Question: Dear Luise: my marriage has come to a fork in the road, my wife has come home and told me that she slept with a colleague 5 months ago, she says it was once when drunk but didn’t enjoy it and that she now is just good friends with guy, also about 4 months ago i discovered that while she was away visiting a friend she kissed a guy and she says their was no sex she lied to me for months about both of these things as i knew something was different and kept asking her what was wrong. we or i thought we had a healthy open line of communication, but it turns out that i am obviously not easy for her to talk to or i am not offering every thing that she needs, i would take her back in a heart beat and am open to improving and offering what she needs. i don’t know if i should. R.
Answer: Dear R.: Once trust is broken it is hard for most of us to go on. It can’t be replaced. That’s the problem. It’s a given – until it isn’t.
You can’t change your wife by being open to offering more. The problem lies with her and it’s a serious one. The “I was drunk and didn’t enjoy it” excuse doesn’t cut it. Why was she drunk? Where was she that being unfaithful was possible? I’m not saying you need more details…I’m saying that she set it up by her own conduct. She was where your weren’t, acting in a way that was unacceptable.
People have these incidents in their lives and go on. Some think of them as “slip-ups” and can forgive and forget. It happened to me and I tried to continue in the marriage. I got to and through the forgiveness part; the everyone’s human bit…but after that whenever my husband was late coming home from work, which had never bothered me before…I was a mess.
Counseling is a possibility if your wife really wants to know why she is attracted to kissing other guys and sleeping with them. It’s worth a try and works sometimes. My guess is that she isn’t who you thought she was. That’s the conclusion I came to in my own life. I had made my husband up in my own mind because the guy I thought I had married would never have done such a thing. It was useless as well as unreasonable to ask him to try to be someone else.
Personally, I think you deserve so much better. I know I did. Blessings, Luise