I Feel Guilty Over My Father’s Death

Question: Dear Luise: I am so happy I have your site. It’s been several months since the father went up to heaven and up until this time, I can still remember vividly every details of his very last day in the hospital. I really miss my father. And I feel so guilty, really guilty about his passing. He’s been bed ridden for over a year but his condition got worst only during the last few weeks of his illness. I knew that we are going to lose him because I’ve done a lot of research on the net and read lots of articles, researching about his illness and the signs are all there. But despite that, I shun the idea that he will be gone.  Then it happened. I was the one who insisted to bring him to the hospital because I can see his condition is getting worst. My intention thenthen was for him to be better. I thought then that when I bring him to the hospital, the doctors can do something to somehow improve his condition. But then, it happened. I hate to say the word “he died”. And now I feel so guilty. If I hadn’t brought him to the hospital, maybe , he is still alive. Oh my, Luise, please, tell me, should I really blame myself? But on second thought, If I had not brought him to the hospital and he died in our house, without me doing anything to help, I know I’d feel more guilty. I love my dad, but I never had the chance to tell him that. My father is not the showy type. I mean, we know he loves us, but, he’s not the type who hugs and kisses his kids and say i love you. So, we grew up in that culture too. We don’t verbally tell each family member our affection for each other. We just show it action. But I realized now that, it is also important to verbalize your feelings for your love ones. Sometimes, I wish I could talk to God and ask Him one special gift this Christmas: To let me see my father once again, hold his hands and tell him I love him. Thank you so much, Luise for your time. M.

Answer: Dear M.: We all have different belief systems. Certainly you did the right thing to take your father to the hospital to see if anything could be done. And I think we all hesitate to face death, directly. My husband is 100 years old and in a nursing home. I go to see him every day but I do not want to address what is coming. It is my belief that your father knows how deeply you love him because you are his own…and he knows how much he loves you.

If you want to talk to him, I have a suggestion. Sit in a room alone, where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes and place your hands on your legs, palms facing up. Ask God to bring your father’s spirit to you and to place his hands in yours. Trust Him to do that. Then tell your Father how much you love him. How you always have and always will. Let the tears flow if they come. Love is the deepest emotion we have. Thank your father for showing you his love in so many ways and tell him that you are going to move forward in your own life to learn to be more open and demonstrative. Ask him to help you, and he will. Then tell him goodbye and let him know that you will be talking things over with him in the future. Love is eternal. Blessings, Luise


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