My Mom’s Death has Left Me Trackless

Question: Dear Luise: Thanks so much for responding.  I have a crisis-counseling meeting tomorrow, and have had three opportunities to (professionally) somewhat share what has been going on.  My Mom died from complications from Bell’s Palsy of all things.  Never heard of it prior to her contracting it six months ago.  She actually died exactly five months to the day of really becoming full on “sick”.  I was by her side everyday, with the exception of a hand’s worth, watching my best and only friend slowly suffer and waste away.  I turned 47 yrs old two days prior to her 81st birthday, which she made it thru, only to die a couple days after.  Now I don’t know….  I read your comments about respecting her by carrying on…hard to imagine at this point, although you are right, and make me feel guilty for feeling so hurt and trackless now in life.  The library is now closing…I have to sign off reluctantly… how can I send a small contribution for your time by snail mail (check)??  Please advise.  Thank you so, so much. D.

Answer: Dear D.: The only way to contribute to my site is to use the “Donation” link on my home page. And I sincerely appreciate how often people do just that. It helps a great deal. Thank you.

Good for you for getting professional help. That’s very wise. The only way I know of to get to the other side of the initial shock is to go through it. I just lost my closest friend of 45 years in May. She had a long, cancer-oriented passing and I called her long distance every evening for two years. Was I ready when it happened? No. Did it knock me off my pins? Yes. Am I “over” it yet? Hardly.

I doubt if there is anything harder than parting with one’s mother. My eldest son did not have to do that, because he died in 2000 at age 52 of complications from sleep apnea. However, I had to part with my first-born.

It seems strange to think that we are so flattened by something so natural. When we arrive on this planet, there is only one thing that is absolutely guaranteed and that is the fact that we will die. And yet very few of us are prepared to go or to let anyone else go. Not really. We fail to get that we are “given” life. It’s temporary.

I can’t believe that your mom wanted to be your “only” or even your “best” friend. We all want our offspring to have lives filled with wonderful friends and partners, to my way of thinking, When we have to go, we want to leave our adult children in good hands…moving forward.

I do get a kick I out of how my surviving son and web-master Introduces me. (You can see a picture of us together at the end of my bio, which is accessible on my home page.) He says, “This is my Mom, Luise, my “oldest” friend. I have known her for 54 years plus nine months.” What a hoot! And it’s the truth; he started out with me. I was his initial reality, before he ever saw the light of day.

Sometimes a very strong religious belief helps us through the knothole of loss but not always. I have seen people with what appears to be very limited spirituality sail on through with the best of them. Maybe it’s just that some of us are more sensitive than others. I’m all for that, no matter what it costs me. That’s probably the way to experience life (and death) to the fullest.

You were given a gift by your mom that is priceless and she trusted you with it. Mourn her loss and then expand. Be more…do more…learn more and know that’s her wish for you. All moms are like that. She went to a lot of work and expended a lot of effort to give you a shot at it. Blessings, Luise

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