Question: Hi Luise: My husband is not even remotely related to my fiancée. The guy I dated and became engaged to was thoughtful, funny, consistent and deeply interested in me. He was almost too good to be true. Our wedding was glorious, and now two years later, he is a total stranger and someone I would never choose for a life-partner. I have friends who have had the same thing happen. Some warned me in advance, but I wouldn’t listen. I “knew” we were solid and that our romance would never end. I don’t want to start a family…we aren’t on the same page on anything. How did this happen? I feel so foolish, disappointed and sick at heart. What’s your take on it? Thanks, Bess
Answer: Dear Bess: Ah, the honeymoon is long over. This one question keeps therapists busy around the clock. When you are disillusioned, there is an illusion in place. You say he was almost too good to be true and I once read, “If it looks like it’s too good to be true, it probably is.” Infatuation sometimes has a life of it’s own. We see what we want to see, and we pretend to be who were aren’t. Our judgment becomes clouded at best or just disappears. It not just one person, your husband probably bought the pie-in-the-sky package and was with you 100%…thinking he could be who you wanted him to be and you probably did the same thing. It’s all so rosy. It will just “turn out” perfectly.
Seldom are we taught that it’s work, and that we may not be up for what we are called on to learn. There’s an endless supply of books out there for you to read on this subject and there are people to talk to and with. In the end, you have to decide, together, if you both want to create an adult partnership or if you don’t. Are you willing to get past expecting to always be on cloud 9? Has he returned to the things that held his interest before you came along. Is he willing to grow beyond them? It takes two and some strong common ground. Blessings, Luise