Question: Dear Luise: Is there such a thing as “fate”? I feel like I am supposed to be with someone I knew years ago. At the same time, my husband has come around to being a good father to our two little girls and treats me well. We had a hard time of it at first, but things have smoothed out. I feel so torn. I don’t know if I am being drawn to where I am supposed to be or if I am making this all up. Can you see any answer for me in this situation? Sincerely, Lila
Answer: Dear Lila: Yes, you are off in fantasy land. Many of us go there and it doesn’t bode well for those who stay too long and think it’s real. Married life gets to be a routine in many ways. It simply can’t stay “new” forever. What needs to be done is to grow up…and that’s not necessarily an easy job. The call of infatuation, the newness and freshness of it, can be really enticing. So, we spin webs around old romances, create intrigue and sell ourselves a bill of goods. No, it’s not “fate”. It’s something that comes up for most of us at one time or another, truth be told, and if I had to give it a name, it would be boredom.
Our marriage vows are there to remind us that our kids deserve adults at the helm. We made promises because we needed to take a stand regarding what was ahead and be true to what we embarked upon, even though we didn’t have a clue. You are not describing any marital abuse or even incompatibility. What you have almost succumbed to is “the grass is greener” syndrome. I say “almost” because you have written to me. You know the answer, Lila. You do. You’ve got a good guy and a good life. No, it’s not full of novelty but you have deeper values; home and family. Have a heart-to-heart talk with yourself. If you need to take these very normal feelings to your pastor or a counsellor, follow through on that. Talk with someone with a good ear, who is wise and understands where you are coming form. And then pledge yourself to finding a more mature and contented you. The way to peace and fulfillment is down that road. Blessings, Luise