserve this treatment. Please remember that and on occassion, remind me. J.

  73. Luise May 18, 2008 at 12:00 pm #

    Answer: Dear J.: We start out bigger than life to a tiny baby and “all-powerful.” Their very survival is in our hands. With sons, we are probably thier first love, as well. To some, it seems to be an accute disappointment that we become more and more limited and human and less and less omnipotent as the years go by. Eventually, it become evident that we have feet of clay and no magic wands. We can’t fix broken marriages or broken people and “make it all better.” We are forgiven by some and hated by others. Their choice. I had one of each…and see no reason for the vast difference in their attitudes. Good for you for seeing the freedome in your removal from the never-ending “Somebody Done Me Wrong Song.” Blessings. Luise

  74. E. May 27, 2008 at 3:01 am #

    I miss my sons. Heartbroken.

  75. Luise May 27, 2008 at 3:17 pm #

    Yes, I think that’s the bottom line for all of us. We are trying to help each other pick up the pieces and go on.Blessings, Luise

  76. A. June 4, 2008 at 10:58 am #

    Dear Readers, Dear Luise,

    I wrote the 4592 note… I am looking for words of comfort today. My 23 y.o. son, a soon-to-be lawyer (eldest of 3 children) has developed hatred towards me. He lives 500 km away with a 36 y.o. woman and they had a child in March. He is also forbidding me to see his baby. I can’t find an explanation to his bahavior and my son hasn’t offered any explanation aside from saying that I prefer his 2 sisters and that I gave him less money. Last week he attended a wedding party where lots of my family members were. He even told my brother in law that this summer he will come to show me the baby. Sadly, that was only to shut everyone up so that they wouldn’t question him about his attitude with me ( in my first note here I had mentioned his fantasies about me being dead and him being anxious to come and pee on my grave).

    I am a mental health counsellor and I am very appreciated in my work environment but believe me when it comes time to our own children, there is no way to help ourselves that way.

    How do we cope with that? Is there hope ? I sometimes feel that there is no more hope with my son. As for my grandson, I have to wait till he’s old enough to ask to see me himself. What are your suggestions ? Thank you so much. A.

  77. N. June 5, 2008 at 3:27 am #

    I thought I was alone with a twenty four year old thats hated me since 12. I have tried so hard to show how much I care. I want to live my life abuse free and with him its always name calling, lies, whitholding, rage, punching me, calling me names. This last time I got in trouble for asking for a tissue at a funeral when we left in his car. He drove 90 and on the wrong side of the road. He raged at me telling me what a rotten person I was. I got out of his car after telling him i would live my life and he can live his and no contact. I told him what he said to me was his opinion. I have not heard from him and do not want to talk to someone who hates me for being human. At 56 I want peace in my life and no haters are going to invade or distroy me. Hate kills. I see him as someone I do not know. He was once my sweet boy who I protected and loved. I pray that he can be redeemed because he wont have a good life from the fallout of being a hater of a mom who loves him. He once told me he can not wait until I die. Oh so sick and troubling to even type this. Pray for us please! N.

  78. Luise June 5, 2008 at 7:56 am #

    Dear A. and N.: The only way to peace that I know of is to disonnect out of self-respect and self-preservation. We love these little guys and we give them our best. Then, it’s up to them. A lot of other things, both internal and external, shape them besides their mothers. And when we get to the bottom line, the choice of how to live and who to love is theirs…as is how to hate and who to blame. We’re handy, I guess. When my eldest son turned on me in his teens I thought I could fix it. I thought it was my fault. Neither were true. What I came to believe is that I was a whole person with many viable reasons to have a full life before I centered it around parenting…and I could have that and be that again. I was unwilling to hand him my life on a silver platter and wait to see what he decided to do with it. To heal, we try our best, give up when our survival depends on it and then we pick up the pieces and go on. Life isn’t over until it’s over and there’s more to it than the fulfillment of relating in a positive way to adult children. I know that’s hard to get but it’s true. Blessings, Luise

  79. Catherine Todd June 5, 2008 at 9:46 pm #

    Dear N, I understand completely how you feel. My son hated me since age 14 (if not before), and nothing has changed in 36 years, really since the day he was born.

    I have found a great deal of understanding AT LAST in reading a couple of books: “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me” and “Stop Walking on Eggshells.” Check them out at Amazon and read the comments and reviews, and find out all you can about Borderline Personality Disorder, alcoholism and other addictions.

    They seem to go hand in hand with abandonment issues, rage (often misplaced) and codependency issues for mothers such as myself. I have been, in retrospect, a perfect doormat tying to “prove” to my son that I loved him; for sure “this time” he would have to see it and love me in return! Once I read Melody Beattie’s wonderful books on codependency, I saw myself in every word, in every sentence, every paragraph and every page. I still couldn’t undertand my son’s behavior until I read the other two BPD books.

    I agree with Luise saying we “must be careful not to diagnose” without a degree, but the books have helped me see what is going on with my family… not just my son, and my part in it (buying into the criticism and hatred and manipulation). The bpd411 website has really helped me go through the on-going “no contact” stance I have had to take for self-preservation.

    Now all I can do is practice what I am learning on a daily basis and PRAY PRAY PRAY. I am really coming to believe in that; what else can we do? And share our burdens and our joy (when we can find it) on wonderful websites such as here.

    Good luck and let us know how you are getting along. Once you read some of these books you will see that most probably you have very little to do with your son’s feelings about anything, but there are steps you can do to define your own life in a positive and productive way. At least that is what I am trying to do, and hope you are able to do as well.

    God Bless and don’t give up! Hand in there, it does get better. Darkest before the dawn, and all that… Love from all of us. I.

  80. Luise June 6, 2008 at 6:53 am #

    Dear I: Thank you so much for the very positive suggestions. Blessings, Luise

  81. C. June 13, 2008 at 3:51 am #

    This site is a gold mine for me. I have a son who hates me and blames me for everything, and transfers rage toward his wife at me. I am lucky enough to live in his home. They are buying it form her adopted relatives. I am helping them pay for it, and it is getting so that I am yelled and screamed at by both of them on a regular basis. I am numb, and cant seem to figure out what to do when it comes to moving, I am frozen, and experience such painful emotions I can’t function when I think of it. I am close with three of my grandchildren, but my daughter in law has turned the oldest one against me. Leaving the other little ones especially my grandson is really painful. C.

  82. Luise June 13, 2008 at 6:42 am #

    Dear C. How wise of you to see that your son is transfering his rage toward his wife to you. Seeing yourself as “lucky” to be living there, however, is beyond me. For most of us humans, two generations under one roof is one too many. In a perfect world of perfect folks, it might be utopia but we don’t qualify. Find an advocate or a counselor to support you in removing yourself from this crippling abuse. It isn’t good for your grandchildren, either, to see what is going on and to use what they see as a role model of how adult behavior should be. Blessings, Luise

  83. G. June 16, 2008 at 4:21 pm #

    Luise, thanks so much for referring me from one comment posting to this one. Like most everyone here, I felt so alone. I don’t take comfort in the fact that others are going through what I am “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” but I am encouraged that this happens to good loving mothers. I know my son loves me even if he refuses to see me. His wife made him make a choice and he did. They gave me no reason for this position and I have lived the last 1 1/2 years trying to come to terms with it. I want to grow in Character – but I will first have to lay down my sorrow. Nothing will replace my son, but everyday I spend in sorrow is a day I waste. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it will take God to get me (all of us) through this. I may not ever get to meet my Granddaughter but I am writing to her. I have started a scrapbook, and hope to pass on information about me and my side of the family (he has cut my family out completely). I have also started a savings account for her that we all contribute to instead of sending unwanted gifts. I bought her birthstone ring right after she was born and I wear it everyday to remember her. One day I will pass it on to her. She may or may not accept or appreciate any of this one day – but I live with the hope that she will and that whatever she hears or thinks about me – she will know I wanted to be a part of her life. Thanks to all of you for sharing and helping me to see I am not alone. G.

  84. Luise June 16, 2008 at 5:16 pm #

    Dear G. Thanks for joining us on this link. We are a large a diverse group and you are definitely not alone! I didn’t publish some of your post because I try to respect the fact that the web reaches into every country and every belief system and there are many different religions represented here. I don’t make it a point to catch and remove every reference to faith but I do want everyone to feel welcome and accepted. Blessings, Luise

  85. I. June 18, 2008 at 4:52 pm #

    I have a 19 yr old that moved out and is living with my ex, he moved out 3 yrs ago. My son has always lived with me. Now my son tries to blame me for everything. He invites his dad (who just got arrested for possession) to things such as for prom pics, etc. but not me…He never invites me at all. My ex has always hated me, been divorced for over 15 yrs and has done a good job brain-washing my son. My son thinks that I emotionally abused him because we fought alot and that he had to leave my home because of me. My son doesn’t hold back what he has to say and at times is very hurtful and very disrespectful. He will never apologize, instead he tries to put the blame on me and say that I freak out. My son decided not to see me for over 1/2 year last year and I was diagnosed with depression. All of a sudden he text messaged me saying he was sorry that he let things get so bad. I saw him every week up until a couple of weeks ago and now he wants nothing to do with me. He has a girlfriend and she has only met me 2 times in 2 years. My son will see me but only alone, not around other people. He treats me like I’m not good enough or I’m a loser. I’ve decided that I don’t want a relationship like this. I’m not contacting him. I think of what it would like to have a normal relationship with him but I’m so afraid that it will never happen. I.

  86. Luise June 18, 2008 at 5:58 pm #

    Dear I. Your son is having a hard time trying to figure all of this out. His off-again…on-again behavior shows that. And you have to do what is needed to keep yourself in balance. Abuse is abuse, whether it is misguided or not. Good for you for setting boundaries. Blessings, Luise

  87. W. June 27, 2008 at 2:28 pm #

    Most of the comments I’ve read here are by single parents but I’m here to say the same thing has happened to me and my husband of 40 years. We always had a very good relationship with our son until he met a woman, dated for 5 months, then married. He was 33 at the time. After meeting our DIL to be, he started accusing me of not “loving” her, then progressed over the next 4 years as to becoming more vicious to myself, husband and his sister. He rages at us about bizarre things from his childhood all the way up to now. Nothing makes since. I finally had to start therapy for myself because I was feeling so bad. He refused to go to family counseling and has no interest in hearing anything we say. I’ve been through so many emotions that I think I’m finally getting to the stage where I can let him go. He’s not the same person we knew. This person I don’t even like and I really don’t have any hope he will see the light anytime soon. W.

  88. Luise June 27, 2008 at 3:18 pm #

    Dear W. Good for you getting help when you needed it and for calling it quits when you couldn’t take any more. That’s often what it takes to be able to move on. We were “complete” before we became parents and we owe it to ourselves to find a sense of completeness again, without our children, if need be. Blessings, Luise

  89. Jane June 27, 2008 at 5:19 pm #

    I still don’t understand why some sons behave this way. I’m amazed that so many of us are going through the same thing. Do they have a screw loose? I just don’t get how they can be a respectful member of the family for years, then all of a sudden they just change into this stranger you don’t recognize.
    I’ve made up my mind I am changing the beneficiary to my will. I had it set up so half would go to my son and daughter but since he has chosen not to be a part of this family, he isn’t entitled to anything.

  90. B. June 30, 2008 at 4:11 pm #

    My learning disabled child (23) quit a job and moved out. He won’t tell us where he lives and only calls every few weeks to see if he has mail. I am worried sick about him. He went from making a very good living to nothing–as far as I know he has no job. He blames me for all the wrongs in his life and told his father if I ever try to contact him he will get a restraining order. I’ve started therapy because I am so worried about him. Will he get into trouble, what is he eating, what is he doing for money? I don’t believe drugs and alcohol are involved. He has not been happy for years and his brother and sisters are glad he is out of the house because he was so mean to everyone. Isn’t it funny that I am the ONLY one in the family that never gave up on him and I am the one he hates so much. My heart has broken and I worry morning, noon, and night. My therapist keeps telling me to “just stop” worrying. And I say, I’d love to–tell me how. She said if I really wanted to stop being worried about him, I would!!!!

  91. Luise June 30, 2008 at 9:09 pm #

    Dear B.: I know a lot of people won’t agree with me, but I would be looking for a new therapist. You need to heard, understood and suuported…not criticized. You are right, there’s a lot to worry about because your son probably isn’t safe “out there.” But/and worrying isn’t going to change a thing. He has made his decision, wise or unwise, and “the chips are going to fall where they may.” Your recovery is what should be your priority. You have the remainer of your family and the rest of your life to consider. Blessings, Luise

  92. J. July 5, 2008 at 10:04 pm #

    I have read a lot of the above comments and like a lot of these mothers – my son hates me – he remembers things that so different from me – I was a single parent and his father was around but drunk 99% of the time and no help – my mother helped me and she was very controlling – but was is the one he loves and they both disregard me – my mother always had and has more money than me – I married a good man when my son was 14 and I started trying to buy his love because now I had more money – my son is 25 now and he has put me through hell with his partying and his mouth. My husband and I bought a house next to us and now my son lives there – renting from us and it is awful – I think I tried to hard to win him back – I got my feeling hurt very badly this weekend and I think it would be best for me to stay away from him for awhile but I worry he will just not care and the whole thing will be over – I do not know how not to be a mom and go away – I feel so alone and hurt – betrayed emotionally!!

  93. Luise July 6, 2008 at 7:09 am #

    Dear J. You can’t control whether your son cares or not or if the whole thing is over. Those are you son’s decisions…not yours. Sometimes we need to pass on the Mom-thing no matter how hard or seemingly impossible it feels to do that. He’s grown up. He’s an adult. He’s making his own choices. You have done your Mom-job and don’t need to provide housing or listen to his mouth. Adult children can be friends or they can become acquaintances. Would you pick him for a friend at this time? Blessings, Luise

  94. J. July 6, 2008 at 2:48 pm #

    I am so sorry to know that other mums have experienced the heartache that I am going through at the moment. I have two sons, the eldest is 21 and absolutely hates me which leaves me with a really heavy heart. I divorced their father 10 years ago (I was his second wife) because of his violence towards me and his adultery with not just one woman. My ex hit me on a number of occasions but always ended up crying, saying he would never do it again and he was really sorry… I used to feel sorry for him even though he had hit me. At the time had had enough and decided I was deserved better. I struggled with both a full time job and also a part-time job too, together with raising two active young boys and I must add that I had no close family nearby to help out as both my parents died some time ago. I can honestly say, hand on heart, they had a really good upbringing and I was a very good mother to them. My ex-husband never contributed to their upkeep, no presents at Christmas, they were lucky if he remembered their birthdays, he has only seen them a few times in the last 10 years and has never given them so much as £5 pocket money. My eldest son idolises his father and I feel he encourages the negativity between my son and me. His father tells him that I will never change and that he takes everything I say with a pinch of salt. My eldest son has lived with me enjoying all the creature comforts of a loving home where I cherished being his mother but he refused to contribute to the household bills even though he is working. Six weeks ago we had an argument over money, I refused to keep buying food for him to eat, (he has a huge appetite) and as a result he told me he hated me, I am a vile person and have been a terrible mother. I know this may sound radical but I am in the process of rewriting my will because I do not want my eldest son to inherit the things I have struggled in life to keep. He has told all my neighbours and his friends’ parents that I am a lunatic, alcoholic (which is total fabrication as I rarely drink and only have one glass of wine maybe once a week)and am an awful person and mother. I despair as this is my neighbourhood where I have lived for 25 years now and feel I don’t really want to move away just because of my angry hateful son. I am referred to as the ‘old bitch’ when he contacts my youngest son… It hasn’t been an easy job raising two young lads into young men and now I feel I am being punished for something I have not done. Sigh! J.

  95. Luise July 6, 2008 at 3:05 pm #

    Dear J. We are a very large group, unfortunately. I would be willing to bet that the people who live close by see through your eldest son’s abusive attitude toward you. They were there when you raised both sons against all odds. Very often, the ex-husband becomes idolized. Go figure. I have no idea how it can be so easy for our sons to forget…and then rewrite history. And good for you re: your will! Blessings, Luise

  96. C. July 13, 2008 at 10:30 pm #

    My three boys are the love of my life, and when they were young I lived for them. Their father’s two marriages left me alone, and so I ended up being a single mom. I can’t tell you how much I loved them, or how happy we were. Now especially my middle son seems to hate me and blames me for all his woes as a child. To listen to him I think I don’t know him. Now he sees his father who caused us all so much pain and needless suffering and I am kind of a forgotten toss away.

  97. Luise July 13, 2008 at 11:11 pm #

    Dear C. Hard to understand and even harder to endure. What amazes me is how often this happens. The steady mom is blamed and the unreliable dad is idolized. We just don’t know why blaming is chosen or why we get the brunt of it. We do know it isn’t about us because all of our kids don’t do it. Blessings, Luise

  98. R. July 18, 2008 at 12:10 pm #

    Today is July 17, 2008 and in a moment of weakness I typed in the words “what makes sons hate their mothers” in the google search engine….I do not have the answer but I just met a bunch of us divorced or single or hurt moms with grown sons that DO NOT have much against us mothers but seem to take it all out on us to our demise. I became a single mom when my physically & verbally abusive alcholic husband threw my first son down the hallway as an infant! I demanded we visit family, packed up ALL of my two sons (ages 1 and 2) belongings and drove 1700 back home! Never returned to that angry violent man, lost my possessions! I sheltered them, I clothed them (I am not kidding I sewed little shorts overalls in 1977!)I fed them, they were and ARE the loves of my life. When they were ages 5 and 6 guilty they were without the dad who wouldn’t visit nor pay child support….feeling I made a horrible mistake with the 1st husband so I married! These beautiful boys now had a father who was sober and kind, mistake #2………we divorced after 16 years. They were raised in sports, nice clothes and a wonderful neighborhood. Both boys grew up to have drinking problems, DNA?!~I do not! The step father who adopted them did not! Well, the oldest misses mothers day and my birthdays, flys over my house to go visit his natural father to be with him and his rich girlfriend for Christmas leaving me here. That father gave them up for adoption because he owed over $40,000.00 in child support!!!!!!!!!! 1# sons wife love$ the the girlfriend and MY GRANDKIDS CALL HER GRANDMA~! 2# son is more distant and honors and respects me, I have begged #2 son to CONFESS if I had done anything to warrant such pain…..he says “nothing ma”, #2 never misses so much as Flag Day! I am not exactly loving these “men” the same as I did as boys, teens and young men. I had a heart attack, well, Doc said anxiety attack and gave me nitro 2 years ago. I can read your words and words of others, to know that I know, I did all I knew to do with love and lived a life for them, marrying was even for them and wasn’t the right reason for me. Now, I own my own home,own a business, am happily single, Nana of 2 of #1 sons children, leave three miles away from #2 son and visit my #1 son and fasmily 2-4 times each year. I have given #1 over to the Lord to fight my battles as this mother could just die a 1000 deaths in pain….the Lord carries me, and while I tell you in birth order #1 and #2, I can sit back and say at my age 54 the LORD is now #1 and He leads me down the right path and I can take what #1 dishes out with a “Forgive him Father, for he knows not what he does”…’s easy for his natural father to see him holidays and have fun, just like the good time charlie he always has been,yes him when they talk, no diapers, no schooling, carefree and not daily. I tell my son I love him no matter what while I do not understand his feelings and I am there to talk when he is ready….like we once did. He is married so wife first and then Mom, but blatant abandon hurt and to take up with a man who left for 25 years, tough pill to swallow.

    Thanx for allowing me to vent, I am sorry for other gals who love like me and have faced the pain that sons bring, this is worse than being a mother in law…..!!!!!

  99. Luise July 18, 2008 at 2:30 pm #

    Isn’t it interesting (and yes, discouraging)…to find how often the absentee father surfaces later on and is romanticized? My eldest son was seriously abused psychologically by his dad and yet years later he choose to canonize him. In the meantime I kept my nose to the grindstone and was then used as a scapegoat. It was all my fault…whatever “it” was at the moment. Weird!

  100. H. July 21, 2008 at 7:07 am #

    My problems with my oldest son began when he became involved with a woman who did not want to share her boyfriend, (later husband), with his family. My once loving son became critical and accusatory over practically everything I did while raising him. I just recently was told he does nothing for me out of devotion, only duty. He tells me what a terrible mother I was and how our family pales in comparison to his wife’s family. Every time I try to talk to him to try to mend things he bombards me with more things I did wrong. My husband passed away six years ago and my son turned his back on his two younger siblings and myself. Just recently I found out that my breast cancer has spread and I will die from it. Even that has not softened his heart.If I ask him to spend some holidays with me he says I’m being unreasonable. Holidays are spent with his wife’s family. He told me before he got married he knew his life was going to be hell because his fiance was so controlling, but he said it was too late to call things off. I do feel he has transferred his negative feelings from his wife to his family because his life would be horrible if he stood up to her. I just don’t understand why he’d be so cruel now when he knows what my situation is. My two other children spend time with me and it means so much to me, but I still have a huge aching in my heart for my oldest son who was once a caring, loving person. Any ideas or advice would be appreciated.

  101. Luise July 21, 2008 at 10:38 am #

    Answer: Dear H. It is hard to believe we all have to much in common. My only advice would be to forgive him for using you as a scapegoat and to turn toward the people in your life that are supportive. You don’t need conflict and stress on top of illness. Send him love silently from your heart and spend you time with your other lovely children. Blessings, Luise

  102. N. July 29, 2008 at 4:21 am #

    This site is like an answer to my prayers. I am really struggling with my 17 year old son. He has been angry with ME since he was 12. I am married to his dad and have two adult daughters. My relationship with my girls is great. They are 21 and 24. They think their brother is a jerk. He is in trouble with the courts, flunking out of school and is disrespectful to ME ALWAYS> I get called terrible names and am told on a daily basis that I am terrible mother. I am human..perfect by no means…but tried liked hell to be a loving, caring and nurturing mom. I have had a lot of educational and work success. However, I would trade everything for my Son’s love and respect. He told me at 4;30 a.m. this morning that he hates me and he could careless if I died. He was pissed because I caught him and his friend sneaking out after stealing 4 of his father’s Corona’s. My husband works in Manhattan and was showering getting ready to catch the train. I confronted my Son and he went off the charts. Broke my cell phone, cursed at me etc. He is currently on probation. He is court ordered to go to counseling. He told me that he told the counselor that I am a lying, conniving, two-faced bitch. I can honestly say I don’t know why he is so angry with me and hates me so much. I just hurts incredibly bad and I an so very sad!

  103. Luise July 29, 2008 at 5:07 am #

    Dear N. When you can, get counseling for yourself. Serious damage can come from the kind of abuse your son is dumping on you. Yes, kids can abuse parents…it’s not always the other way around. Some boys seem to resent the fact that they must grow up and become responsible. They want permanent “baby” status, a free-ride, and it is easy for parents to feel they must take the blame for such behavior. When the task of growing up looms, it is easy to hate the person in charge if it looks too difficult or even just unappealing. Usually, that parent is the mom…(who was supposed to continue to indulge them forever, in their eyes.) Being held accountable is often seen as rejection and so they get into retaliation. Let up on yourself, you are paying too high a price for searching for the reasons why and it isn’t helping at all. When he is able to leave at 18, encourage that. You do not need to continue being his scapegoat. Some sons outgrow it. Some don’t want to because it’s too good an excuse to remain unproductive and angry. Blessings, Luise

  104. K. August 8, 2008 at 6:55 am #

    Dear Luise: All of your stories sound like I wrote them myself. My son (40) absolutely hates me and like most if yours tells everyone within earshot what a terrible person I am and that I am the reason for his lot in life. I have done so much for him and his wife and my granddaughters and grandson. When his wife left him and took the kids and we stood by him and comforted him. We were furious with his wife. Then we found out that he drove his wife away because he found some woman on the internet that offered him sex. He made up all the things he said to us. Now he lives with her and her son. He is an acoholic(which he blames me for) in therapy. When we talked to the therapist he told us that he is a compulsive liar and has delusions of reality and he feels that rules don’t apply to him.He made up everything he said to the therapist it was all lies I was shocked. He lied about me, his father, his grandparents. He’s living in a fantasy world. His therapist gave up on him. He has 2 houses in foreclosure, 3 repossessed vehicles and has never paid any real estate taxes on his houses. I have not spoken to him since before Thanksgiving of 2007 except for one message I left because my granddaughter came home from school crying because she had to turn in her violin because he didn’t pay for it. We repaired our relationship with our daughter in law and see our grandchildren all the time and watch them a lot. but she got upset with me recently.She called one day and was complaining about him and of course I gave my opinion like the countless other times we’ve talked. For some reason she told him everything I said. Now he and his internet friend want to move to a new house and we found out he used us as a reference. (What nerve). I was talking to his wife again and said that to her, she called him he got upset and called the police and told them I was harassing him and he wanted to press charges against me. I haven’t seen him nor spoken to him. I cried and cried over this and everything else so much I just can’t cry anymore. He’s making things up because he seems to need the drama in his life. I haven’t figured out what he wanted the police to do that day. He needs serious help. I cannot forgive him for this. That was ridiculous. He’s making up things and thank God the police believed me and it made him look like a fool. Now I have not spoken to his wife for 2 weeks and of course haven’t seen my grandchildren. I give up on them – I have never seen such immature adults. What kind of lessons are they teaching their children from this kind of behavior. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. K.

  105. Luise August 8, 2008 at 9:55 am #

    Dear K. I’m so glad that you found comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone. We support each other here in moving on. Getting our lives back is what it is about. People sometimes make choices and take paths that create huge roadblocks in their lives. Their mothers don’t do it, they do. No mother is perfect but we often become the perfect scapegoat. When that happens we are the only ones who can stop it. Blessings, Luise

  106. J. August 10, 2008 at 5:29 pm #

    My two youngest daughters died in their thirties. My only living child is in his forties and has his own life without me in it. For no good reason. I’m a well loved person and never had any enemies. I miss my children 24/7. I don’t believe in karma, because what came around to me was nothing I deserved. I never hurt a soul in my entire life.

    I stay in bed and feel sorry for myself, and live alone. Why me? Why not me? I pray that I will laugh again and have some happy days left in my life. Why am I still here? I don’t know, however, I refuse to give up. J.

  107. Luise August 10, 2008 at 5:37 pm #

    Dear J.: Let the love at this website in. It’s real. Blessings, Luise

  108. J. September 3, 2008 at 12:14 pm #

    I am so glad I found this site a while ago. I come to it often. Yesterday I got another raging email from my son. He had let me visit my grandson (age 6) and his mother 10 days ago. He wouldn’t see me and I saw them at the other grandmother’s home. Now he regrets that decision and has announced again, the 4th time according to him, that he doesn’t want any thing to do with me and sees no reason why I should see his son. Although he “doesn’t say this to be mean”. My mind rejects this but my heart keeps trying to figure out how to fix it. God can’t fix my son because my son does not want to be fixed but He did put me next door to a woman I became friends with that happens to work at a domestic shelter. Then on the other side of me He moved in a young couple the same age as my son and his wife. They have no children nor desire to have any. She has become one of my best friends. We have solved all the problems in the world once or twice a week over breakfast at the local diner. Just as I was rereading the email from my son he called to suggest breakfast and politics tomorrow. I have to practice reminding myself not let my son hurt me any more than the initial reading of things lke his email. Not to reread it and not to respond. Thanks again for this website. I would be all alone in the reality of this kind of behavior without you all. J.

  109. Luise September 3, 2008 at 12:25 pm #

    Dear J. We are a pretty special group, aren’t we? Good for you for holding your own! Blessings, Luise

  110. J. September 4, 2008 at 3:13 pm #

    Dear Luise

    How bout your response being number 5000? Five has always been my lucky number……. J.

  111. Luise September 4, 2008 at 3:22 pm #

    Wonderful! Blessings, Luise

  112. C. September 11, 2008 at 8:41 am #

    I can’t believe I just found this site by typing in “My son hates me”. Reading the stories by all the wonderful, heartbroken mothers makes me feel a little bit relieved knowing I’m not alone. However, I’m so depressed over my 16 year old son. He left home this summer to go to work with my ex but promised to come home on weekends. He decided he liked being there better and so we fought every weekend. At the same time, he had been going to therapy, supposedly for anger towards his father and for not being able to get along with his peers. We had always been very close, along with my husband who has raised him since he’s 3 and his brother who is 12. I found out from the therapist that he wanted to move in with his father. He said he needed a fresh start. The therapist said that all boys get to an age where they favor their fathers. He came, got his stuff without a word and has been so cold to us for no reason. He complains that I’ve been mean to him and that I yell at him. I have been nothing but loving, kind and devoted to him all of his life. All of this started this summer. I had a fight with my ex and it turns out he’s been lying to both of us for years. Making me think he’s hated my ex and telling my ex everything I’ve ever said and things I’ve never said. He has betrayed me more than anyone could imagine. He feels no empathy, compassion and is unapologetic. I don’t know where this is coming from. We are scheduled to go to family counseling (new therapist) but I don’t know if that will help. I’m so brokenhearted. I’ve left out a lot but that’s the gist of it. Thanks for listening. C.

  113. Luise September 11, 2008 at 11:26 am #

    Dear C. Unfortunately, you belong to a pretty large group. The games that go on can be devastating, I know. My eldest son’s father was cruel; as in rejecting and patronizing toward him. It was a lethal combination that would now be seen as psychological abuse. Yet, in the final analysis, his father was the one who was idolized and I was the one blamed for the whole mess. Who knows, in your case, what a therapist might make of any or all of it. We break up a family for whatever reason and we often don’t know what goes on in anyone’s head about that. Silent questions are asked, I guess, and then answers are made up. There has to be a “bad guy” and we are so handy. Blessings, Luise

  114. K. September 23, 2008 at 7:15 am #

    I don’t know what to do. My 16 year old son is so disrespectful it is ruining my marriage and disrupting my whole home life. He tells me he hates me. Wants me to die. Calls me every filthy name in the book. I want him to go live with his dad but he won’t. I am 50 yrs old. My mother died at 56. I’m afraid if I continue living with this constant abuse I will also have a heart attack.

    I don’t know why he is doing this. Up until 2 years ago I thought we had a pretty good relationship. He has always been high strung. Has never done well in school. He’s smart enough he just won’t do it. I have given up and put him in an online school. I have to fight with him to do that. I’m so stressed I don’t know what to do. Please Help! K.

  115. Luise September 23, 2008 at 9:29 am #

    Dear K.: It sounds like you need intervention. Not only is the situation hurting you but it is hurting your son. Being abusive is damaging to the abuser. I think I would go to an attorney about this situation. If your husband is willing to take him…your son doesn’t get to decide that “he won’t” go there. It isn’t “open season on mothers” and he has to be stopped. I know he is still a minor. Find out what your legal right are. Blessings, Luise

  116. BJ October 12, 2008 at 11:29 am #

    Daer Luise: After a 20 year marriage which ended in a divorce, I can hardly believe he has my boys. September 2007, my husband, at the time, had our 15 year old son putting a GPS on my car. He also had a private investigatory following me. He proved nothing because nothing was there to prove. He also involved our 11 year old son by getting him to entertain me while his brother changed out the GPS. My boys and I have always been so close. We were always together and I supported them in everything. I did everything for them and with them. My ex-husband was always jealous and suspicious of everything I did. Always checking my phone, sneaking up to my work, checking the miles on my car and while in nursing school, accused me of having numerous affairs. After 20 years of mental and physical abuse, I decided to leave him. Now mind you, our boys were always nervous around him for he did not know how to carry on a conversation in a normal tone voice. Always yelling. We walked on eggshells in that house. He would embarrass the boys at their high school football games by making them take the school colors off of their faces. This is something the kids did at homecoming games. There is so much more I could tell but would never get to the point. My boys were very close to me, however when I left their dad, he became a “Walt Disney Dad” and I was the mean, hateful parent. My boys were used to hurt me. My oldest knocked me against the wall when his grandmother, their dad’s mother, started screaming, “Help me Garrett, she is hurting me!!!” when I only asked her to leave. He come running in there and she laid on the front porch steps and told him I pushed her down the steps. He believed her and so did my 11 year old. My “ex” called them constantly when he dropped them off and I started taping their conversations. Thats when I knew he was using my oldest son to put the GPS on my car. I had custody of my boys and was told that their dad was checking them out of school and that they had only 4 days to miss and they would fail the school year. The last time I saw my boys was February 28, 2008 when I took them to school and passed him on the way to check them out. I turned my car around to go and stop him. When I arrived at the school parking lot, my boys would not even look at me nor mind me. They got in his truck. I had had all I could take and I finally fought for my children. I took his keys from him and he started choking me. His 3 sisters jumped on me at the school and they don’t even have children going to school. I was thrown in jail for disorderly conduct and domestic violence. Nothing was done to them. I then decided to let them live with him because they looked like my boys but did not act like my boys. They had been turned against me and were told things that were awful about me. My oldest had told me his dad told him that I was sexually molested and that was why I was acting like I was. I could not believe my ears. His dad had stooped that low to lie to our 15 year old to make him think I was mental. Anyway, it is a court order to go to a counselor and try to get the boys back in my life, so I finally saw them 2 nights ago since Feb.28. They have so much anger against me. I have called several times prior, but their dad tells me they do not want to talk to me. I did nt see either one on their birthdays nor Mothers’ Day. I love them so much and miss them. Do you think our relationship will ever be restored? I do not want to give up on my boys. They are my life. B.

  117. B. October 15, 2008 at 1:35 am #

    I also have a 27 yr old who cannot stand me. He and his wife call me to spend hours on end telling me what a bad person I am. I have told him I will put a restraining order on them, if they do not leave me alone. I want nothing to do with him or his wife. I love my four granddaughters but they like to use them by telling me it is their way of punishing me not to see them. I told them to take the kids and leave me alone. It took six years to get the guts to say that to them. Keep living. Someday you will hear what their children did to them and you want to be around to see it. B.

  118. A. October 15, 2008 at 2:09 am #

    Look you are a mother who is learning to be a mom, there is nothing that tells us how we should act or say to our children. We are as lost as they are on behavior. Now you can love your mother and hate the way she acts.That’s what most children do not understand. There is a different. Once you find yourselves or when you get older both you and your child will chill out. You first before him. You will love having him or her around. I believe that. And that is what keeps me going. Or you may not. Because the kids are still young, we will fight with them. As we gets older all will chill out. I am almost 50 yrs old. I also was nasty with my Mom. Now I wish I could tell her how sorry I was, and I miss her a lot. I just want to hold her. She passed away and I never got the chance to tell her that. Take Care. A.

  119. Luise October 15, 2008 at 7:42 am #

    Beautifully put! Thank you and blessings, Luise

  120. Luise October 15, 2008 at 7:52 am #

    Dear B. And let’s all remember that things can change and sometimes miracles do happen. Patterns can be broken and results can shift. There’s always hope. Blessings, Luise

  121. S. October 15, 2008 at 9:46 am #

    Yes, there is always hope Luise. After 2 long heartbreaking years my son and I have reconciled. Never, ever give up keep praying, everything happens for a reason. Karma will come back to those who deserve it, good or bad.
    What I did learn through my experience with my son is that we should pursue all avenues to sit down and talk with our sons, just you and him…no one else… even when we think they do not want to talk to us. If I had of followed my heart and did that with my own son, we would have been together a lot sooner. I will continue to pray for all of you to be able to endure the heartache I know you all are feeling. S.

  122. Luise October 17, 2008 at 4:24 pm #

    Dear BJ: I have no idea how it will all turn out, of course. No one does. It is sickening to know that children are used as weapons in marriage disputes. It is the worst kind of exploitation. It also sounds like you have conducted yourself in ways that were not a good example at times. The seeds of hate have been planted and they are growing tall and strong. Fighting it seems to be making it worse. You usually can’t reason with kids who have an adult brain-washing them. I think I would back off and clean up my act and wait. What else can you do? You can’t force respect or love. Blessings, Luise

  123. C. October 23, 2008 at 11:16 pm #

    I have a 36 year old son who has been very abusive to me since he was 14. Fortunately he lives in another state. He recently called and said he wants to come for Thanksgiving and stay with me for a week. I told him he could come but have been majorly panicking about this. I actually am scared of him. He is very verbally abusive and always telling me what a bad parent I was. He drinks a lot and is always in an angry mood with me although very pleasant with other relatives. He is extremely controlling and unpleasant to be around. I have decided I am going to email him and tell him that I’ve decided it’s not a good idea for him to stay with me. I’m terrified of doing this because I know he will be very angry at me and I feel some of my relatives will not understand. Also, I am afraid he will just come anyhow. But I just cannot handle him coming. The last visit was a real nightmare.
    I keep putting off telling him because this is so hard.
    Thank you for your wonderful website. It is nice to know I’m not the only one with these issues.

  124. V. October 25, 2008 at 1:10 pm #

    Like many others I can’t believe this space exists and that this is happening to so many of us. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me that my son could hate me so much. It seems to be that the neediest sons are the ones that turn against their mothers. My son first stopped talking to me 6 years ago, after 11 months he asked his sister to arrange a meeting. Everything was fine for a month then he stopped talking to me again (he was abusive in his manner.) Then 18 months later we met at a family party and I discovered my 3rd grandchild was on it’s way. They kept me around long enough for him to be born and me get a connection to another one and they now haven’t spoken to me for 2 years, except to tease by saying he wants to see me. Then he withdraws and says it probably best that he doesn’t. For now I am calm but there are days when I don’t want to go on. V.

  125. V. October 25, 2008 at 1:12 pm #

    C., Stay strong and, if you have to, arrange to go away…so you are not there if he does come. V.

  126. A. November 6, 2008 at 12:38 pm #

    My situation is complicated, but in essence, two of my five children are good to me — and three of them hate me and seem to have forgotten all that I ever did for them. And I mean, as a single parent, was working extra jobs, but always they got nice clothes, they got parties on their birthdays, their friends were welcome in the house, we were the most popular place in the neighborhood, and all the kids grew up with great grades and scholarships and praised by newspapers as leaders, and so on. But as I became poor and old, they have gravitated more and more to their wealthy father: though he paid child support, he was not there for them and was abusive to two of them (the two who are still decent to me). My oldest told me not to kiss her on the mouth, is easily offended, is stiff and formal, and never contacts me except to have her children say ‘thank you’ for a gift at Christmas or something. Those grandchildren do not reply to my emails, though two are now in college. I try hard to stay in contact-it is like a black hole. One son says he hates me so much he will never marry, and that he gets physically ill just thinking about me. He wants his father’s love so much, and barely gets any attention from him, but prefers that to having anything to do with me. When my oldest daughter married, he refused to be in the family photo–some forty of us–if I was in it also. He was finally persuaded after a horrible and embarrassing session of pleas. it is the only photo I have of my family. I was often praised as a perfect mother and our single-parent family seemed to have conquered everything–but when they left home, they wanted MONEY more than anything else, except those same two. It is like money HAS to provide the comfort and security. One son spends $200 for a bottle of wine at lunch and is rich, but recently decided not to give me a loan so I can buy a little house — a small loan, with guaranteed repayment when my mother’s will repays the money next year through an annuity. But no, he owns thirteen houses but will not help me. I cried like a baby with disbelief. I always made excuses that he was just ‘busy’ –not ignoring me. He then blocked my emails. I felt crushed. My youngest son, also rich, just bought an $80,000 car but also refused the loan–but he’s the one who refused to be in the same photo with me. The one daughter has been kind and gracious. The one son is getting a loan–he’s POOR!– but I will be ale to repay him six months from now. It’s like I gave birth to, loved and adored and slaved over five, but only have two children, as if the other three have died. They get together and talk about me and say what a bad mother I was! That I was too busy, that I should not have divorced their (abusive) father and so he married again, adopted three extra kids, and that cut deeply into their father’s millions they hoped to inherit. I am poor because I gave up everything to make sure they had a roof over their heads. Their father stopped payments and sued to try to take them from me at one point, to raise them in his religious cult, but lost his suit. I lost the house during this time, as he stopped payments, but by then only one child was still home with me. Still, no roof over my head, and my former husband said he signed a QDRO–but didn’t–so I got no retirement funds. I had trusted him, but wow, the law–by the time I found out he didn’t sign, the statute of limitations expired. So I have no home, and four of the five are VERY nice to their father, who treated them abominably and neglected them most of his life, hoping they wll get into his will. I tried everything–emails, phone calls, tried visiting, with little response. Birthdays and Mothers days go by–I have finally given up sending gifts and have moved to a little town I can afford to barely survive in. I have two children–and my pillow gets soaked with tears as I hear gossip about me returning by strange avenues–such as through friends — that I didn’t give them the ‘right’ Christmas present growing up, or that I had a bad body odor (not from dirt, just an odor my daughter hates!), that I expected too much by expecting them to get good grades (and yet, they had lots of fun, too, as I’ve already mentioned). They did well for years, but slowly, two of the three who have rejected me, who are now in their later 30’s, are drinking too much, and they all got divorces also. I was so crushed when one daughter-in-law called me a ‘bitch’ — I loved her so much and never knew she felt that way.
    I’m sorry to write so much, just pouring it out. I was a close friend of a man wrongly accused of an important murder, and these children read about it in the papers, too, and didn’t want to be seen with me, as if I was a bad person just because this innocent man had really murdered somebody. I will move into a little house, thanks to one son, and have two grown children who love me— the other three ALSO have nothing to do with the daughter who is good to me. The son who is good to me, they accept, as he is not shy as she is, but is gregarious and vocal. He has tried to understand his siblings and their hatred of me. He says money is just plain core-important. I am poor and embarrassing to them–such as, I can’t get my hair done, and wear old clothes. I broke my back 20 years ago and recently became disabled. They said I ‘always wanted help’ — not true. I always needed help. They didn’t give me any. Now, in my weak state, two children are there for me. But the gaping hole in my heart feels like a huge, bleeding wound. I can’t believe it…all my dreams of being close, of being a loving grandmother– of taking them for walks, reading to them, playing with them as I did with their parents– instead, nothing (the two who are good to me — one has no kids yet, the other has two kids who were awarded to the one who called me ‘bitch’ and walked out of my life five years ago…r). sadly, I learned that these divorced people have total control over grand children. Grandparents have no visitation rights. I am so heart-busted i can hardly breathe. A.

  127. A. November 6, 2008 at 12:52 pm #

    Dear Luise: Sorry about the typos–I have poor vision as well–double vision from a head injury from an auto accident. My oldest daughter said she would invite me to her house sometime if I would wash my clothes first to make sure no dog hairs were on any of them (I own a black service dog, who helps me because of my poor vision). She has pure white furniture just like in Better Homes and Gardens, and doesn’t want any black hairs. Not that she would drive over to give me a ride, she is way too busy. (She flies out of town five days a week, as she is a high-powered executive in another state, but didn’t want to move!) She said I could find my way to her house, but she would only have time to see me maybe once a month. When I asked for a loan, she said I could live in public housing in a nearby slum area, and would be just fine. I swear my children weren’t abused. They were loved and adored, but their father’s religion teaches that if you are poor, God is punishing you, and they actually believe that. I’m poor due to a car wreck “God is punishing me” because I’m too old ad disabled to teach anymore, with my bad vision. I used up all my savings on medical bills, after teaching for 16 years in four different schools. My ‘pension’ is like $30 a month. I never knew my boys ‘hated’ me until after they left home! My oldest daughter — rude as she is– at least said she would allow me to sit on her couch if I made sure no black dog hairs were on my clothes. I have several close friends (they are teachers, so they don’t have much, either) and none of them would ever say I was a dirty person.
    It IS true that my oldest daughter said she was embarrassed to see me wearing ‘old clothes.’ She bought me a skirt and blouse at Target. WHY were my feelings hurt? Because she wears designer clothes? Or was it because she bought them very large, and I have lost fifty pounds? I tried to be grateful, but felt as if she did that on purpose. A.

  128. Luise November 8, 2008 at 8:37 pm #

    Dear A. I guess our kids just turn out however they do. I have seen wonderful children come out of terrible homes and very difficult ones comes out of nice homes. They just grow up and make their own choices and some of the choices they make leave us pretty bewildered. I’m glad you have your own friends to turn to and share with. Blessings, Luise

  129. Luise November 9, 2008 at 3:34 pm #

    Dear C. Remember it is your home and you have the right to choose your guests. There are other ways around it, like not being there for Thanksgiving. Or having other guests. Or you could ask him if he feels differently toward you? (If not, why would he want to visit?) If you are just a free place to stay, isn’t the price, (to you, ) too high? If you fear him, it doesn’t make any sense. Blessings, Luise

  130. Luise November 9, 2008 at 3:56 pm #

    Dear A. Turn toward the two who are supportive. You are not without love in your life and that is wonderful. Life isn’t always fair and the people we give the most to don’t always give it back. You have your loan. You have you little home. Focus on those things as much as you can before your bitterness robs you of joy and peace. No matter how unfair everything has been, self-pity can destroy you. Let the love that remains in your life heal you. Blessings, Luise

  131. Luise November 9, 2008 at 4:08 pm #

    Dear V. Thank you for pointing out that you have times when a calmness comes over you. I think that’s how healing looks for many of us when it starts. We have the experiences but if we don’t get stuck there, who we are emerges. We were good people before we took on parenting and we are still good people. There just aren’t any guarantees and some of us assumed loyalty and respect would come as a direct result of our efforts. Whatever comes…we can make it through and continue to be loyal and respectful toward ourselves. Blessings, Luise

  132. J. November 13, 2008 at 5:13 pm #

    My Son hates me. I don’t know why! He calls me a loser and has told me he dosen’t want me in his life. I have always tried to be a good mother. I taught him respect. He is 20 years old. I raised him and his sister on my own from when he was 4. His dad walked out on us and never paid any child support or kept in touch. I remarried when he was 9 and my second husband has been brilliant with them, taking on all the debts my ex husband left me with and helping raise my children as his own. My son used to idolize me until his dad made contact with him again. My son has gotten himself seriously into debt and has buried his head in the sand and refused to pay them. He took out loans in my address behind my back and defaulted. I’ve had bailiffs knocking my door and I dread the phone ringing. I made the decision to kick him out as all this worry caused me to have anxiety and I was diagnosed with depression. He has a daughter now and will not let me see her. He blames me for everything. Ideally he wants me to pay all his debts. Please help…I cant sleep or eat and I keep blaming myself and wondering where I went wrong. J.

  133. Luise November 13, 2008 at 5:56 pm #

    Dear J. See an attorney and find out how you can protect yourself, financially. And know that how you son’s life turns out if about him, not you. You did just fine and so did his step-dad. There are those who don’t want to grown up and be responsible. Blaming others is the only way they can stand themselves. Don’t buy it for a minute! Blessings, Luise

  134. N. November 14, 2008 at 9:52 am #

    I also feel the agony of an adult son (30), who has decided to shut me out of not only his life but the life of my 8 mo. old grandson. Oddly, this all pretty much began at time of my grandson’s birth. He just started saying “crazy” things to me. Like, I didn’t give him enough gifts at x-mas time last year. And, how dare I not call him on fathers day and offer to baby sit and buy him a gift certificate for Out Back restaurant. And if I’m going to buy the baby any baby clothes then they better come from Baby-R-us and not garage sales! He even told me to leave his house one day when I was over there visiting my grandson, he was mad because I was getting ready to leave (after being there for an hour or so), and he wanted me to stay till girlfriend got home (another hour), so he could go outside and visit with a friend of his. So he said “well you can just leave then”! He just called me today and hung up on me because I had asked him if he would like to come over to my house with the baby and visit awhile, but he wanted me to go to his house (which I’m not comfortable with), so I said I would prefer he came here, he them said “forget it” and hung up on me. By the way it’s 2 days before me 53rd birthday! He also had informed me that his girlfriend has been upset with me for some time now, I asked why and he replied that she did NOT appreciate my giving her a baby shower back prior to my grandson’s birth. Apparently, I embarrassed her by having her open gifts in front of the guests. Also she would have preferred someone from her own family giving her the shower. Which believe me if she had indicated any of this to me I would have graciously backed out! The list is endless and it’s only getting worse I honestly don’t know what to do anymore !! I’ve always been there for him in absolutely every way possible. I’ve actually gotten to the point that I dread his phone call or his car in my driveway for fear of another major heart break from him. Please help me, is there anything I can do? God, please help me with this terrible pain !!! N.

  135. Luise November 14, 2008 at 10:35 am #

    Dear N. This isn’t about you. It is affecting you, your hopes and your dreams…but it is about your son. Being thirty doesn’t mean he was/is ready for parenthood. How many of us really are when it comes our way? It’s a “learn-as-you-go” process. He may be frightened and feeling inadequate in his new role as a Dad. The solution…(probably not made consciously), is to criticize you as a parent to build himself up. His girlfriend, seems to be going along with it and joining in. The main thing for you to do is to wait, and to back off while you’re waiting. And please don’t look for logic in what he says and does. That’s a lost cause. He may continue to make “rules” for you to follow. Most of them won’t make sense. As hard as it is to do, turn toward other interests. They are trying to adjust and they’re having a hard time of it. When you are handy, you are the natural scapegoat. Blessings, Luise

  136. N. November 15, 2008 at 5:51 am #

    After reading your feedback I’ve given it much thought and even though the things he has said to me are extremely painful and without warrant, I will try to just “turn the other cheek” and realize that this is not about me but rather his own conflicts within himself. I have to admit this will be difficult due to the level of cruelty he dishes out to me. I don’t know how I’ll get though it all…especially with Thanksgiving, Christmas, his Birthday and my own Birthday all just around the corner. I just wish this would all go away and things there back to normal with us. I don’t know if it will ever be right with us again. How can I separate myself from my heartbreak? I just want to love him and him to love me. And I want a relationship with my Grandson and even his girlfriend, as well. I miss all of them but I’m also somewhat afraid of them, meaning I’m afraid of conflict. I hurts too much! N.

  137. Luise November 15, 2008 at 9:17 am #

    Dear N. Your heartbreak is about you. It’s about your expectations and your concept of what is “normal.” You can’t separate yourself from you. He has to grow through his issues and you have to do the same thing. That’s what life presents; issues and the opportunity to grow. It may not look like we want it to but it is ours to work through. Your values tell you the action to take. Good for you for seeing how much you value the love you feel for your son, his girlfriend and your grandson. Blessings, Luise

  138. E November 17, 2008 at 6:36 pm #

    I have been running off friends. Friends of long standing because I’m on a constant search for what I did to cause our son to treat us like he does. Over and over and to counselor and counselor. I’m still heartbroken and with all these questions to so many, I still have no idea why. I can’t spend any more money on him for therapists. I can’t run off any more friends for answers. They’re sick of hearing it. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t do this to them but I’m not them, I’m me. No more money for help. How can I live with that? I need help but no one can relate to this. Their families are perfect. Mine was till he married Mrs. God Awful, Self Centered, User, manipulator, actress.

  139. Luise November 17, 2008 at 8:00 pm #

    Dear E. We search for answers for as long as we do. Peace begins to seep into our lives when we realize there are no answers. Adult children do what they do. It is about their paths, not ours…their unilateral choices…their mistakes and lessons. Yet we often experience being “collaterally damaged” because we are related to them and we were once an integral part of their lives. Many of us have had to say “no more.” We all had lives before we became parents and we are all responsible to create lives after our children leave home. Some stay connected and some don’t. Some are kind and some aren’t. When you can…let it go and move on. Don’t make the choice to have your life be about what doesn’t work. Blessings, Luise

  140. E. November 17, 2008 at 9:31 pm #

    A silly question for me to ask but here I go: Do you think down deep, he still loves me? So pitiful that question is, I know but we were so close and so happy until her married. She pointed out every fault I have and then some. Gradually, I could tell, he looked at me anew. Do children, even grown ones still love their mother when they did once? Does that love all go away? E.

  141. Luise November 17, 2008 at 9:58 pm #

    Dear E. I don’t see that as pitiful but the answer must necessarily be different for different people because it’s probably deeply tied to our belief systems. I will tell you my story. My first born son was the most wonderful kid in the world. I could write a book about our relationship until he hit his teens. Then he became my judge and jury and I was pronounced a terrible excuse for a mother. Over the years he blew hot and cold, but it was clear that every problem he ever had to face in his life and every flaw he ever had to acknowledge in himself was my fault. I could write a book about all of that, too. Then, at age 52, when he was already a loving grandfather, he went to sleep after a great day’s work, (he was a computer wizard,) and never woke up. He hadn’t been sick and dying didn’t even wake him up. He was still curled on his side with his eyes closed. It was decided that it was sleep apnea that resulted in a heart attack or stroke. His youngest son, Ben, called and left a message on our answering machine…”Gramma Lu, Gramma Lu…call right away, something terrible has happened!” Ben is a totally together guy…a former Army Ranger and now a defense attorney. He never gets rattled. I turned to my husband and I said “Dwight is dead. Nothing else would ever make Ben leave such a message.” And the moment I said that, I heard…”I’m fine, Mom.” I did.
    I went through the days that followed knowing he was fine and of course, I was, too…if he was. No one else had any such experience. Not his wife or his kids and he loved them all, dearly. It was the mother/son thing. And I knew then what I know now…that love transcends all “stuff.” Blessings, Luise

  142. E. November 18, 2008 at 11:38 am #

    What a blessing for you…it really is an unbreakable bond when all is said and done. I just hope I can feel that too one day.

  143. Luise November 18, 2008 at 12:05 pm #

    Dar E. Your son is alive. Let gratitude help heal you. Once you fully accept that the bond is unbreakable, you can let go of the rest. Blessings, Luise

  144. J November 22, 2008 at 3:54 am #

    My word! I cannot believe I stumbled across this site!!! I guess this was the answer to my prayers (a healing process). I was brought up in a broken home and so wanted to do it all so differently with my son. When my son was a year old, his father had an affair, which led to a speedy divorce. I did not want to reconcile with him, so I immediately filed for divorce and never looked back. At the age of 16, my son decided to live with his father (only after an argument). Throughout my son’s life, his father has tried on numerous occasions to persuade him to live with him, my son refused. He bought him everything a child could ask for, did not discipline him at all, and constantly went against anything that I instilled in my son. I, on the other hand, gave him everything he needed and a lot of what he wanted and was the disciplinary parent. But, it seems that no matter how much love I gave him or how much I had to sacrifice to give him more, my son wants sabotage any progress I made. He seems to enjoy hurting me and has recently been lying to his friends about what a bad mother I was, and that he’s tried to contact me and I won’t have anything to do with him. Actually, it is I, who has tried on several occasions to contact him (he will not answer my calls). In the past when we did speak briefly, all he would say is that he didn’t want to talk to me until all the court stuff was over. For the past 18 years, his father has taken me back and forth to court; from lowering his child support to, joint custody, to more visitation, to child abuse and the list goes on and on. He used every trick in the book to get custody of my son. The games that go on are getting very old; my son’s father seems to get pleasure out of antagonizing me after all these years. It was a combination of regret and revenge (according to his family members) that led my ex-husband to use my son as a weapon to get back at me. He’s tried everything possible to cause me and my husband turmoil, but with no success; so guess what, the only tool he had left was my son. Yet, in my son’s eyes, his father was the one who was idolized and I was to blame for every bad situation that happened or is happening in his life. It was only when my son and I butted heads constantly over him being dishonest, that ended in him deciding to live with his father. This is when his father won the battle! He was able to poison my son with his lies to the point that my son will not speak to me. Although it’s very painful, I am finally accepting the fact that I will never have a relationship with my son as long as his father has control over his life or until he matures. So keeping him separate from my life is the only way I can avoid the pain of his hurtful lies. God Bless you wonderful Mothers out there. All I can say is pray for strength! God will prevail!!! J.

  145. Luise November 22, 2008 at 10:11 am #

    Dear J.: The idea that our children at any age can be used as weapons is not new but it is the height of abuse. They can’t see through it and are not wise, as yet. It can’t help but do irreversible damage. How sad.
    Blessings, Luise

  146. J. November 25, 2008 at 10:48 pm #

    Thank you Luise for the response, with that said, I feel that I’ve made the right choice by separating myself from that situation (just to keep my sanity). A mother’s love will never die for their children, but at some point, we do have to let go. I look at my son’s picture everyday and tell him I love him, I pray for him everyday, and last but not least, I pray that the Lord will love my ex-husband for me, because I couldn’t. Again, Thank you. J.

  147. R. December 20, 2008 at 5:31 pm #

    Thank you for this wonderful, healing site. I typed in “Why does a son hate his mother” in Google; was stunned with the result. I shed a tear, I must confess.
    My eldest son was 19 when I left a violent, abusive marriage. Guess from that day on he started to hate me (with a lot of help from his father whom he then adored)); I struggled for years to try & repair the damage.
    We had a great relationship when he was young, I loved him dearly, as I did the other 2 boys. His obsession to turn his brothers against me just about destroyed me. Fortunately one refused to listen & the other came around years ago. He said “You have to work things out for yourself Mum” My eldest son is nearly 48 now. I decided to move on 3 years ago. His hatred of me is soul destroying but sometimes we are not meant to have answers to some things; this is one of them.None of us are perfect mothers but we all “do our best” with what we have.
    My friends tell me how lucky I am to have the other two. Each day I give thanks for that, I am indeed grateful as this has helped me through some pretty terrible times. It goes against everything we are taught to have a son hate us but somehow amongst the ashes we struggle to find a graceful & peaceful life, concentrating on those that love us; not those that don’t. R.

  148. Luise December 28, 2008 at 1:53 pm #

    Dear R. Yes, sons who are OK with us let us know that we’re OK. It’s terribly hard to accept such a terrible loss but to stay sane, we have to do that and keep on keeping on. Blessings, Luise

  149. J. December 30, 2008 at 10:47 am #

    Dear Luise and Hello all, I love this site. Thank you so much. Before this site I felt alone and quilty. This site has helped me move on and let him be him. Since I last wrote he has refused my seeing his son or wife. His wife used to go behind his back and send me pictures, etc. He made it clear to me she would stop. No telling what he said to her. I feel so sorry for her but they are her choices.
    I have a question: Do daughters do this too or is it just sons? Some of my friends think he will grow out of it. I know better. He is 33 and actually growing more into it. Each year it got worst. This is the first year I have not sent gifts, called etc. during the holidays. I not only need to honor his wishes but my trying to contact him makes it worst. I also think he needs to be responsible for his hurtful words. If he doesn’t want me in his life than I shouldn’t be in it for him or me. I know all of this in my head and every couple of months I need to come here and know it in my gut and heart too. Thanks, J.

  150. E. December 31, 2008 at 7:09 pm #

    Hi J………

    I could have written your post verbatim, only I am not allowed to see my Granddaughter. We do have to honor our son’s wishes, after many years of “trying”, I have finally realized that I am like a doggy chasing my tail. Until he wants me in his life their is nothing I can do to change things except pray for him and that I do. “If you love someone enough let them go, if they return they are yours, if they don’t they never were” Please keep in touch…E.

  151. R. January 28, 2009 at 6:04 pm #

    Dear Luise: Thank you so much for responding to me(5657). I love this site; realize I’m not alone with this heartbreaking problem. Since I last wrote things have taken a tricky turn. My eldest son (who hates me) has become very friendly with my second son. They had a falling out many years ago due to his really bad behavior when my youngest son had a serious accident. They have patched it up in recent times but as both live in different parts of the country, meetings were sporadic. Now my eldest son is manipulating his brother as I have taken his pleasure away by cutting loose three years ago. My second son wants me to send birthday presents & cards to my eldest boy’s teenage children. They are eighteen; sixteen; I haven’t had contact in that time. They are lovely but I fear they have been “got at” – I’m sure, actually. I have been rebuilding my life, my health has improved enormously (chronic fatigue)I even have a gorgeous little poodle! And, I have found this site! I don’t know what to do here as I feel my son is a bit like a stalker – he can charm the birds out of the trees. He is a high-flier; works in finance, is a kind; loving father; husband. I’m pleased with that – I wish I could stop him hating me, but you see, I can’t. Should I contact his children? I really feel confused. R.

  152. Luise January 29, 2009 at 9:50 am #

    Dear R.: I think it would be a good idea to tell your other son that you aren’t willing to discuss it with him…any of it…ever and then stick to your guns. There’s a chance he will pass on your conversations to his brother and that will create what is called “triangulation.” You don’t need the “he said/she said game” no matter how well intended. Wait. If your grandchildren want to contact you, they will. And if and when they do, set up the same rules. You are doing very well. Keep up the good work…there is life after parenting! Blessings, Luise

  153. Rosemary February 2, 2009 at 6:24 pm #

    Dear Luise: Thank you for your insight. I am standing firm, saying nothing. I am marching to a different drum now. Feel heaps more peaceful now I am not on the roller coaster – its a good place to be. Thought the photo of you and your son was lovely, so pleased you put it up. Thanks again for your encouragement. I do appreciate it. R.

  154. Luise February 2, 2009 at 6:36 pm #

    Dear R.: You’re welcome. If you have read all of the posts under “My Son Hates Me” you know that I have “been there and done that.” My eldest son, who passed away eight years ago from sleep apnea, thought I was the world’s worse mom and my younger son, who designed my website and who’s picture you saw with my bio, thinks I am the world’s best mom. I am probably neither! Blessings, Luise

  155. K. February 5, 2009 at 3:26 am #

    Dear Luise: In desperation I turned to the internet. My son is an only child. His father and I divorced when he was about 13years old due to his father’s dalliance with the 17 year old baby sitter.My son is now 37 and due to be married in two days. His partner is a wonderful girl and she and I have a great relationship. From the time I seperated from my ex husband I have worked to create a life that my son could enjoy and inherit. He works with me as my General Manager of my company and excels in his position. My company is now worth a significent amount of money, yet he abuses me on a daily basis, is aggressive towards me and any problems that the company has he blames and berates me. My heart breaks because I did this all for him.I love him unconditionally. Yet..he seems to despise me. With two days to go to his wedding I feel that he would be happier if I did not go which of course is out of the question. His father who has done nothing for my son over the last 24years (is flying over for the wedding with his now wife the ex baby sitter) which seems completely acceptable to my son. I just need to ask why does my son hate me? My business has made him a wealthy man!I have always loved him and put him first. I am suffering from an illness at present which my son does not and will not acknowledge, instead he berates me for it. Help. K.

  156. J. February 5, 2009 at 8:49 am #

    Comment to K. I remember the first time I wrote and how anxious I was to hear back from anyone. I am certainly not Luise with her wisdom but I feel your pain. Let me say first and loudly: You do not deserve this! This is NOT normal. It is HIS problem.
    Now on to my thoughts about your situation: It’s unusual to read about the work connection but here you so have the upper hand. If it was me I would have a meeting with him and advise him that he no longer had permission to treat me like “family” in the office and if he couldn’t treat me with respect he needed to treat my position with respect. That he was being formally advised that he was on a probation for ____ months and that it would be reviewed at that time. And during the probation there would be certain insubordination that would result in an immediate dismissal. That from this day forward you will treat him as you do any other valued employee in the company and that you hope your business association will continue for a long time but that his behavior in the office will determine the outcome amd that you as the owner would be the person making that determination. Have him sign it like you would any one. You might even suggest he take the rest of the day off to think about things and that you look forward to a new day of mutual respect in the morning. Then stick to it. I can’t help but think his behavior is causing all sorts of under lying problems with co workers not appreciating how he treats you. J.
    You didn’t build a company being weak and there is no good reason to accept his behavior any place but this is your company.
    I think you ought to trust your business sense here and the rest will follow. I’m not saying he will change, my son never has, I’m saying the pain will stop. Yes, stop. It’s replaced by a saddness for the situation but the pain is gone.

  157. J. February 5, 2009 at 9:10 am #

    Dear K, again: For me….a lot of the pain that I mentioned would be gone was the embarrassment, quilt and perceived responsibility I had was about my anger and bewilderment about my allowance of it. I didn’t just dislike his behavior, I disliked my behavior. As I learned to stop in various ways I noticed that the more I didn’t allow the less power he had over me. In other words, I played a major role in allowing or handing over my power. The good news about that realization was I DID have control over myself. I quit keeping the secret about my bad or no relationship with my son. Now when people ask me if I have children….I say simply yes one son. If for some reason there needs more explanation I say that my son and I are estranged which is working for both of us. People don’t inquire further and I’ve found that they often will share similiar family estrangements. Every family or extended family has something for some reason. My family and friends seldom bring him up as they are more than disgusted with his behavior towards me. They are happy to see me not miserable any more. J.

  158. Luise February 5, 2009 at 6:05 pm #

    Dear K,: I agree with J. regarding separating business from family and requiring dignity and respect in the workplace. I believe I would check with an attorney, first, to be sure I took the right steps in the right order. Your son has a right to fire you as his “Mom.” You have the right to fire him as a dysfunctional and disruptive member of the firm. Blessings, Luise

  159. B. February 11, 2009 at 12:17 pm #

    Dear Luise, How amazing it was to find this site and all the other Moms suffering like I am. Maybe it was God’s answer to my prayers for help, that at least, I no longer feel so alone with my situation with my son who is my oldest child. My precious son, who is in the military, is a high achiever, and tends to be a perfectionist, unleashed on me after spending a week with us over the Christmas holidays because I suggested he needed to see a doctor as he was so sick. He seemed to go into a rage and I haven’t seen or had any communication with him since he left, without saying goodbye, on December 27, 2008. I wrote him an email and told him that I was sorry for whatever I had done to cause him to be so angry with me and that I was sorry for anything I had ever done in his life to cause this kind of anger against me. I have heard nothing from him. My heart is broken. I only knew he was physically feeling so bad and I wanted him to get some help. (He did see a doctor a few days later and texted his Dad that he waa diagnosed with strep throat.) My son is 28 years old, has been deployed to the war in the desert twice. I have been there to see him off, each time, and I have been there to wait for him to step off the plane when he returned. I sent packages filled with treats and things I thought he would use and make him feel loved and make him feel a little closer home. I love him so very much. I prayed for him, asked others at our church to remember him in their prayers – and they did just that-, for which he has never said thank you. He has two failed marriages under his belt. The first one lasted two years, to the day, of their marriage, the second lasted about six weeks. He is now dating a wonderful, Christian girl, who seems to have stopped communicating with me/us now, as well. I just don’t know what I’ve done to cause this kind of anger and hatred. I’ve only loved him more than my own life. He was raised in a loving, stable, Christian home. His Dad is just as bewildered by his behavior as I am, but clearly, his rage is directed at me, not his Dad or anyone else, just me. It seems I am the one to receive the blame for disappointments in his career and his difficulties with his personal relationships. I think he has difficulty getting along with others he works with in the Air Force, as well as his personal relationships. I love my son. My heart is broken over our broken relationship and over what? I just don’t know what I’ve done, except love and care for him. We lost our baby boy 14 years ago and this feels so much like I’ve lost another son. The grief and pain is real again. Thank you for letting me share. May God bless us all. B.

    • Luise February 11, 2009 at 12:45 pm #

      Dear B. Usually when this kind of thing happens, any small thing can set it off. Your son was ready to blow…more than ready. It’s useless to try to make any sense of it and a total waste of energy to try to figure out what you have done. (Probably nothing.) Your son has difficult issues in getting along with others. It often works well to find someone to blame. Who better than the person closest to him since birth? Surely if you had done things right, he’d be having the time of his life. Right? Growing up can be very, very hard. The military expects a lot of it’s men…as do wives. Most little boys adore their moms and grow up thinking they can do no wrong. The break from dependency to being independent isn’t easy. Skills have to be acquired and there can be endless bumps in the road. My guess is that your son still has a lot to learn. Remember when you were 28? How much did you know? How much did you think you knew? Wait. Leave him alone and wait. I know that sounds awful but this isn’t about you, it’s about him. It’s his path. He may come back to you. It’s his choice. Blessings, Luise

  160. Luise February 24, 2009 at 10:33 pm #

    2-24-09 – This comment from “D.” was accidentally deleted and then retrieved.

    Question: Dear Luise: I have been reading all the above… and my heart goes out to all of you. Yet in my selfish way, I too would like to tell my story… boring as it might be. I would like feedback, good or bad… if bad.. I can handle it. I need it. I have to resolve this thing or go nuts. So, here goes: I have 3 sons ages 21, 30, and 31. 6 years ago I lost my daughter… she would get mad at me for not letting her do what she wanted. I set out rules. She called the police on me and falsely accused me of child abuse 3 times. The 3rd time took. I was handcuffed, finger printed… photoed… and spent the night in jail. That was not painful enough… my 2nd son had already left me because he did not want to help me by babysitting his sister after school until I got home. Divorced. Single Parent. My 1st Son had a great mind. He went to Medical school and became a Doctor. 2 weeks ago I was Allowed to babysit my grand-daughter. 2nd time in the 2 years and 2 months of her life. I later found out my daughter-in law’s family were not available. Anyway… (I am trying to keep this short). That night I had the baby in bed when the phone rang. I went to answer but by the time I found it in the kitchen they had hung up. I thought… wow… I need to have a piece of paper and pen in case someone else calls… After all… my son is a Dr. and it might be an emergency. The piece of paper I found on the counter was a receipt for items donated to Goodwill. At that time in my heart I was so proud of them. Then the list became familiar. This is the list of everything that I gave them (including my grand-daughter) for Christmas. I am not of the social and financial status as my son. I waited 2 weeks to ask. One night I just had to know why everything I gave them went to Goodwill. I called my son at nine PM.
    I said “this is hard. I don’t even know where to start… BUT I was not being nosy when I saw the Goodwill donation.. and it was everything I gave your family for Christmas… what is the deal?” He replied “I don’t know what you are talking about. 2 minutes he called me back (obviously in another room) and said to me: “How ___ing dare you call me at this hour about something so petty. Don’t ever call me again and you will never see me again. And, you will never see your grand-daughter again… and your grand-daughter that my wife is pregnant with right now, you will never lay eyes on her. And you know what… when you die… none of your kids will be at your funeral… because we all Hate you.” WOW… can anyone tell me what I did to deserve this? I know that I should have never seen the list…but it was in plain sight. I am now wondering if that was not intentional! D.

  161. Luise February 24, 2009 at 10:52 pm #

    Answer: Dear D.: Education isn’t everything, is it? You didn’t do anything to deserve that except ask a question. Perhaps it was unwise to confront him but if he was that ready to attack you, my guess is that any small thing you might have said or done could and would have been used as justification for war, eventually. I doubt that he can speak for your other kids. You will just have to wait and see. We don’t get to vote when this kind of thing happens. It’s a unilateral decision based on emotions, not logic. We do have to comply because it’s not possible to have a relationship with someone who won’t relate back. Hold your head up high and go on. You have a lot more class than the “classy doc” does! Blessings, Luise

  162. L. March 2, 2009 at 2:26 pm #

    Help me, my son is almost 18. I love him more than life itself. He is my world. I also have two other children who are younger. I was just 18 when I had my son. He has been brought up in a loving, happy family. Five years ago I lost my mum. 3 years later my dad. I always had support from my parents with all my children but now I feel have none. My husband is good. He has brought up my son for the last 18 years. When my son was 8, we told him that he was adopted by my husband. They were always close. A year ago my son met his real dad, who is taking interest in him, but my son seems to have got with the wrong group of friends. He has started to talk down to me in front of my family. He belittles me and has no respect to how I’m feeling. I feel like I am something he just stepped in. I’m not sure why he is doing it, as all I have done is loved him. I am now at the end of my tether. I feel alone. I feel I would be better with my parents than here. L.

  163. A. March 3, 2009 at 7:05 pm #

    Friends….This is their sickness, not yours. My son is 44 and has been cruel to me in every way since the age of 13. I suffer every day because of him. If I had to do it again, I would have ended my relationship with him when he turned 21. I was abused as a child and was determined that my child would never know the pain of being unloved. I devoted my life to him, while at the same time, tried to teach him to get along without me. His father was a woman hater who was very disrespectful to his mother. The father is dead now and, of course he is now a saint. Of all the horrible crimes I’ve committed, divorcing my son’s dad was the worst. The man was a brute who acted nice when his son was around. My son now has HIV and uses it as his latest weapon. I’ve tried to hang on, in case he needs me to take care of him. But I can’t take anymore and I think he will have to die alone, just as I will. He is the one who has made these ugly choices all these years. Between my abusive, alcoholic family and my abusive son, I can only hope I won’t have to live much longer. I hope those of you who are younger won’t live with this for 44 years. Your sons are using your fears of abandonment, in addition to your love for them. I know all of you are good mothers, just as I know that I was a good mother. I made my mistakes. Sometimes, I lost my temper and always apologized. I believed that parents should respect their children and that the children would then return that respect. This is probably true with normal children, but not with the wilfull narcissists that we have either raised or been burdened with. My son just called. I cringe when I know it’s him on the phone. Glory be! He is in a good mood. No fight. No ugly comments. No hate today. Next time, who knows? A.

  164. Luise March 4, 2009 at 10:13 am #

    Answer: Dear L.: The way you ended your comment tells me that you need help yourself before we look at what your son is doing. You still have other children to raise, your work isn’t done and having an acting-out teenager isn’t the end of the world. (Or shouldn’t be.) You need to see a counselor immediately to deal with you depression or despair or whatever it is that is making you not want to go on. I never respond to those kind of comments. You need a professional. Blessings, Luise

  165. Luise March 4, 2009 at 10:22 am #

    Answer; Dear A.: I agree with you that there should be “life after parenting” and that we are the only ones who can draw the line. Those who do the damage may be damaged themselves, but that is no excuse for perpetuating the pathology. Hurting us doesn’t help them. Blessings, Luise

  166. J. March 9, 2009 at 4:20 am #

    Hi everyone. I read a lot of the stories and I saw my story in a lot os them. I however have been trying to see what exactly happen to me that I pass to my son. Not that gives him the right to accuse me, hate and disrespect me the way he is doing and have been doing, but in order to forgive myself of any wrong doing and him so I can move on without hating him or making myself miserable, I decided to investigate possibilities. I was raised by a mother that in my opinion did not like me and spend 47 yrs of my life not really having a talking to her much. I wanted but it was very hard, she never really look for me… never really care in my opinion and I did pass this feelings to my kids. I did talk bad about my mother to my kids. Today, my mother is very sick, she is going through a very tuff time, she asked to see me, I wen and in 2 seconds I was ok with her. All I needed was for her to want me. Now, she does and I am ok with that, but my kids, do not understand that. I never separated them from the grandmother. NEVER. They lover her and she learn to love them slowly. No, my SON. MY EX, and it seam that we are always single parents. Yes, my ex, was an irresponssible, drug user, that use to say to me:” leave the kids alone, they are like chikens, if you leave them in the pation they will survive” Sorry I am Brazililian and the translaton might not be perfect. Anyhow, My ex, for 15 yrs when we were married DID NOT CARE. To say no was too complicated, to say yes, was to give too much, to discipline was not necessary, an so on. He was a bull shi…NOW, as you can see, I not only did not talk to my mother, and had and irresponssible, selfish father for my kids, but we moved her to USA from Brazil. Now, in Brazil, I had mades and my friends around, my sisters…. Here, I had to cook, clean, learn how and not family and friends. At least I was a LEGAL IMMIGRANT! But, I could not work outside the house right away, I had to adjust the kids and I my son was 7 and my daughter, 3. I AM SURE IT WAS HARD TO MY SON EVENTHOUGH HE DID NOT SHOW. Any how, to make the story short, I think he feels that since I took the spot of the guardian, the protector and I was the only one, I should be perfect. To him, it did not matter, what happen to me, my difficulties, my hard times. He was a kid. He was hurt. He was scared to move, eventhough he never said or show a thing, he was said that his dad did not care, he was for sure gelous of his sister that was home all day with me, but he knew that what he was feeling was wrong so he blamed himself. I am sure. He never told me, but I know. He acted out. In the top of all that, me and his dad, we had terrible fights, yelling and screaming at each other. I was always the disciplinary, I was always the one to say no. I HAD TO. I knew, that I was taking chances, but for me it was more important to make sure he would be a descent, independet and strong human being. I WASN’T PERFECT, I MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES, BUT I ALWAYS LOVED HIM AND I ALWAYS WILL BUT I WILL NEVER ALLOWE HIM TO PUT ME DOWN FOR RAISED HIM THE WAY I DID. LIFE IS TUFF, IT IS NOT PERFECT, I HAD VERY TUFF TIMES, I MOVED COUNTIRES, I DID NOT HAVE A MOTHER IN MY LIFE THAT LOVED ME ALL MY LIFE, AND STILL IT TOOK ME 1 SECOND TO BE THERE FOR HER, I BECAME DEPRESS, 350 POUNDS, ALONE IN THIS WORLD, WORKING 2 JOBS AND STILL MAKING MINIMUM WAGE SINCE THE FATHER DID NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT FOREVER, I LOST THE HOUSE, THE CAR, JOBS. I HAD TO CLEAN VERY DIRTY TOILLETS TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE AND KEEP MY SON IN PRIVATE SCHOOL. AND, I WAS RAISED IN A WEALTHY FAMILY… SO IT WAS REALLY SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR ME TO DO ALL THAT BUT I DID NOT THINK TWICE. I TOOK WHAT IT WAS OFFERED. I WAS NOT PERFECT BUT I DID MY BEST.
    My son is graduatting college in April, and said he will celebrate with his girlfriend’s family. How funny is that? I am not involved. I was not even told or asked. I do not like his girlfriend, but I lost some respect for my son, since he is the one allowing this to happen. He still by the way, with 23 yrs old, wantting me to pay for his car, car insurance and health insurance, INDEFINITLEY, since he has no idea how and when he will be able to support himself 100% and I WILL NOT DO THAT. After all, that is exactly what I was running from when I left his dad. My son may hate me. He may never talk or see me again. So be it. I am here open arms. And son he is now, but father he will be one day. It is the story of the world. Even God was not able to control Adam and Eve, but God said NO. Ladies, do not feel so bad. I know it is hard. But I am sure the sons have some reason in their hearts that we really missed but if we are strong and let them know that perhaps we missed, they may understand. If they do not, I agree we one lady that said. Lets give our love in the mean time there is, to another child that it is in need, but keep the arms open to your sons, the heart and the mind. Through the anger, the sadness, and hurt in the trash. Lots of love. ALL WE NEED IS LOVE, LALALALALAL. ALL WE NEED IS LOVE. LALLALALLA

    • Luise March 9, 2009 at 7:18 am #

      Answer: Dear J. You are right. It is always more complicated than most of us realize. Our lives are layered with our experiences and our perceptions of those experiences shift on a daily basis. Yet, we keep putting one foot in front of the other and we learn, don’t we? How wonderful that you have experienced the beauty of forgiveness. You and your mother are pioneers. You let go in an instant and found what you both wanted. And you ended your post with a strong statement about having a great job. My hat goes off to you! Blessings, Luise

  167. marlene April 9, 2009 at 6:55 pm #


  168. T. April 17, 2009 at 10:23 am #

    Dear Luise: My oldest son is married with two sons but his wife doesn’t want me around. The house they are living in is the one I signed over to them when my mom died. Now that they have what they want, I am no longer welcomed around there. His wife is controlling and hateful. My son has allowed this behavior to escalate for 9 years and doesn’t stand up to her at all. I raised him to have respect and taught him to love God. I just don’t know what to do about this besides pray and hope he grows up. T.

    • Luise April 17, 2009 at 3:52 pm #

      Dear T.: This type of situation is so strange but it is much more common than I ever suspected. You’re right, we need to hope and pray and in the meantime, find a way t have a fulfilling life. Not easy, as least not for me. Blessings, Luise

  169. T. May 1, 2009 at 6:06 am #

    I am so glad that I found this website. I was a single parent of a son for many years until I met my current husband. My son was 11 years old when we got married. My husband has always treated him as if he was his own blood. My son’s father has never been there for him and I know that there is resentment towards his DAD and he takes out that resentment on my husband. My husband and I have owned our own Company for 16 years and always wanted our son to be a part of it. We have hired and fired him twice for unacceptable behavior. My son is biopolar, smokes pot, takes pills and drinks excessively. Last year my son and his wife gave birth to my grandson(one and only) I kept him at my office for three months to help them save money and mainly because I wanted to be around him. I was even in the labor/delivery room which was my daughter-in-law and son’s idea. My husband wanted to re-hire my son after the baby was born because he wanted a better life for our grandson. We also thought our son had changed. It lasted 3 months and my husband fired him again. My son looked at me and said if I allowed my husband to fire him, I would never see him or my grandson again. I haven’t talked to my son or seen my grandson in almost a year. I missed his first Christmas, Birthday, Easter, etc. I have been devasted. I almost committed suicide a few months ago until I finally went to counseling and a pschiatrist. I have never been through anything so dramatic. I am learning that he is the one with the problem, not me. My mother, who is a mentally abusive mother, blames me and my husband which has caused major conflict for my entire family. I have learned through therapy that I have to stay safe and put myself first. This is hard since I have always tried hard to make everyone else happy except me. One way my counselor put it “If you are on an airplane and you lose cabin pressure, they always say if you are traveling with a child, put the oxygen mask on yourself first” This makes sense….if you don’t take care of yourself first, you can’t help anyone else. I have good days and bad days. I miss my son, even though my hurt towards him has become more angry. It is my grandchild who is going to suffer because he is the weapon my son is using to get back at me. I had great memories of my childhood with my grandparents. My grandson is missing that relationship. He is the one that is being hurt, especially when he gets older. My mother and I don’t speak anymore because she tries to blame me and tells me I should call and apologize to my son for firing him. T.

    • Luise May 1, 2009 at 4:30 pm #

      Dear T.: You and your husband have done everything possible to be supportive under circumstances that are way beyond difficult. Unfortunately, doors are being closed and people are being hurt because of your son’s behavior. For you to be blamed for all of that doesn’t make any sense at all and to punish a child is cruel. You have acted wisely and generously and that’s all you can do. Blessings, Luise

  170. J. June 25, 2009 at 10:27 pm #

    I may sound like a broken record but I need some ‘Mother’ advice from you girls. I have a son age 29 who lives 1200 miles away. He was undergoing chemo at the time and since I am retired I figured it would be good for me to be close. He said he found a house to rent that would be good for us both to stay in. Rent was fairly descent so no problem. But then his 21 year-old girlfriend moved in too. Neither of them made any contribution to anything and I was continuously paying all the bills. Mind you they both were full time employed. So I sat down and asked them to pay the small utility bills, buy their own food (they mostly ate out), and contribute 100 toward the rent. They agreed and 2 weeks later moved out. Sent me a text message to my phone stating it was to financially hard for them. They make more money than my retirement pay. So last week son came to me happier than a lark. Told me he got this great new job making more money. Great, but then he needed 3000 dollars because he was going to be working as a contractor and needed some items (tools, ladders, and a rack for the truck and some other things) I was reluctant but felt sorry. You know, the old I will pay you back. So I made out a contract and am holding the title for his vehicle until this debt is paid. Well here it is, tonight I came down ill and asked him to take me to the ER. I felt dizzy and did not feel safe to drive. The ER is about 20 minutes drive. He texts me back and said he couldn’t do it because he was tired and had to go to work in 9 hours time. Nice! Now my emotional side has kicked in and I’m ready to tell him to stop using me and stay the heck out of my life. I feel he and his girlfriend scammed me to come out here. (Moving is not cheap) on the pretense that I would pay for everything and their money go to fun. Bull….. It is not going to happen. Am I being unreasonable??? Is this my irrational/emotional side taking over??? Mom’s let me know your feedback because I am feeling like pond scum. J.

    • Luise June 26, 2009 at 9:02 am #

      Dear J.: You could get more comments on your question if you took it to my Web-Forum:
      where discussions are held on subjects like you have presented. I would comment as well. Blessings, Luise

  171. K. July 19, 2009 at 9:11 am #

    I thought I was the only one that had problems with my son’s, until I read this. My 31 yr. old son is always sending me horrible text messages, calling me names, and calling me cursing me. My son is married to a 40 yr. old woman that rules his life, she controls him in everyway possible, and he has a 9 yr. old daughter from his first marriage that he hasn’t seen in 1 yr, but if he contacts his daughter its a threat to his wife. I’ve decide after all he’s said and done to me, we are through. I would never talk to my sweet mom the way he has to me. K.

    • Luise July 22, 2009 at 10:24 am #

      Dear K: Please bring your issue over to my web-Forum: You can copy and paste your question there and besides my response, you will get the benefit of interacting with others. Blessings, Luise

  172. L. July 25, 2009 at 2:35 pm #

    Hi, My son and daughter in law have 2 children. The 1st has been found developmentally handicapped, as far as disabilities. Just crawled at age 13 mos, but is a delight to be around and a joy. Just spoke to my son more physical therapy for the child. My son is saying that he is the reason the child is the way he is because my son is disabled, and asked me why I didn’t tell him? He is not disabled, and that’s why. I have all of his report cards, and things from him growing up. The only deficiency he had was a little slower in math than the rest. He also said that it was his Dad’s fault too, because he is paralyzed on half of his face, (this was done by forcips) this has nothing to do with being handicapped. How do I deal with this situation, when my daughter in law and her family are telling him these things? Thank You for any input. L.

    • Luise July 26, 2009 at 8:34 pm #

      Dear L.: I don’t know of any way you can change the mind-sets of others. Your DIL’s family is so far off base and so cruel. Obviously they believe the problem is inherited and are terrified they are to blame.
      Your son is the fall-guy.

      You can advise your son that they are not medical people and that you would be happy to go to the Dr. with him to reinforce the fact that he is not and never was retarded and didn’t cause this tragedy. Help him get the answers he needs to move forward with his child and get past the misinformation he is being given. Blessings, Luise

  173. L. August 10, 2009 at 6:14 pm #

    Over three years ago my son just stopped communicating with everyone in the family. He has moved out of state and will not acknowledge any of us. We never fought or had harsh words…nothing. This has been a nightmare. At one point, I did not know if he was alive or dead until his sister found him on a networking site. I did try to contact him 2 years ago and he told me that this is the way it is and hung up on me. He has missed the birth of his nephew and his sister’s wedding. It is as if he is ashamed of us. His sister insinuates it is my fault, that there was too much “drama” with the family. All families have drama and there was nothing out of the ordinary with ours. Please help me, I do blame myself, but I don’t know why my son left and why he is so ashamed of us. L.

    • Luise August 11, 2009 at 1:46 pm #

      Answer: Dear L. Please come over to my web-Forum: where we have a strong support group focused around issues with our adult children. I have found great solace in the company of wise and weary web-friends I have made there. Accepting guilt in often unhealthy and unrealistic. Sometimes it simply isn’t our fault. You would know if there had been any major trauma. And life is full of drama…always. Blessings, Luise

  174. L. August 13, 2009 at 9:20 pm #

    I’ve been borderline on my son hating me. I guess what I’ve found is that communication is important. When I am blamed, I debate back and find at a later date his attitude is cooled down, like one foot forward and one foot back. I do add a disciplinary remark when he crosses the line, such as, you are not a very understanding person, well, do you want me gone, and so, you’ve never done anything wrong, and, if you had listened to me, you would have passed form 7. In the past I have been inactive in communicating such as feelings, etc… where kids come up with the communications first and don’t really know how a parent feels, so they may assume. The old school was not very expressive of emotion, such as I’ve missed you. I’m trying a mixture of ensuring my son knows I love him and him knowing my boundaries where when he crosses them, he receives debate and a knock back. I then say that’s not very nice when he doesn’t want his mother and I’m glad I did the things you are angry about because you obviously deserved it. It’s not just my kids I love, I love myself too. And if he hates me, I hate him. L.

    • Luise August 15, 2009 at 7:22 am #

      Answer: Dear L. You make a lot of sense and I hope a lot of people read your post. However, I would suggest that you reverse your final statement to: “I am teaching him that he can hate what I do without hating me…by example. I hate what he does without hating him. Blessings, Luise

  175. N. August 21, 2009 at 7:23 pm #

    My son is single, 34 years old and hates his mother. About eight years ago, he suddenly became angry at me. When I spoke to him, he was very curt and irate. The last time before he estranged himself from me (two years ago), I had phoned him to say I was stopping by in a few minutes to give him something and he said okay. When I got there his door was opened and I called his name, walked into the house because he didn’t answer, finally after I called for him inside, he stormed out of a room, yelled at me he had a rifle/gun in the there and what was I doing there, etc. I was terrified and did not know what to think or say. Soon afterwards, I stopped by his house to give him his Christmas present, he did not answer, later I found out he had hid in his house, pretending he wasn’t there. I became pregnant and married his father at 18 and after enduring emotional and mental abuse; I left his father when my son was 3. I naively my husband have visits with him (this was before did anything legal for custody) and one day he called me and told me he was keeping him and I would never see my son again. My ex-husband did this to hurt me; he had never taken much interest in caring for our son before this. To make a long story short, I lost custody of him. But over the years, I worked up visitation to the point that by his pre-teens he was spending more time with me than his custodial parent. I worked at a low paying job and often did without to do things such as; buy him new clothes (his were often ragged), books, took him places, did things he liked, took him to Cub Scouts etc. He was so important to me. When he was 12, I remarried and had two daughters. He has always been rather self-centered, did not show much interest in his sisters, or anything going on with me (I had breast cancer when he was 20). When my mother was dying of cancer last year, he refused to visit her (because I was there) until my niece, that he had been close to as a child, talked him into it, however Mother had already gone into a coma. He has had a variety of jobs, at one point he was out of work and needed a place to stay so I told him he could stay with us; he was here a year, expense free (and did very little I asked him to do). He had an injury at work and I took him and stayed when he had surgery, without any thanks from him. He always wanted his own business; he has had several over the years, which I have always be supportive. I found out (on-line) he has had several lawsuits against him for not paying loans, credit cards, etc. Even his father sued him, (probably loaned him money for to buy his house0. In each case, did not appear in court or answer his door when served. So he lost all the cases. I don’t understand how he got that kind of arrogance; I have always paid off things or done without. I have a document that I needed some information from him to list him as one of my beneficiaries. When I told my husband about that he told me I shouldn’t because of the way my son has treated me. My daughters told me I shouldn’t because of the things he says about me (about a year ago one of them visited him). So today, I marshaled all my courage and went to his shop. He told me to leave; that he wanted nothing to do with me because I had beat him as a child, saying he would wake up at night in fear for his life. I told him that was untrue; that he was remembering incorrectly, yes I spanked him and disciplined him, but I did not beat him. He told me that I had a short memory and my whole family knows that I’m an evil person. I did my best of what I could do; I’m not a perfect parent. I told him there were some things I never told him from the divorce, that I did not abandon him. He told me that his father abandoned (and was mentally ill), but I was worse. He also told me he has nothing to do with his father’s family. The only one he talks to is one of my brothers, barely. He told me he did not want to be one of my beneficiaries, not to have anything to do with him, he was happy now not to have me (and apparently a lot of other people) as family. I left telling him I loved him and if he ever needed anything I would be there for him. He said he had a business to run, called me by my first name to and told me to get out. I went to my car and sobbed as I drove away, I drove for about an hour contemplating on why such a horrible evil person like me should live. I have been crying for hours, I am so crushed and hurt. I guess I am in mourning, besides thinking that my family (brothers and sisters, etc.) believes what he said about me. I need to move on and focus on my daughters, what else can I do? I’m sorry to have taken up so much room. It has helped a lot to write and to read of others and know that I am not alone. Thank-you. N.

    • Luise August 22, 2009 at 7:41 am #

      Dear N. Please come over to my web-Forum at: where we share and care regarding adult children issues. Blessings, Luise

    • Luise August 22, 2009 at 9:08 am #

      Yes, it sometimes does help to write about our feelings. At least that’s my experience. With that in mind, please come over to my web-Forum: There is a lot of support there for those of us dealing with issues that involve adult children. Blessings, Luise

  176. K. September 7, 2009 at 9:11 pm #

    I just happened to find this web site a few months ago, and I never realized that there is so many hurt mom’s with grown children that are so disrespectful, and it seem’s to be more son’s than daughters. My heart goes out to each and every one of you, because I feel your pain. I have a 31 yr. old son that has cursed me, called me names, and lets his 40 yr. old wife rule him, and its really sad. I go months without hearing from him, and after the last text message calling me names, and telling me that him and his wife don’t want anything to do with me, I blocked both their numbers so they couldn’t call or text me, and its now been 2 months. I’m 49, and I still have respect for my 82 Yr. old Mom. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone on this one. God Bless All You Mom’s. K.

    • Luise September 7, 2009 at 9:34 pm #

      Dear K.

      Thank you for commenting. Can there be anything harder to do than what you have been forced to do?

      There are so many of us that I now have a web-Forum at: Please join us.

      Blessings, Luise

  177. S. September 23, 2009 at 6:03 pm #

    My son was my life, his father and I divorced when he was 18 mos. old, and moved out of state eventually with my 2nd husband. My 2nd husband worked night shifts so therefore, it was always me and my son. We would spend a lot of time together, going out for fun, etc., and he was a great kid. Everyone, including his teachers, commented on how great of a son I had. He was so wonderful that when I walked into the house from a hard day at work, he would have a cup of coffee waiting for me. Right after his 18th birthday, he started to hang out with this kid I did not like and for good reason (he had a criminal record a mile long). I told my son he was not welcomed into our home and I would appreciate he made a better choice in friends. He had many great/terrific friends, but this one boy. Then I noticed his attitude changing, becoming defiant, arguing all the time and being downright disrespectful. Then one day it escalated into a terrible argument where he said he wanted to move out of state to live with his dad. I was devastated, but trying to be a good mother, I thought maybe perhaps it would be a good idea to get him away from this kid whom he obviously choose to hang out with behind my back. He is going to college which is great, but our conversations have never been the same since. He rarely calls me so when I call, he always says he is busy. Our last conversation ended with him yelling at me and him saying, “I hope you die and rot in hell!”. I don’t want to type the exact words he said. Needless to say, I am brokenhearted and never in my life thought I would hear those words from his mouth, especially from someone who always waited for me to come home from work, would give me a hug and a kiss and would always say “I love you.” I feel like someone ripped my heart right out and I find myself crying missing the wonderful relationship we had together. Everyone I know is shocked as they all knew how close we were and say it is just a stage. Nonetheless, I have decided to take a step back and not call him anymore. I guess I can only hope that in time he will want to connect with me again. I miss him terribly and it broke my heart when he left to live with his dad, but his last words have left me feeling stunned and numb. I am so grateful to have found this sight and knowing I am not alone has brought me some relief and I wish all of those mother’s going through the same thing the best. S.

    • Luise September 24, 2009 at 7:48 am #

      I would suggest you find a good counselor to work with you on this. Kids who are close to their moms will sometimes go to great lengths to find a way to separate from them. Adulthood requires that and it can be a very painful experience.

  178. J. October 12, 2009 at 11:36 am #

    I can feel everyone’s pain. I have a grown son 42 that just got divorced from his wife 3 years ago. The divorce was very hard on the family. He has a daughter 15 and a Autistic son 14 that he got custody of. His x-wife was deamed unstable and the children were taken away from her. I have always been very close to him and helped him emotionally and financially through the whole ordeal. He met a young woman 6 weeks after his separation and she has stepped in to help with his children. I had been helping with the grandson picking him up from school and keeping him so they can go on vacation. Needless to say I was there all of the time. His relationship with this girl is unstable and she is unstable and doesn’t like anyone in the family and has succeeded in keeping him away from his family. It has been 4 months since I talked to him after we got into a argument about him taking advantage of me. I talked to him in length about how he was treating me and how his girlfriend is treating me and the family. His last comments to me was he loved me very very much, hung up the phone and now will not answer my calls or emails. It hurts me to think that if I stand up for my self that he feels that he can’t talk to me anymore. I miss him very much and wish I could have him back in my life but as long as the girlfriend is in the picture it will never happen. I do understand that he is going to marry her. I just decided to go on with my life and concentrate on my other son and daughter in law and my husband. They love me very much and I am not waisting anymore of my energy on being sad and depressed. I only hope he will realize how much he means to me and call me some day. J.

    • Luise October 18, 2009 at 9:35 am #

      Dear J. It is hard to balance such difficult situations. Probably no one takes advantage of us unless we let them but things changed when the future DIL came along and you felt taken advantage of. You were your son’s major source of support and she changed that. He seems drawn to unstable partners and he has a lot to deal with as a parent. My guess is that your future DIL is establishing supremacy and how you feel is becoming of less importance than it once was. Just a guess, however.

      There isn’t much you can do if he has closed the door. You talked with him at length and for some reason that was more than he could cope with. I think you are wise to accept his position since there’s very little else you can do about it. Finding fulfillment in your interactions with the rest of your family is a very healing path to take. Blessings, Luise

  179. S. November 26, 2009 at 8:38 am #

    WHAT A BLESSING!!!I can’t believe I stumbled into this site. My youngest son hates me. I too was a single mom who did the best I could. Growing up, my youngest son, Andy, and I were extremely close. He was my “good” son, where the other one got into drinking, drugs, running with a bad bunch, etc. Now my oldest one is the “good” son who comes to visit, is a great father, etc. My youngest has become close to a father that only paid support, did not keep visitation for 6 years, except on Saturdays. I had surgery yesterday and he texted me; but not to see how I was but to cuss me out because I tried to tell him a few days prior, about his soon to be ex’s keeping his two kids in squalor. I usually do NOT interfere but when I saw her apartment, I was floored. It is filthy, clothes on all the bedroom floors, dirty dishes piled in the sink and broken down dirty furniture. I am and have always been a very clean person. I only raised the issue with him that I was concerned about my grand kids’ living conditions. If they were being abused I would bring that up; so why can’t I raise the issue of neglect? This incident was the last straw. He have been horrible to me since his graduation from high school. I don’t know why he hates me yet is close to a father who had a pregnant girlfriend (now wife) and who virtually abandoned us. He texted me yesterday and told me to go to hell! How’s that for honoring the parent who was always there, who provided a nice home, clothing, bikes, etc. He is 28 years old. At Christmas every year he shows up and sits. He doesn’t interact with anyone. He always tells me there was no money to buy me a small gift even; but “we bought for the kids”. He makes good money and gets big bonuses every month, yet he can’t give a cheap bottle of perfume to me ONCE A YEAR! This past week was his birthday. It was the very first time I did not acknowledge it. He told me yesterday I wouldn’t be seeing my grand kids any more. Yep, same day I was operated on. How’s that? My heart has been broken by him. I feel for every mother on here. I know your pain; I just don’t understand. Just like every mom on here: what did I do wrong? S.

    • Luise December 14, 2009 at 11:44 am #

      Dear S.: Please consider going over to the Web-forum I created for women with issues concerning their adult children. You may find support and understand there. http://www.motherinlawsunitecom Blessings, Luise

  180. H. November 29, 2009 at 2:47 pm #

    It is Thanksgiving and most of time I can handle the rejection, but holidays are hard. My two adult sons made a choice to erase me from their life after I had to make the hardest decision I had to make after years and years of emotional and verbal abuse from my ex husband. I was so very close to my children during their young life and teenage years and when I left, that was it! I admit that I did not leave in a very good way. I was an emotional wreck and did not take the time to sit down with them and discuss it with them. I left quickly or I knew that I would back out again. I was in very bad shape because I stayed way to long thinking things would change. I know for sure that you can’t “fix” people. You can only fix yourself. But my sons were so very aware of the dysfunction as they lived it, too. I guess they did not believe I would follow through with it because I put up with it for so long. I have tried to reach out to them and even wrote them letters to ask for forgiveness for anything that they think I did to hurt them. It didn’t work! One of my sons made it very clear that I am dead to him and my other son just won’t even respond and blocked me from anyway to get in touch with him. I only have written them a few times because I wanted to give them space, but after six years they are still not budging. So….I guess I must completely step back and let it go and pray. I know for sure that I was a good mom and loved, cared and supported them during their entire time I was allowed in their lives. But their hearts are so hard towards me after I left. It is just really very very sad that I had to lose almost my entire family in order to save myself. Not only did they stop having any relationship with me, they also cut off all ties with the entire side of my family who has always “been there” for them their entire life. My side of the family was always the ones who showed up at all the functions the kids had, spent holidays with us and supported them through anything. And to top it off, some of the members of the family have died in the meantime that was very close to them. I am a very sad mom. I know that my codependent behavior can’t kick in because I KNOW that I can’t fix it. It is what it is and I have to come to terms with it. Thanks for listening. H.

    • Luise December 14, 2009 at 11:53 am #

      Dear H. Sometimes when we finally stand up for ourselves it is like surgery. We have to act…to live. Sure you could have done it better…but you did it and that is remarkable. Please come over to my Website where issues with adult children are shared and support is offered. It might help. Blessings, Luise

  181. S. December 16, 2009 at 10:07 am #


  182. J. December 23, 2009 at 10:24 am #

    I am grateful to the wonderful moms on this site who have bared their souls. Truly we cannot really know others unless they are willing to be vulnerable. Once we know what others are going through, that alone helps us to get through the day. My 18-year-old son acts as if he hates me. He hasn’t said anything to me, but he refuses to talk to me and is incredibly moody all the time….”doing his duty” at parent’s weekend at college, showing up at dinner when asked, but resentful all the time. He says I treat him like a child. The only restriction on him is that he tell us where he is at night and when he’s coming in….that’s too restrictive for an “adult” like him. My yoga teacher (man) says boys need to break away from their mothers and that it can be very painful and destructive, but that it must happen. I have heard from others that boys will come home again….but that it requires a lot of patience. Bless you all for your words of support. J.

  183. S. January 2, 2010 at 1:34 am #

    I am in tears right now as I read all these posts. My 18 yr. old son is home from college for winter break. I was a single mom, too. I was the one who guided him through all the college applications, senior year, etc. Dad was not interested. Now son is terribly rude and mean to me. I walk on eggshells around him, as anything I say he has a snappish mean remark back to me. He is so unkind I cry. Since he has been home, I’ve done things for him, cooked for him, had his band mates over so they could practice etc, but there is no appreciation at all. It has come to where I am almost afraid to say anything to him at all, as he always comes back with a mean spirited comment. Tonight I told him that next time he comes home for break he should stay with his dad, as I don’t want someone around who treats me badly and is mean and unappreciative. I just don’t know how to get through to him; all I do is cry.

    • Luise January 8, 2010 at 9:54 am #

      You did what had to be done…set boundaries to stop the abuse. When you can, move past tears. It will help you accept that your son probably doesn’t know how to step from boy to man in his relationship with you. One relates to a “mommy” and one relates to a friend. It can be very difficult, emotionally, especially when he doesn’t know that’s what’s going on.

  184. Helen January 22, 2010 at 1:29 am #

    I’m glad i found this site. I felt like the only person in the world with a son that hates them. I’m a single mom his father died before he was born. I knew that I would have challenges, but not like this.My heart aches because of the situation between me and my son. I’ve tried to do the best I can.I haven’t been perfect and have made mistakes. I always have kept my son first. I don’t have a boyfriend or even associate with anyone because of making sure I’m available when he needs me. Well tonight it happened again he pushed me and poked his finger in my eye. My mother got in-betweeen us I guess cause she saw his rage and felt that he was going to hurt me . The sad part about this situation is that his dad was abusive to me too. I have several health issues rheumatoid arthritis that keeps me in constant pain everyday, not a day goes by that I’m pain-free. I try not to complain to my son and give him opportunities that others have. He still is embarrassed by the way I look and hates me he even expresses it when he screams at me.I feel that I just need to let him go on with his life and not try to give him advice because he never listens to me just to his so-called friends who manipulate, and use him and talk him against me. I never thought that he would fight and yell at me. It hurts me soooo bad. I’m suffering in silence. After tonight I have accepted how he feels about me and asking God to help me and to help him because he is the only one that can save him. I’ve done all I can. I hope that my surgery will go well so that i can move and start my life over. I’ve let the bad stuff take too much control over me. I just wanted the best for him, he doesn’t want the best for himself, he wants the negative things in life from his so-called friends . Please pray that he will wake up and realize before its too late that how he has treated me is wrong, Please also help me to block out the image of him hitting me and in a rage poking at my eye. Never thought that my only child would hate me so bad. My heart is empty. Please pray for me.

    • Luise January 22, 2010 at 9:13 pm #

      Prayers and love, too. Blessings, Luise

  185. A. February 15, 2010 at 8:15 pm #

    Hello All. I am 31, married and have 2 sons, 10 and 5. I think these stories will be my life. My oldest is already telling me, and everyone else that he hates me. He hates his borther, he hates being around him, and hates me because I take the side of my youngest after it gets violent between them. He gets in trouble a lot in school for fighting, and teasing, and saying bad things to his peers, and doesn’t care if I take away his favorite toy or channel or activity. He just gives it up. I want to learn from your experiences. I don’t want to sit and wait untill it happens (him growing up and me feeling hated). What can I do NOW besides pray to avoid it to go further? anything specific that is stuck it the back of your mind that you think you are hated for? A.

    • Luise February 15, 2010 at 9:14 pm #

      Dear A. Please come over to my Web-forum that centers around these kinds of issues. You will find support and wisdom there. Go to: Blessings, Luise

  186. S March 15, 2010 at 8:44 pm #

    Oh can I relate. I’m glad I found this website. You know what is interesting? Most of our ex-husband’s were abusive or alcoholic and we tried to shield our boys from that. I too lived for my kids. When they were growing up, we didn’t have much, but we were happy. I don’t know what happened, but when they were around 15/16 I became the cause of their dad’s alcoholism, absenteeism and essentially every problem they had. My younger son was the most hurtful to me. He was mentally and emotionally abusive. He started using drugs. All my interventions were met with rage. Finally I threw in the white flag and gave up and sent them to live with the monster (aka as their dad) thinking that once they lived with him they would see the light. Unfortunately, they didn’t. It is one big free for all party with their dad. He doesn’t care about drugs or alcohol since he does it himself. It kills me. But I have offered them to come back on the condition they follow my rules and show me the respect I deserve. It sucks. It hurts. But I can only go on and let them know I love them and am here when they are ready. And one other thought-we only hurt the ones we love. Maybe our boys lash out as us because we were the ones who were there and they felt safe with us. S.

  187. S. March 21, 2010 at 7:53 pm #

    As a woman raised in a “broken” family, as a teenage mother, as a high school drop out, as a human being. I HAVE LEARNED ….. my failures are my own as are my successes. no one gets the blame, no one gets the credit. Why didn’t my son learn this? S.

    • Luise March 22, 2010 at 9:07 pm #

      Dear S.: It’s a mystery to me why some of us take responsibility and some of us don’t. The “blame-game” is widespread and a very convenient way to not grow up when that’s the path chosen. Please come over to my Web-forum with your issue: One of my sons did that and one didn’t and I’m still asking myself what I did differently, if anything.. Blessings, Luise

  188. D. May 7, 2010 at 3:51 pm #

    In reading over these heartbreaking stories, it is pretty clear in about 80%-90% of the cases that we are single moms.

    So I wondered, how is that connected?

    Obviously we have to play the role of both mother and father ( in my case my sons father is very involved in their life as the “funguy”, the buddy—-hardly contributed anything financially, never around when things get tough–but the first place my sons escape to when I “ask” too much of them and we argue over asking them to help me (which is very rare) with chores, or doing homework, or coming home on time–they just blow me off and say “I’m outta here” , calls Dad–and Dad heroically swings by and removes them from the awful shrew (me) never botheirng to ask a word of why).

    So since I had to oversee every detail and requirement of our lives while working a very demanding job, push the homework, try and responsibly enact the unpopular consequences when they misbehaved and every other chore and messy parent/teen struggle by myself, by the time they were teens, I was demonized.

    I was told over and over how “laid back” it was at Dad’s house….how he didn’t nag, he understood the value of “leisure time”! ( So leisurely he couldn’t keep a job).

    Anyway, with that pretty typical situation as a backdrop, I am thinking why do our sons come to hold us in such contempt?

    IMHO, I believe a couple of things are at play.

    First, the man of the household is missing. The boys’ father, were he on site, would ideally dispense the discipline and model the male attributes that define the young boys sense of self. Ideally again, assuming the man was a GOOD father, he would responsibly insist his sons practise respect and values, including respect for their mother. They say “the greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their mother”. (Now, I realise many men would be a horrendous role model too–drunks, abusers etc–which is why women should think long and hard about who they mate with!)

    Without that adult male to relate to, and in the best of all worlds, ideally loving, committed husband to their mother, with his non-negotiable demand to adhere to RULES and RESPECT, well, without all that, when hormones kick in —-our boys go from being loving little boys that LOVE Mommy to surly teens that probably despise having a WOMAN directing and controlling their lives.

    Of course, have no choice–we must be mother and father–it is down to pure survival, but the sons don’t get it. They are immature “boy-men”, hardly capable at 13 to run their own lives. I guess they deeply resent their dependence on us and maybe it fills them with inadequacy and self loathing –which is why they direct that loathing over time onto US, because it is too debililating to place it on themselves–and men seem to generally project outward vs women going inward. We are the target.

    Next and this is just a theory…I am wondering if our sons begin to associate revulsion with their single mothers as “rejects”. Maybe mixed in with some of their own deep unspoken sense of being “cast off” by the father they “adore” ( even though that “father” was the irresponsible lout that abandoned the family) they just simply cannot bear the thought being connected to this cast-off, worn-down, stressed-out, obviously undesireable ( well she couldn’t make it with Dad, right?) human called Mom, that stays on their back about making the right choices, doing their homework, not hanging out with bad kids etc.
    In other words, there’s pretty much NOTHING redeeming about Mom, superfically or otherwise. Dad doesn’t want her, why should he?

    I say this dramatically, because the feelings I get from my youngest (17) at times is nothing less than pure revulsion that I am even drawing oxygen.

    I have supported him and his brother in every way, EVERY WAY, through unlimited attention and love and listening, I tried to provide enriching experiences with camp, family trips, adventures and outings, being involved with thier school and church, Christmases with the all the trappings, prom, SAT prep, private middle school and essentials like orthodontics, expensive dermatology for teen acne and every other thing you can imagine– all of which I scraped to pay for completely alone, I also sacrificed considering any new relationship for myself for 14 years, my sons have been my focus.

    None of it makes a difference–my youngest cannot abide me, and anything I ask of him, no matter how mild is either ignored or throws him into a fit of hateful rage at me. If I push too much he calls his dad to come and get him. And his dad is the sun ( his dad pays for NOTHING). I have no authority in truth.

    My oldest is a bit better and I have hopes that all is not lost, but I do know that any weakness ( crying, begging for a reconcilation) is viewed with even more contempt.

    So I advise that you should not show your hateful sons, your ‘weakness’.

    You can state the clear fact that you are devastated that your r/ship is destroyed, that you have hope that one day it can be redeemed, it is your greatest disppointment– BUT you have a life to live and will not marinate in such toxic misery–which is not good for either of you.

    So remove yourself. If not possible physically, do it menatlly, emotionally. It hurts like crazy, because we crave to connect to them, but they are not allowing it. It comes down to self love for US and refusing the allow the abuse to rain down ANY MORE.

    None of us want to be anesthecized zombies walking around with broken hearts but i am telling you, you cannot force a person to experience empathy and care about your pain when they are consumed in self focus.

    Accept that they walk their own path in this life and you walk YOURS. You did your best, It was not perfect because circumstances were fractured. Now it’s between God and them and God and YOU. D.

    Know that love is available on many other levels, church, friends, volunteering, maybe new romantic relationships.

    Live your life….redirect away from what is hurting you….do not sacrifice your preciousness…Let go and Let God …and love your self, PLEASE.

  189. E. June 1, 2010 at 11:47 pm #

    it’s rather odd that our children,’s minds is so ego ruled that they are in a atate of unawareness, about the value of the relationships. of a loving mother such as we all are, it’s not by chance we have all emerged here wiht our commong conceanrs. lets be the attitude , of reality, lets not feed and validatethe allusions our offspring find as thier preception of reality .lets repete the life transfroming affirmation , forgiveness and uncondtional Love each time, a unplesant expereince attepts to rule over our thinking and feeling. lets simply transform our own mind, and realize we have power over any hting that is projected at us we have the abality to not allow ourselves to get suspended in negative areangemnts of the mind set of those who fear and envy us, because that is waht hate is all about, when we do a supurb impossiable task of prodiding for our children and beating the odds, the inflince of the collective mind is at work as well, our children abviousely are not vibratig in the same energy filed as we are , they may atttempt to project thier self imprints on to us,this maybe be at a complete level of unawareness, waht they are doing is self distructive, they generally are attracted to and bond wiht people who are vibrating and attracting energy that support and identify with theirs.I have a great idea, Lets use our collective creative enrgy to transform ourselves. lets say and do creative enriching speaking thinking and being. It might require being to busy to listen to any negative or manipulating from those who thrive on emotional mental and passive violence, when we set the boundry, it removes thier allusions of power and control , these are learned behaviors that can have roots in ancestorial attachments, that will attach to our children without awareness, I have three adult children who started defying and using many emotoinal and mental tools that resulted in pain, But I have learned that my happiness is all that matters, if they choose something else, they are free to do so. But after a resonable time frame , I dont have any associations with tme. there are pleanty of people in this World who respect and love me for myself, That is a good thing about this life there is many choices for everyone, Perhaps letting go of the false ideals we fromed about thse peole we birthed , might be something we can benfit by at leat considering, that people can choose to hate or to love, having no contact even letting go of the grandchildren, can be a wake up call for those who diaplay no gratitude. or those who enjoy playing games as if Mothers are mere Toys . Love Lihgt and Peace. E.

  190. J. June 14, 2010 at 11:03 pm #

    I woke up the morning after finding your website and felt peaceful and actually smiled about my situation. Why? because after 13 years of sadness and hurt I felt I wasn’t alone. ( My son is now 20) I am not a single mum and although my son’s father worked away from home quite a lot we still had what I consider a pretty average and normal family unit with no abuse, drugs, or foul language. What was abnormal was my son’s verbal abuse and shocking anger especially aimed at me. My husband has always treated me with the utmost respect. I still didn’t talk to my husband much because I still wanted his father to have a good relationship with him. And of course I blamed always myself and had little or no self-esteem. The times i did tell my husband about the verbal abuse he would be angry with my son (not abusive in any way) but my son would take it out on me with verbal abuse and pointing out another of my failings “you can’t cope with me you have to tell dad. So I learned to keep quiet about it. My heart was heavy everyday, I woke up everyday and knew the verbal abuse would begin as soon as his father left for work. I became so depressed and full of guilt that I considered taking my own life many times. My husband and girls were my reason for staying in the land of the living. The turning point for me was ……when my son told me in a state of I believe a “manic” mind he told me I had ruined his ife he blamed me for everything that is wrong about his life, and I was very frightened scared as he said “I will hit you” I think even worse was that he said it in front of his 12 year old sister and shouted she hates you to. I have spoken to counselors with and without him ( which for us was mistake) I really believe you should never play the victim in front of your abusive child/young adult or let your feelings out, they see you as weak in the first place so why let them think yep I’m right she is a useless human being. That is a very hard thing to do until you stronger in yourself. i knew I needed “me time” which I didn’t believe I deserved so wouldn’t let myself relax, I tried yoga, meditation etc. but it was to difficult to do these things on a regular basis. I had become so depressed and suicidal my Dr said I had to take an anti-depressant to get through this. It was the best thing I ever did they saved me in more ways then one. I took them for 6 months and got through the year with my son living here. Once he left home I went of them and the guilt and sadness snuck back. He visited and was the worst I can remember and so I started taking them again. I know I am not dependent on them they just get me through the really rough times. I am also doing cognitive behavoural therapy which is wonderful. I said this morning I woke with a smile on my face, I feel stronger every day the guilt I have felt for years is almost gone and am feeling so grateful my life is improving and i have so much to live for and he “will not stop me.” J.

  191. T. September 13, 2010 at 12:39 pm #

    Hi: There is no point in me giving the details of my only son’s distain for me. I also was a single mom and my former husband drank and ran around with women from the get go. I thought he was a big flirt and tried not to make a big thing out of his behaviour. He left me and my son when he was 5 years old. He gave little child support and moved out of town with his new woman.
    My son rarely saw him and was heartbroken by his dad’s neglect. We were very close, caring and respectful of one another throughtout his life. I struggled financially as many of you had, even though my ex was well off. He lost interest in us.

    When my son became a teen his dad moved back into town with his alcolholic wife and refused to see him unless his wife was present. The visits were sad but my son made the best of them because he loved his dad regardless.

    He is 36 living in the U.S. with is wife and 2 little boys. I am in Canada. Since they’ve been married 12 years I visited about 7 times and they about 3.
    My grandsons love me to no end.

    In the last 6 years my son stopped responding to my phone messages and emails to let me know how he and the family is.

    A month ago my mom died (in Canada) and my son came alone. I paid for his travel and then some.
    He was cold and distant during the difficult time at the funeral and did not want to even stand next to me.

    The evening before he left I asked him what I did so wrong. I loved him with all my hear & soul, never spoke unkindly of his father, tried hard to get his dad to spend time with him. I was always in the red trying to support and provide for him.

    He seemed to be very happy at home. He was always a top student and graduated University with honours. His dad & family would not come to his graduation.

    But my son is staying in touch with him now and they visit each other.

    I was told by him that he had a crappy childhood, that he was sad and lonely. He said he left Canada because of his unhappy childhood. He said now he has a family and a good job in the U.S. He said he was angry with me and does not want to see me.

    Sorry for the rambling but I too cry so often I wonder if the tears and heavy heart will ever stop.

    I am shocked at how similar our single mom stories are and know the pain you are suffering.

    Now, the question. Since mom’s passing there is a little inheritance & I want to send him and the family money to go to Disneyworld. I told them a year ago that I wanted to take them.

    Should I still do this even tho he wants nothing to do with him?


    • Luise September 21, 2010 at 5:21 pm #

      No, I wouldn’t. Please come over to my Web-forum that I created for those of us who have had to face this: There is support and understanding waiting for you there. Blessings, Luise

  192. S. October 15, 2010 at 1:29 pm #

    My 18 year old son, whom I have raised alone, blames me for everything. He is away at college for the first term. He is doing poorly and said it is my fault since I helped him too much in high school with homework papers, tutors etc. So, now he is unable to do it on his own and it is my fault he will be a failure in life. He also said he will not buy that my husband and I are having money issues until we sell our jewelry. He says very hurtful things to me and tries to make me feel guilty. What do I do? Does he really feel this way or says these things to hurt me? Told me if I cut back his money for college he will become a weed dealer…..why does he say these things? S.

    • Luise October 20, 2010 at 9:11 pm #

      Come over to my Web-forum at where you will find a caring and sharing community of women who know exactly what you are up against. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  193. B. November 11, 2010 at 8:00 pm #

    you have no one but yourself to blame for being a single mom. should have picked a better mate. B.

  194. L. November 16, 2010 at 10:34 am #


    I have a real problem, my son and his wife have decided to have nothing to do with me, he has created a lie in his mind, he is 31, I raised him, his real father left when he was 2, I remarried when he was 4, the stepfather was fine at first, then came years of abuse, I had nowhere to go at the time, so by the time he graduated from high school, we left, including my daughter from the 2nd marriage. When he was 20 yrs old, he decided he wanted to bond with his biological father, which I had no problem with, I had hoped before that he would want more to do with my son’s life than he did, but anyways, my son married and my first husband remarried, I saw no problems, all of the sudden I am the bad person. My first husband had an affair with my best friend, the whole thing was extremely hurtful, but i forgave and moved on, my son said that I ruined his life and because I ruined his life to not be surprised when I don’t have any friends, and that no one will want to be around me. My current husband is very nice and supportive and we’ve now been married 8 years, we both can’t understand this hurtful behaviour and I don’t know what to do. He said because I was beaten that he didn’t want his grandkids around me since I was a bad person? Please help me understand this, I don’t. L.

    • Luise November 17, 2010 at 8:11 am #

      Bitterness isn’t something most of us can understand. Others choose to be bitter and then build a case to support it. We have to pick up the pieces, let go and build a life elsewhere for our own survival. Blessings, Luise

  195. C. November 18, 2010 at 9:47 pm #

    So nice to know that I’m not alone, however I’m still in a lot of shock and pain. When my son was born he became the greatest love of my life. I was in a very abusive marriage and lived only for my son. Then when my son was 12 I finally got a divorce. The court took away all visitations from my ex-husband because of his abuse and criminal history. In fact a psychologist testified at trial that my ex-husband has a narcisstic personality disorder and is extrememly controlling and abusive and has no empathy for his victims. My son was very happy he didn’t have to see his dad anymore and I became a single mom suddenly living in poverty, but my son and I remained very close. Then, when my son turned 18 his dad contacted him and nothing has been the same since. My son is so impressed with his dad’s money and gave up all his plans to go to college and moved in with his dad. Now my son doesn’t call me anymore and won’t see me. It’s been such a sudden shock that I feel like I’m in a bad dream. And my heart is shattered because I lived my life for my son (he was a lot of work because he has a learning disability but I was extrememly devoted). All my years of sacrifice and hard work and loving my only child more than anything in this world, down the drain. I’m afraid that my son may have inherited some of his dad’s sociopathic personality disorders that the psychologist testified about. Can it be genetic? My son reunited with his dad just last May, and I’ve been spending so much time in pain and devastation, and so many people have told me to let him go. I have been trying to move on and not continue giving my exhusband the power to hurt me anymore, but the loss of my son is so great. I’ve been reading a book about detaching from abusive adult children, and I’ve been researching and found this website. But it’s still so hard to believe that if you do your best as a mother, that your child cannot at least love you. I don’t think anything will ever be the same between us again. His lack of conscience is blowing me away, because my son used to be so compassionate but is really selfish now. Thanks for listening. C.

  196. S December 20, 2010 at 1:32 am #

    I can really relate to others pain in this forum. I have 5 children. There father was/is an alcoholic. I got away from him and got into another abusive relationship.. I stayed longer then I should of.. but finally broke free.. Vowed to never get in that situation again. My problem is my son takes ever opportunity to throw my mistakes in my face. I take full responsibility for my mistakes. He is now 25 and I try to help him out all I can financially. Now my husband and I (his step-dad) are trying to save for a move to Florida to retire and I can not help him as much… He gets very angry about this and makes me feel so guilty for the past I usually relent and give in. He curses me and tells me what a Shitty parent I am all the time. I have tried my best to show him I love him and let him know how very very sorry I am for my past mistakes but that has not helped. S.

  197. S. February 15, 2011 at 6:21 pm #

    Perfect site. My 35 yr old son hates me. He tells his girlfriend everything I say, and I have been working with him on home. He threatened to cut off my internet and phone..he is paying for them. In return I help him with his business calling. I am on food stamps, ALONE for 27 yrs divorced. He is verbally abusive to me and today he told me to die and go to blazes..and that I needed a mental evaluation, his girlfriend says so! I sent him a valentines card and candy, and a card to his girlfriend. NOT ONE THANK or email. I am getting an attorney at the clinic, to change my will, and my life put my best friend on it, instead of him. I dont trust my son anymore. He has taken from me, with no thanks, and says what a rotten person I am all the time. He calls me stupid, and tells me constantly there is no God….and he doesnt give a rip about things. I am about 99% done with him…yet he is my son, and I am saddened about all this. But how much more can I take? I have zero support from him, or anyone related to him. S.

    • Luise February 16, 2011 at 6:01 pm #

      I don’t blame you. I think I would be 100% done with him. Blessings, Luise

  198. E. February 21, 2011 at 11:06 am #

    When I was a child I wouldn’t dream of bad behaviour
    toward my parents, Its not funny the kids today are
    totally different to our day, they are cold, calculating, like we as parents owe them big time for us bringing them into this cruel world!
    My husband abandoned us when my daughter was 5 and my son 3, I have played mom and dad the whole lives through. The both have phychological problems and do you think they will admit it and get help now that they are adults, my son is 25 and still lives with me and lives off me, and is miserable as hell, an attitude to be reckoned with, depressed and the list goes on, but he refuses Phychological help from a proffessional and refuses any kind of medication. So I continue to suffer, and yet the family all have their own opinions, I always look like the bad one and am always embarressed by him, with all these problems I still love him. But want him to get out there an get a life. E.

  199. A. February 27, 2011 at 1:11 pm #

    I was married to a highly respected professional who was secretly bi-polar and a functional alcoholic. He managed to hide these facts from his co-workers (and me until we were married and I was expecting). He was both verbally and physically abusive to me, but a loving father to the children. When our two children were 13 and 15, he took his own life. I had always been exceptionally close to my two children, and more so when my husband died. My son, the youngest, was also very close to his father. When the money ran out and I could no longer help my children financially, my daughter, then 23, turned against me. My son was horrified at his sister’s betrayal of me and cut her off from his life, and became even closer to me. Although she has relented and wants to be close again, and of course I still love her, I don’t feel as if I can ever trust her enough to be as close as I once was to her. Six months ago my son, who was horrified on my behalf at his sister’s betrayal, suddenly became extremely abusive and now is exhibiting all of the symptoms the other mothers describe. He claims he has post-traumatic stress disorder and is fixating on things he perceives as abusive from his childhood, although he was in fact never abused–he actually was loved, protected and given anything he ever wanted. He is breaking my heart, and I really don’t know what to do. I am forced to live far from both children in order to make a living wage, and I am terrified that I will never see my son again once he leaves college and moves elsewhere. My anxiety and depression is affecting my health–I don’t know if I have the strength to survive losing my son. A.

    • Luise March 6, 2011 at 10:50 am #

      You are going through all of this in your own way and your adult children are processing it in their own way, as well. Please come over to my Web-forum: where the situation you describe is all too common. You will find support and understand there. Blessings, Luise

  200. L. March 27, 2011 at 8:43 pm #

    Thanks for the support for my decision to avoid pregnancy at all costs. L.

  201. A. April 4, 2011 at 1:04 pm #

    My son is 30 years old an hates me and wants nothing to do with me. This is all over an and misunderstanding we had over his wedding plans. I do admit I was partly at fault but he won’t even listen to me.

    He changed his phone # so I couldn’t get in touch with him. My sister gave it to me now he won’t have anything to do with her. I sent him Text message saying that I wish him all the happiness in the world and am so sorry all this took place and only hope that one day I will have my son back and hopefully have a relationship with my grandchild. His dad died 18 years ago and I told him both him and I will be with him in spirit on his wedding day.

    This is killing me. I never thought I would ever be in this situation. I have 2 other children who I have a great relationship with. All I know is I want my son back and don’t know how to do that. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and want to be a part of his life. I am sick about all this! A.

    • Luise April 5, 2011 at 9:32 am #

      Please come over to the Web-forum I have created around your issue:

    • Ann November 7, 2014 at 8:06 am #

      I can understand how painful it is for a mother. In my case, it is the father who has brainwashed him with the notion that his mother is all bad, wrong, and cause of all the problems we had in this family since last five years. This happened because when I learned this man that I had surrendered to in every shape and form for 18 yrs, allowed his parents intereference and further acted upon their advice to get kids on his side. This shattered me and I went through lots of hurt and inturn reacted very angrily. When realized I am in set up where I may loose everything, i sidesteppped to assess and evaluate the situation. In last few years as I tried to get back into kids life, he still continuing egging them against me and never stopping their abusive language and intimidation, esp by older one. He wants to cover his family and show them in good limelight and make me the black sheep. These kids r not able to see and understand how he pitts them against me to create rift between us so that he can remain the important guy.

  202. J. July 22, 2011 at 12:19 pm #

    Dear Luise,
    I am lost. I have a son who does not hang out with friends, and is 18 and scared to leave the house. He blames me for his life. Thus, his abuse dad and I split in his middle school years, he took over dads role of trying to run me and his agressiveness. He was back and forth in high school living with me and his dads parents who enabled him greatly. I am trying to get him on his own. He has a job now… lies to say what I want to hear. I have had it and gave him 30 days to get his own place or pay me $200 per month. He got mad at me b/c I made him return a $130 watch, when his first check was $180, and he has two more weeks to find someplace to live. He got mad at me and bit me. I left him on the street to ride to the house by himself, because I am not going to deal with a ‘rude” 18 yr old child. He was diagnosed with post stress disorder also, I think it is just because he is scared to leave. BUT, why can’t he treat me like a mom? My man hates the way he is to me also. No one else deals with this!J.

    • Luise July 23, 2011 at 8:17 am #

      You have done your best. Young adults make choices that bring consequences. I am so sorry that you are up against such stress. The bottom line is you son has to deal with life whether he wants to or not and how he behaves is about him, not you. Please do everything you can for yourself. You matter and deserve so much better than what you are getting. Blessings, Luise

    • Ann November 7, 2014 at 8:31 am #

      I am in same situation. No matter what I do, older one is incabable of seeing i hard I am trying to be sticking around for them eventhough have no support. To please his dad or himself, he keeps on telling me how aweful of a person and mother I am as he doesnt know my life of 20 yrs before he came to his senses. He blames me for everything that is gone wrong today as convinced by his dad because his dad wants them to believe that his family is all perfect and I am causing issues relating to him and his family. His dad never told him of any contributions and sacrifices I made to maintain this relationship. His dad and him isolate me and older acts very mean and hurtful to me to please his dad.
      In quite moments, I try to tell him, in life, we come across moments that are bad and they are accidents. That is why I failed to anticipate them and prevent them. We get hurt (I still am) and with time we pick up ourself and try to go forward in life with a newer perspective.
      Also tell him, as a kid he should accept his dad and mom as who they are, just like we accpet them as how they are because got gave them two parents for a reason and they should avail both of them. Suggested to him that it is very important to find a way, talking, writing, etc. to forgive his mom as he is part of me and untill the day he can do this, he will be unable to move forward on his journey as peaceful humanbeing.

  203. Linda DeLeo July 24, 2011 at 1:57 am #

    I have been reading these stories because I have almost the same situation. Why is it that so many sons turn on their mothers? It seems you can’t do enough for them and when you can’t do any more, they turn on you like a rabid dog ready to tear you to pieces. Almost everyone here says that they don’t know what they did to deserve the treatment they receive from their sons… maybe they didn’t do anything. Maybe their sons are just selfish, self-absorbed brats who never grew up. Blaming their mothers for what they did or didn’t accomplish in life is how they avoid the responsibility of their own actions or lack thereof. I personally am sick of rotten little boys pretending that everything bad in their lives or everything good that didn’t happen in their lives is because of their mommies. Grow up!

  204. M. August 6, 2011 at 5:12 pm #

    I have an unusual piece of experience that I would like to share with the group in the hope of offering some healing….I have in my possession an email letter written from my son last year, perhaps in some moment of weakness, wherein he lists some of the “good” early childhood memories he holds of me (Mom). In the letter, my son also states he loves me, and that he does not intend to be so distant. Note to all moms reading this: this singular letter stands alone as the only piece of gentle communication I have ever received from him. Aside from this singular letter, my experience has been like that of other moms on this website….I am mocked and hated, disrespected and eliminated. My son does not respond to any of my attempts to connect with him. He has told lies about me to some people, and has denied my very existence on this planet to some others. My son is a capable, competent emerging adult who has treated me with coldness and apathy for the past decade, allowing only very minimal contact. The behavior persists. So my heart is broken, like so many of yours. And yet,…and yet…there is the mysterious matter of a single brief, kindly letter….never again duplicated in thought or action. A letter that I read and reread, hoping to understand how it came to be written in light of the years of other behaviors before and after. So, to all the moms out there whose souls feel trampled….I suggest that there are some elements about our situations that defy comprehension. I wonder if some of our sons have accidentally gotten themselves locked into patterns of behavior that stifle their self-recognition of kernels of love that still exist. M.

    • Luise August 7, 2011 at 8:53 am #

      Please come over to the Web-forum I have created for those of us working through these issues with adult children.
      There is love, undrstanding and support there. Blessings, Luise

  205. M. August 7, 2011 at 9:13 pm #

    Thank you for the invitation, Luise. My son is just 19 years old. During the past decade, I had held out hope that he would mature and accept me once he entered college, but other than the previously described single, kind email to me, his rare communicatons remain as cold and distant as they have been since he chose to live with his father many years ago. Would your “adult children” website be the best-fit recommendation in my case? Do you also manage other websites? I looked at your WiseWomenUnite website, noticing that there were almost 10x the number of member entries on Christmas Day in comparison to today. I almost cried to think of the sadness of that holiday, and of what must also be ahead for me on this continued path of motherhood/isolation. Still, I can see that the purpose of your outreach is to offer healing voices, and I respect your efforts, Luise. So, I will try not to remain negative in my thinking. M.

  206. S. August 10, 2011 at 7:17 pm #

    I stumbled across this forum after a google search one night as I tearfully sat and wondered what was wrong with me, that my eldest (19) son with his years of simmering and sometimes bubbling over anger at society in general could erupt so violently…throwing a chair across the room and screaming expletives at me, and then two days later follow it up with such a hateful, sarcastic and verbally abusive email. He ended the message by saying not to contact him ever again. I have endured a lot in my 53 years, but this brought me to my knees. However, I have come to understand this is about him, not me. He’s a high school dropout living on unemployment with his dad. This kid went to private school, played baseball, then wanted to to row on the school crew team…he did well, so we bought him a scull. Yes, he was wrapped in cotton wool because infertility forced me to wait so long for him. I thought I’d cried enough for him before he even entered this world. Hmm…seems the powers that be didn’t agree. He won’t forgive me for divorcing his dad. He doesn’t understand the years of gambling by his dad lost us everything and only when the house was in foreclosure did I file for divorce. I now work two jobs to support my other two children. Ah, so much stuff…we all have our stories. Bottom line: our children are going to be who they choose to be, just as we did before them. Thank you so much for this website, it soothes my soul to read the posts and feel supported. The only thing I feel I can add to all the suggested coping mechanisms is what I’ve held onto to give me hope. And that is: I know several people who’ve lost their children to accidents or illness. Given the choice, I know each of them would rather suffer the pain of the loss of an estranged child than one who is physically lost to this Earth forever, because where there is life there is hope. Wishing peace for us all. S.

    • Luise August 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

      Please come over to my Web-forum at where you will find a supportive community of women who know what you are going through because they are experiencing something similar. The circumstances changed but the experience doesn’t. Blessings, Luise

  207. L. August 30, 2011 at 4:28 pm #

    I think it is most about the chromosome, Y and X (for male) How do they intergrat while in the window of oppoutinity of teen. X-Soft and gentel and compassitnated, if we expouse our kid in volentering, compassion, musical, loving pets well enough, Y-male agression, ego, energy (negative),Sex (insane), the culture here, is go go go, beating, beating beating, in the sport game, in the vidio game, in the gf chasing game and in the violent movies, we expousure them too much of such Y-chomosome applifying envirument. I could see how much my son who strugled between the Y and X when he was 16, every monthe, in few day, he will feeling less active, but with much sould sanity, he could be the perfect of perfect, very caring and gentel and thoughtful. Yet then several days later, he could grow out off it, he is feeling overly good, confident, ego, male kind of beating facial expression and cold and rude. Such exchange goes on for about 2 years, seems graduate dominated with more of ego centric and agreesive side, the by product is negative behavior towards me, a loving single mom. Now, he is 19, in college, in his concept, he loves mom as supposted to be, buy me b-day gift, and christmast gift and Mother day gift but in his uncontoaled behavior, he looked hate, dispise, and angrey and punishing me, F words and agner towards me more and more along with his age… So I believed that is failed or defualted imbalance of intergreting. Now I need to catch the tail of the window of oppotunity. No self pity in front of boy, stand up hight, do not the reactive, love from distance and easy. Alwasy show that you are a very cherished and disirable lade for others and highly respect and treasure yourself, it is the time “ME” in the dictionary first in most of the situation as lone. Just layback and let the story and GENEs unfold itself…We already do every thig and have to have faith and give us the big credit for the job done. The rest, is not what we can control. It is abut the gene, the culture and the enviroumental stimulations. L.

    • L. February 23, 2012 at 2:27 pm #

      Well said. Thank you.

  208. M. September 23, 2011 at 5:35 am #

    My Son hates me…. If you tell someone that they will say no he doesn’t. But yes he does. My Son hates me. How do you live with that pain. I see from this web site that I am not the only one dealing with this nightmare. What did I do wrong, what could I have done differently. My son and I have had conflict for the past fifteen years. I left his father and I am responsible for destroying his childhood. My son is now twenty five is getting married in three weeks. I was originally invited to the wedding and was helping pay for some of it. I was foolish to think that I could ask my son to invite my seven stepdaughter to the church service. Not the dinner, and not the reception, just the church. They are having a NO KIDS wedding. It’s more of a only the kids they want. There is a seven year old flower girl and a six year old ring barer. Our relationship is so fragile that just that one questions has sent him in a rage. He hate me and will not tolerate me any longer. I am fake, manipulative, selfish… I am the worst mother in the world. I am tired of fighting my son, I am tired of apologizing for everything he thinks that I have done or didn’t do or didn’t say right. My son hates me. I feel sorry for him that the carries around so much anger and hate for me but I can see there is nothing I can do. It is what it, My son hate me, is. M.

    • L. August 28, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

      Wow! Your message was like reading my own story, very close to my story with some differences. This is dreadfully painful. I am not living, I am only breathing. L.

      • B. June 1, 2014 at 8:00 pm #

        This is my story too. How do you give up? How do you stop crying? How do you accept it and move through life with one less child? B.

        B. Please come over to my Webforum to get support on this: Blessings, Luise

  209. A. October 9, 2011 at 4:04 pm #

    I commented a few years ago. My son is the one who is HIV+. Things are much, much worse with my son, as I am now partially financially dependent upon him due to illness. I believe much of my illness has to do with the stress my son causes. He is now raving and raving because I am costing him money. I am finally full of anger myself(after 40+ years). He caused it, he can pay for it. I have never in my life blamed others for my difficulties but, his mental abuse has been so extreme and so prolonged that it is obvious that he is actually killing me. If your sons are over 21, please WALK away!! Better yet, RUN! If you don’t, you will shed a million tears and then die. It’s too late for me, but not for you. If you don’t face reality, you will be me in 20,30,40 years. They will not change because they DON’T WANT TO!. The pay-off is too good for them. A.

  210. A. November 24, 2011 at 5:55 pm #

    Bad Thanksgiving. No call from son. Spent day alone.So tired of being hated. I hope all or some of you have had a better day. A.

    • Luise November 28, 2011 at 10:00 pm #

      A. – Come on over to my Web-forum for women who have issues with adult cildren and extended families. There is a lot of caring and sharing going on there. A lot of listening and understanding…and sometimes healing takes place even when things haven’t changed. We are at Blessings, Luise

    • P. February 6, 2012 at 7:31 am #

      Don’t worry you are not alone. For the past 6 holidays I spend alone. I have 2 sons gave them a wonderful childhood or so I thought, the only thing I ever did was leave their father and that was for me. Then when the older one did something not nice and he found out I knew he never spoke to me again or gave me a chance or would discuss it? and turned his brother against me and 1/2 the town by lies??? I am disappointed by what he did but he could have fixed it with “I’m sorry” to the person he hurt. I have sent letters, notes and cards presents were returned from the younger son? They are 40 now I cry almost everyday, and the holidays are the worst. I volunteer and am involved in things but I am always on the verge of crying??? Why is all I would like to know that they can so easily seem to do this esp. as soon as they get married? P.

      • Luise Volta February 14, 2012 at 10:46 am #

        P. You may want to come over to my Web-forum at . There is an community there that has similar issues. Blessings, Luise

      • T. February 14, 2012 at 1:47 pm #

        Dear P.

        I’m so sorry for the pain that your son’s caused you. And my son’s as well. It’s so hard for me to understand how we give our children all the love and suport that we can all there life’s and then they turn on us. We will always be there for our children but our children can’t do the same for us. I’m like you P. I cry all the time because I miss and love them. I have 4 son’s and have not seen them for several years now. But I wanted to thank you for talking to me. It lets me know that I’m not alone out here in this big world. Thank You P. Your friend, T.

        • Luise Volta February 14, 2012 at 7:17 pm #

          P and T – You are both invited to join my Web-forum at where the members support each other in getting through issues with adult children and extended families. Blessings, Luise

      • R. February 17, 2012 at 1:11 pm #

        I have read stories on how our sons hate us as mothers. Mine is 43 years old. He is the eldest of 3 sons. I have a great relationship with the 2 youngest sons and their wives. I am so blessed to have 2 great daughter in laws. I have a total of 10 grandchildren. 7 grandaughters and 3 grandsons. My 43 year old son has a son from his first marriage and the boy is 14 years old and we are not allowed any contact since he was 5 years from his first wife. He has remarried and has a step son, a step daughter and a son of 3 years. My son has always hated me from the time he was very young teenager. When he first got married things got worse. He called for me to rescue him because his wife threw him out of the house. He lived with us for 6 months and was very verbally abusive to me. He finally moved out and met a girl with the 2 kids and got married. I paid for his divorce so he could married. He had a stroke last year and both my husband and I thought he would change for the better but it only got worse. He and his wife have now cut us out of their lives for the second time along with his two brothers and their family. His wife is very spoilt and use to getting her own way. She absolutely does not want anything to do with my 2 sons wives or their children.
        I have sent emails and made phone calls to them but all was unanswered. I Did a Christmas card along with money for the kids. They gladly cashed the cheque and we never heard from them. I do a lot of volunteer work to stay busy and try and keep my mind from thinking about him. I cheerish the times that I do spend with the other 2 families but there is always something missing. I cry myself to sleep at night and try and figure out where I went wrong. I gave all 3 boys the best that I could give. They had a very good child hood. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel I should just give up….but how can you give up on your own flesh and blood.
        My son hates me and he has told me so….so many times. He needs to grow up and quit telling lies about how bad his mother is. R.

        • Luise Volta February 18, 2012 at 10:01 am #

          R – Your son is going to do whatever he is going to do. If rewriting history works for him, along with blaming and rejecting you…that’s the answer for him. He is an adult and is responsible for his own perceptions…you aren’t. You are letting him continue to hurt you and that is unhealthy. If you start into self-pity, weeping because it isn’t fair (and it isn’t), it’s easy to get stuck there. You can let it make you sick and ruin your life, hurting those around you, as well. He has closed the door. He’s an adult. that’s his right whether it makes sense of not, or whether it meets your expectations or not. He isn’t responsible for your expectations. There are many moms who have just one adult child and when this happens they are pretty much alone…and there are others who have several children who all decide to go the route your eldest has. Those women don’t have the loyalty and love from the rest of their kids like you do. Let go of him and let go of feeling sorry for yourself. I have been through the same thing and it’s the only was through it and out the other side that I know of. Blessings, Luise

        • T. February 20, 2012 at 5:21 am #

          Hi R,

          I’m so sorry that you’r son is acting the way he is. Has he told you the true reason why he feels the way he does? Sometime’s we have to be much more then there mother’s. What I mean is stop trying so hard to understand them. I finally just stop trying. I was so hurt and worried about the lose of my first son’s feelings that I forgot that I am more then a mother. I live and breath and I’m a human with hopes and dreams just like my son’s. We are beautiful woman, and we are more then wife’s and mother’s. And life go’s on no matter what we do. We can choose to live it or let someone else take that from us. My son and his wife had told me several times to stay away from there family, stop calling and just leave them alone. So I did just that. I focused on my husband and my other sons and there familys. I no longer cry each night and worrie about what I did wrong. Because I relized that I did nothing wrong, and I don’t think you did anything wrong either. And after some time of backing off from them I got a phone call from my daughter in law wanting me to look at some pictures of the grandkids. I’m not saying I would not respond to my son when and if he needs me, what I am saying is that I no longer will drop eveything and focues on my grown son or son’s because life is to short and I want to be part of it as a woman first now. We did our jobs picking up our children when they needed use. We love them. We kissed there tear’s away when they need us to, and we always will. But it’s our time again. you have a good man beside you that you can focuse on. Be the woman now that he see’s you as and I know we are.. Love and best wishes. T.

  211. C. December 7, 2011 at 7:33 pm #

    Like the rest here, my son hates me….and I am beginning to hate him. He blames me for being a horrid mother…but heaven knows I did my very best…I had a husband who traveled and was not home for many days each month. When he did come home he told me that he would not be the ‘enforcer’ but the ‘good guy.’

    My son never, ever listened or obeyed, but ran beserk – especially when he was a teen. I was terrified of being alone with him when his dad was out of town. My son divorced his wife – and I’m sure it had a lot to do with his attitude…He constantly harps I tried ‘control.’… him…Just recently he’s brought up his grandmother in the same light as he sees me. I honestly believe he hates women.

    At any rate, I have no guilty feelings. I believe that my son is a very mentally sick individual and I feel sorry for him. He has thrown his family under the bus… C.

    • A. December 19, 2011 at 7:00 pm #

      The book, The Whipping Boy. Father: Good guy. Mother: Witch A.

  212. A. December 13, 2011 at 2:15 am #

    Wow, I feel better after reading this.
    My Son does not like me either. He is 17 and will be 18 in a little over 30 days. I find my self counting the days and marking them off the calendar like I was counting down a prison term. I am seriously thinking of giving him an eviction notice for his birthday.
    I am so very very sad.
    He was such a sweet kid. My only one. Had his when I was 30 and that was it. The sun rose and set on hiim. We were buds and did a bunch of stuff together.
    Now, I think he would pee on my grave if I died tomorrow.
    He has a girlfriend that ran away from home and an alcoholic mother and dropped out of scchool when she was 16. She has bounced around here and there, but all in all she is not a bad person. Very sweet, has a job, works hard etc. But my son thinks that just because I am not working at the moment that I should take her back and forth to work, shopping, to eat, in addition to taking him where he needs to go.(You are not doing anything important, why can’t you take her) He also thinks that she should live here with us!

    Oh Ladies, I could go on and on and on, like many of you…..

    I just can’t take it anymore. He doesn’t he dictates. He does not appreciate anything. They, against my repeated displeasure, insist on having sex when I am at home and make sure that I hear it. If I say no, then he will start tearing things up. Once he said he would hurt my little dog. In the last few weeks it has escalated to him hurting my in a physical way. Pushing, slamming doors on me, or throwing things at me.

    I lost my own Mother just a year ago and between that and this I am ready to end it all. I know for a fact that I don’t deserve this kind of treatment. My heart is broken in so many little pieces I don’t think it can ever go back together.

    Yes, I am angry too. My husband has called the police twice. They say if they come here again that they are taking him to jail. I so don’t want to put my child in jail because he is a butt.

    I am lost.

    He has been kicked outo of school, suspended, and now I can hardly get him to go. He only has 6 months left. A.

    • Luise Volta December 18, 2011 at 11:52 am #

      A. You are in crisis and this is not the place to get the help you need. Yes, you do deserve so much better. Your son needs to be on his own and learn what life is all about and you probably need to learn the differnece between love and enabling. Both of them are minors as you know and need help of a kind you are unable to offer. (I wouldn’t be able to either,)

  213. A. December 18, 2011 at 12:14 pm #

    Thank you for your reply.
    It was so late when I was typing, and reading it now I see where I made many mistakes. My apologies.

    I just felt so lost and so alone It has been difficult for us since my Mom passed away so suddenly.

    It is clear from your post that you feel that this is not where I should seek comfort. So I will thank you for the opportunity, say good bye and keep counting the days.

    I am at 31 now. A.

  214. A. December 19, 2011 at 6:54 pm #

    There is a book titled The Whipping Boy. It’s an old one, but should be available on Amazon. Many of you will think you wrote it. I also plan to read it again. Almost Christmas. My son no longer calls weekly. He managed to start an argument during his last call, which, this time, I was also up for (very unusual for me). I expect the end result to be that he will probably limit his calls to holidays and, maybe my birthday. Incremental abandonment, I guess. He is pushing 50 and is a bitter old man. I’ve mentioned before that my worst crime was divorcing his father. I’m at a point where, if my son didn’t have an illness that may take his life, I would tell him the entire story of my 22 year marriage to the monster he called Dad. Maybe I will write my own book, but probably couldn’t relive the past 47 years. I pray for my child daily and will continue to do so, no matter how he treats me. I’m praying for all of you also and i hope Christmas will be ok for you. A.

  215. T. January 1, 2012 at 6:19 am #

    I have been reading all the messages here and I know I’m not alone. My son is 36 and has two daughrters. The oldest child (A.) was not planned and she is 15 now. All her life the child has been talked down to. There was never a day that the child was not screemed at calling her stupid, and worse from both parents. But over the last year my grandchild has ask and begged me to help her. I know for a fact that she is being hit in the face by my son. I have called the police and they came out and took pictures of her face and legs. My son called and screemed calling me every thing by human. A. has had such a poor life being molested for a few years by her mothers brother in law. and now because the state I live in has no grandparents wrights, I’m no longer aloud to talk or see her. My son will be going to jail and that makes it worse on A. My daughter in law plans on sending A. to the sisters home to live when my son gos to jail. My so was told by A. by the say that A. is a compulsive lier. The youngest child is 10 now and can do no wrong no matter what it is. My son and his wife, can set a see the youngest one do something wrong when they ask her why she did it S. will say it was because A. told her to do it and they attack A. I just do not know what to do anymore. My son has disowned me and will not talk to me at all. I know this isn’t so much about my son hating me but I just am looking for someone to just hear me. T.

    • Luise Volta January 14, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

      T. You have been heard and I am sending you love and understanding. If you think it would help, please join my Web-forum: so you can relate to a supportive community of woman who had had to face many such difficult times. You don’t have to face this alone. Blessings, Luise

  216. K. March 4, 2012 at 10:59 am #

    My son who is the center piece of my life hates me. My husband and I are divorcing and I thought I would have a chance to renew the relationship with my son given some time without my husband around. How wrong I was. My son is leaving with my husband and wants nothing to do with me. I am crying myself to sleep and waking up crying in the morning. I can’t bear the thought of not seeing him. He is only 16. Help me. K.

    • Luise Volta March 5, 2012 at 11:09 am #

      K – Please come over to my Web-forum community for women who have issues with their maturing childen and extended families. You may find the support you need there. Many have. Blessings, Luise

      • K. March 13, 2012 at 11:42 am #

        Thank you Luise, I will do that. Blessings to you as well. K.

    • T. March 6, 2012 at 7:40 am #

      Dear K.

      Do you know why your son is acting the way he is towards you? My youngest son was 14 when I moved out and he stayed with his father because he was scared his father would not take care of him self after I left. He was scared his father would starve him self to death, or do any basic care for him self. This was my sons own words to me. My son was so worried that his father would starve because he did not know how to cook. It didn’t happen, hes fat and happy now. Kids do not think that there parents are just as human as they are. They need to be told that you are a human being with feeling and have pain just like the kids do and that your scared and your feelings are hurt and get hurt just as his do. They don’t even consider or fantom that we bleed the same as them. If you do not know why he feels the way he does then you need to set him down and ask him whats the problem. Explain to him the you to are just as human and are just as scared as he is. And just because your a mother doesn’t mean that your feeling don’t get hurt that same as his. I send you love and hope the best for you K. Your friend for life. T.

      • K. March 9, 2012 at 8:48 am #

        Dear T,

        Thank you for the kind email. I have tried to talk to my son about things, but when he starts drinking again, he resorts back to the past. He needs AA and counseling. I am caught up in a rip tide between the ex husband and son. The ex “taught” my son to hate me, and there is nothing I can do. I know it sounds crazy but I do feel that my son has feelings of hatred toward me. My ex played the “victim” and for years whined and moaned about paying child support and alimony. (He is the one who directed his attorney to pay alimony to me, I never asked for it). Several years back my son lashed out at me and said “you take all my dad’s money.” And of course he was drinking, but I have heard the old “cliche,’ the truth comes out when a person is drunk.” I hope that is just a cliche’ because I never asked for anything. It was “blood money,” because I know my husband felt guilty for leaving me and the kids for another woman. Now the guilt has turned to anger and resentment. I never got remarried, or even dated anyone for the longest time. When I was raising my children all the men within my age group were looking to get married and have children of their own. I had my tubes tied, due to being high risk, and having another child was life threatening. The minute I told them the truth, they were gone from my life. I am alone, and did nothing but raise my children, and now my son is accusing me of abuse. I feel my life has been nothing but stolen from me. Love to you to T. Your friend for life. K.

  217. S. March 16, 2012 at 12:21 pm #

    I also have a son who hates me or so it seems.I can’t have a conversation with him without getting into an arguement.I left his dad when my sons were 4 an 5 years old giving their dad custody only because I was not a worker an so young that I thought I was doing the right thing.Afterwards I knew I didn’t do the right thing.I would go an see them every 2 weeks faithfully.I was 19 when I had my 1st son an 20 with my 2nd.I thought I was in love but I was abised by my stepfather an quit school run away from home an found this man I thought I loved only to realize I just was trying to escape.I love my kids soooo much an would die for them.I later met a wonderful man that I have been married to for 24 years almost now an he has been there for me with my son ever since they were little,therefore helping me to see them ,buy them cloths,anything they needed.I wanted to get custody back but couldn’t do it until my oldest son was 14 an so i got both my sons back an supported them sent them to scholl an let them do sports an everything..It got to the point that as they got older they seem to disrespect me more an more an for some reason my husband I guess not wanting my son to hate him would side with them alot an be little me in front of them an take their side which only made things worse.I finally had enough one day with my oldest son was 18 an had finished scholl an had disrespected me so bad that I just told him to get out.I love him but I just could not deal with the pain an hurt any longer.Anyway he goes off to the Navy for 4 years gets out starts his on family an is doing very well..but the thing is everytime we talk he brings things up from the past or talks down to me or just disrespects me .He does not to it to anyone else but me in the family.I just don’t understand it.Everytime I try to talk to him he tells me It is me or my faukt or I’m crazy an need help an he goes around putting me down in front of others where others are saying things like ..Why is she like that,but the only hear what he says an does not know me or the situation.I don’t know what else to do.I love him an he has my grandchild which thank God I get to still see her even though we are the way we are,but I am in tears an I hurt an am depressed all the time not wanting to do anything.We just lost our home an now are living in a trailer which makes things even harder for me as I feel like a big failure.Please don’t think I feel sorry for myself it is not that .It is just that I am so Tireddddd,an I am at the end of my rope.Anyway I just seen where others have wrote in an wondered if there is anyone else out there that is in a situation like mine.Thanks for readind an hearing me vent.S.

    • Luise Volta March 17, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

      S. – Please come over to my Web-forum for women who are facing issues with adult children and extended families. I think you will find support and understanding there. We are at Blessings, Luise

  218. R. May 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm #

    I have read these stories and my heart just breaks seeing all the troubles and struggles mothers have to cope with. One thing for sure, we are responsible for our kids only up to a certain point. When they grow up, it remains their own choice what to do. I deeply believe that most of them will have a clear view sooner or later. May all of you find peace in your lives and live with the thought that despite of all our failures, we have tried our best.

    We all sometimes make mistakes, as we are all humans, so do our kids. R.

  219. M. September 21, 2012 at 11:00 am #

    I am50 years old with a son who hats me to.i have gave him every thing ,payed his bills bought thing for his house,that i gave him .he has just gotten when he wants ,.the other day he wanted me to buy him a new truck i told him no the was breaking me money wise. i cry all the time i dont no why he want grow up and pay his on way .he is not dumb has a good job when he wants to just want keep them .i just found out he stoled frome me .he payed his phone bill with my bank acount .i caught it .now he told me he hates me and i am dead to him to never call him.this is not the first time ,u see he will only call when he needs money.i am to the point with him i just dont care to put up with this any more son or no son .love him but hate the way he is. M.

    • Luise Volta October 21, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

      M – My take is that we are responsible for dependent children but not for adult children. He has lessons to learn and you have a life to live.

    • T. October 22, 2012 at 5:37 am #

      Hi M,

      Sounds like he is just spoiled. Do not give into his spoiled childness ways. It sounds like you have given him every thing but some tuff love. He has never been forced to grow up. My oldest son was the same way until I was forced to see that I had given him everything that he wanted and and ways always giving him money to take care of him and his girlfriends. Now I told him that I will no longer do that and he will have to take care of things him self. I have had to call the police on him for taking my money about a year ago. But its was hard but now he holds a full time job and knows he can’t push me around anymore. He tells me that he loves me and we have a better understanding and we are closer now then ever. Make him grow up. He will always be you baby, but he is a grown man and now he needs to act like it. He does not hate you. He hates the fact that you are making him grow and learn and act like an adult… Good Luck and stand strong girl, you can do it…T.

  220. C. March 31, 2013 at 6:31 pm #

    I feel your pain. My son has shut out our entire family. To the point that he did not attend his grandfather’s funeral. He was very close to the family until he got married. It is only by the grace of God that I am still standing. Our entire family aches and is mystified by his rejection. Our dispute was over seeing my grandchild. We were told we asked to see him and my son would feel guilty for not bringing him by and that interfered with their marriage. A big blow up over not being included in his first bday and it has been over a year since we have even seen a picture. We are allowed to text my son from time to time. He does not respond. I can only offer you the advise to remember the love you have given to him and pray that God will remind him of that as well. C.

  221. B. June 16, 2013 at 12:44 pm #

    I was physically and mentally abused by my parents – my mother tore at the acne on my face even after surgery I have scars) and my father beat all of us including mom. I got married early at 18 after I was impregnated by a boyfriend who wanted to avoid the Vietnam war and stay in the UofP area for college. Stupid of me to just want someone to need and love me, because, thank god, I have a brain. Husband cheated. A lot. He found another woman. I wanted to go to college too and was accepted at UofP with a scholarship. He made my life hell. Drugs. Physically abusive I quit college to care for my son after his dad left and I found feminism and other women as well, this time for myself. Felt guilty and made sure his dad saw him weekly. Fast forward to my son’s 14th birthday. I had worked myself through nursing school, bought a car and a house. Tried to do what my son wanted (be normal) and even got a boyfriend. He was my buddy and then he was angry angry angry. I was the cause of all the family trouble, he said. If only I could do what his dad had wanted. Stay home, keep quiet, accept. I said if he wanted to live like his dad he could live with him. So after asking for help with the boy, (declined) I said ok maybe you guys should be together and,I thought, his dad would have to help him. Worked for a little while, but was the beginning of our separation. Son became further and further estranged but did ok in school and got into college. I got cancer. Survived. Exhusband said how could that be. I must be lying. Son saw me in the hospital but bought his father’s lies. He was told that I was lying because I did not want my family to know – didn’t trust they would help me, only hurt me – as they had done with other things in the past. After the cancer, we had a major blowout because I thought I was gonna die and really spoke my mind to his father. And later to my son after a really nasty visit. Son is now in his late 40’s and married for the second time – we are all estranged since that time and I have never met my grandsons (2) although throughout the years I have made trips to see my son and his family but he refused me. Lord knows I am not perfect but I loved that child and gave him my heart. Let him go to live with his dad – do not know if that was right or wrong but my son is financially successful (we all are) has from all accounts a good family on his second try and is good to his children. I thank god for that. He has a landline he leaves open and I keep on leaving messages from time to time. I will always keep on trying. I pray one day there will be a knock at the door or a phone call. I will always love him.

  222. S. June 28, 2013 at 12:23 am #

    My son is 14. He ran away last night he said he hates me as i am always shouting at him. he said he is not happy husband is worried that he might do it again. I really don’t know what to do !!!!! Can anyone help us please. S.

  223. J. July 22, 2013 at 11:31 am #

    My son is 41years old he was never any problem until he reached 30 years of age, his wife had left him the year befor and had taken his two Young children and I left his father the following year after being maried for 30 years, and unhappy for about 20 but keept this from my children my oldest was 30 and my jungest was 20 years old , she said to me mum I can see how unhappy you are why don’t you Leve dad and get on with your life this was the what I was waiting for , so I left closing my buissnes that I ran from home and I had to got a job to look after my self. And I did. My son s problems started after I left his father he said that he now hates women. But over the last 8 years he now hates his two brothers and trid to kill me by making a rop out of a tee shirt and placing around my neck and pulling has hard as he could the only thing that saved me was I realised in time and put my hand up by my face so I had my hand inside the rope he maid . He goes round to his brothers houses and kick there door and keeps wanting to fight them they have now had to take out injucsion against him with a power of arest. He has been saying he will kill his 4 children and all of us he said he wants to die but he wants to kill us and then get the polic to kill him he has over 400 knives and cross boys he also stabed himself infront of me a put a 4 inch dager strit into his stomack the police have been called about 20 or 30 times over the years he was tee total till he was 30 he as being narsistick, when he tried to kill me and stabbed him self trid to get him secstioned, but was told they coul not because he knows what he is doing I have tried every one for help and they say that they can no do any think. He says he his going to go on a rampage and start killing every one, he also keeps looking at news papper cuting about people that have gone on a rampage and killed lots of people . He has done so much it would take allday to put it in righting.
    He is now to hearing his 18 year old dourghter by texting and phoning saying he will kill her mother and her brother, she is now becoming ill, I do not know whear to turn when some one goes on a rampage they always say they should have seen the sines and some one should have done SOMETHINK I have begged for help from doctors police and any one that will listen, but they say they can not do any think till he does SOMETHINK, but he as tried to kill me and stabbed him self. Sorry about the spelling and gramer I’m dislecik.

    Please can some one help me befor it is to late, and some one gets killed. The police had taken his weapons from him when he stabbed him self but then had to give them back to him when he demanded them. He as sords cross bows Rambos nives flick knives and to many to name. Abou 400. Please give me some help, or some one to contact that can help. Thank you. J.

    • Luise Volta July 25, 2013 at 5:51 pm #

      This in not the place to come with your situation. This is life threatening and you are in crisis. Call a Crisis Line, or see an attorney or even 911. There are places for people to hide. Blessings, Luise

  224. ang August 6, 2014 at 9:24 am #

    I am at my wits end…my son is not bad, however my 16 year old very much hates me his mom..calls me nasty names. Past is always brought up and he basically does what he wants. Doesn’t think rules apply to him. Demands money and the most important thing is his phone. When I try to compromise and he agrees..well that never matters or happens and just means another fight.

    He says awful things and physically and emotionally abuses me and uses his size against me. There have been doors ripped off rooms, holes in walls and things broken.

    I don’t feel I ask for much but it is always met with hostile and aggressive behavior…

    I feel like I argue with him everyday…I can’t ask anything…I have been told I am stupid, nasty, dumb and it just goes on, makes fun of me, my job and demeans me. I try not to get upset but he knows how to push my buttons to say the least…

    I am trying but I feel like a failure…I don’t know what to do. A.

    A. Please come over to my Webforum regarding this: http://www.Wise Blessings, Luise

  225. Lou December 12, 2016 at 10:22 pm #

    Hello, I discovered your website this evening after googling “my grown son hates me.” What a sad thing to seek information on! I am 66 & my husband is the same age. He is in a nursing home in the last stages of dementia, on Hospice care. My husband was an alcoholic for many years, also a type 1 diabetic as well as being bipolar. There was many years of verbal abuse and no, I didn’t leave because I was an enabler. We have 2 grown sons, ages 31 & 28. The oldest is a meth addict with all that entails, thefts from us, lies, police calls etc. I do not know where he is now. The youngest lives with a girlfriend and they have a 7 mo old baby. Neither son has gone to see their father and they both profess to hate both parents with everything they have, but now mostly me since dad is dying. So, leaving out all the heartbreak and grief, I have lost my husband to dementia, 2 sons and 2 grandsons. I attend Alanon meetings and have a wonderful priest and close friends but I have basically lost my entire family to mental illness and addiction. I am struggling to just keep going through the days. Any help is appreciated.

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