Question: Dear Luise: I have started a new job and met this guy who has so much in common with me. He cares so much and he listens to anything from helping out with my family problems, to work problems, etc. And he also confides in me with some of his life situations. It’s like we get each other. The weird part is we are not friends, we are just colleagues who can talk about anything and have developed a closeness I can’t fathom. He is just so amazing. I have never met anyone like him and his continuing attention towards me has made me develop deeper feelings for him. I don’t even know if it’s just a crush that will soon pass, because it’s been months now. I feel that my feelings towards him continue to grow everyday. I have decided to just ignore him so that I can get rid of these feelings. The reason why I just want to ignore him is that he is in a serious relationship with someone and seems very much in love with he, although he doesn’t want to admit his deeper feelings for her. I know he doesn’t care for me that way because I am not his type. He told me the type of women he likes and I do not fall in that category. Maybe he just cares about me because it’s his nature. I am happy that he is in a good relationship but at the same time I keep wishing I was the one he was dating, not her. I have dated men who have hurt me so much that I lost faith in relationships. I haven’t seen anyone for more than a year. Since I have met this guy it has given me a new perspective that not all men are bad. But why do I have to realize that by seeing someone I can never be with? Luise, please help me with something I can do that will take away this sick fantasy I have because its killing me inside. J.
Answer: Dear J.: Lopsided feelings are very hard to cope with. I know. I’ve been there and done that. And I have also had the opposite experience of having someone else feel like that toward me when there was no spark on my side. It’s just plain awful…no matter where the balance if off.
This guy has been kind to you and you haven’t been around a kind, warm, wise, understanding, communicative man before. If he asks you why you are pulling away, tell him. Let him know that kindness feels like love to you and you have not been able to work your way through it…yet.
The intensity of your feelings will have to dictate what you do next. You may need to move on and find a job that doesn’t have such a distracting component. You are the only one who knows if that solution, as radical as it is, is right for you.
There is a positive side to all of this and that is you now know that all guys aren’t jerks. Some have a great deal to offer and are worth waiting for. Blessings, Luise