Question: Dear Luise: MY GRANDMA DIED AND I WAS REALLY CLOSE TO HER I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO CRY EVERY TIME I LOOK AT HER PICTURE I WENT TO HER FUNERAL AND BE FOR SHE DIED I SAID GOOD BYE BUT I AM ONLY 11 YEARS OLD AND I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO GO DIG HER GRAVE AND LAY NEXT TO HER AND HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HER FOR EVER AND EVER SHE MEANT A LOT TO ME. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GIVE ME SOME ADVICE? R.
Answer: Dear R.: I always write the same answer to this question because it is what worked for me when I lost my mom. I do the same thing when others close to me pass on, too.
I wrote my mom when she passed on. I think the hardest thing for many of us is we have no idea what to do with that level of loss. The more I focused on it the larger it became and the more I tried not to focus on it, I got the same result.
The writing thing was not a conscious plan. It started out with my “wailing on paper” because no one else wanted to hear it or understood. (Well, I didn’t, either.) I don’t know if it would help you or not…we’re all so different. I poured out my anger and my hopelessness and my helplessness at first. I really wasn’t writing “to” her…I was more protesting and giving up ever finding a way to go on. After a while, I realized I was addressing her and that was OK because no one saw my rantings. Little be little my writing, which started out as many comments each day, slowed down and I began to tell her what I was doing, not just how I felt. And eventually, she started answering me. No, it was not automatic writing, or voices in my head…there was no “woo-woo factor.” I just knew what she would say back to me and starting adding it to my daily “connecting.”
I still sometimes write to her…and yes, she still writes back. Why not? Love doesn’t die unless we say so. Blessings, Luise